This is something that’s been bothering me for a while, so I thought I’d get it off my chest and then see what the masses have to say about it. 

Ready?  Here goes: What the hell is up with children becoming rock stars?

I’ve got a real problem with this for a couple of reasons.  First off, and contrary to what a lot of people might think, rock ‘n roll isn’t about art, it’s about sex.

Go back and read that again, kids.  I said sex.  The term rock ‘n roll itself is a euphemism for “getting’ it on”.

Now I’m sure that we’re all going to have to suffer through all the posters who are going to talk about their favorite artists and how they have worked so hard on their art and craft and seek only to create music with a pure and untainted heart.

Uh, yeah…sure.  It’s about sex.

It’s a primal urge set to four-four time, plain and simple.  That’s rock ‘n roll.

Take JoJo, AKA Joanne Levesque, as an example.  She’s got an MTV VMA nomination and a debut album at the top of the charts.

Oh, and one other thing: the girl is thirteen.  She is thirteen years old.  My God, she’s barely in high school.  And thirteen-year-old CHILDREN have no business playing in this sandbox.  

Whose idea was this?  When you’re that young, the only thing you should be doing is studying for your driver’s license exam and worrying about the SAT’s.  But the record companies, in their infinite wisdom, have decided to take children and make them rock stars.

Brilliant.

One executive actually said that they were currently looking for acts between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five. (Seems they got the jump on JoJo – no pun intended.)

At fifteen years old, the kid can’t even drive himself to band practice and you want to make him or her so rich that they can own a freakin’ Lamborghini?

Does anyone else think this is a bad idea?

You barely start cutting your teeth on stage until you hit your mid-twenties, anyway.  How else are you gonna get your act together if you don’t put it on a stage?  And the best place to do that is in the bars.

We were all playing the bars in our early twenties, gunning for record deals.  Back in Buffalo, there were these three bands that used to all record in the same studio.  We all kinda hung out there together; dreaming our dreams and listening to each other’s demo tapes.  There was my cousin’s group, Beat Goes Bang (You probably never heard of them, but they did the title track for a movie called “Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.)  There was my band, Dragon-Fly (You never heard of us, but we got close.)  And there was a little band called Goo Goo Dolls (You probably heard of them.)  

We were all playing the clubs in Buffalo, trying to be rock stars, and then we’d all go to Trackmaster Recording Studio and lay our songs on tape. 

Needless to say, the Goos came out on top.  

But if then was now, we’d all be out of luck because no one at a label wants to return the phone call of a guy who’s twenty-five because that’s a little too old by their standards.  (I mean, why would they want us when there are twelve-year-olds running around?)

And if that were the case, that means there would never have been a song called “Iris”.  (Or “Cause You’re Gone”, for that matter.)  And that, my friends, would be a damn shame.

But wait – there’s more…

Now, since I’m a guy, I’m gonna speak from a guy’s perspective, with all due apologies to the girl nation out there.  Let me get this straight: You want to take a kid who’s basically a cluster of raging hormones and turn him loose in the world of excess known as rock ‘n roll and give him an expense account while you’re at it?  Are you insane?  Do you have any idea - any idea at all – about what kind of life rock stars can lead?

Of course they do; they help to create that life.

The kid won’t last to see eighteen.  That’s unconscionable.  For any record executive to do that would be entirely unconscionable.  

And now you find out that it’s becoming standard policy?  Look, I don’t know about you, but I’m scared.  

And now the thirteen-year-olds are coming out onto the charts?  You know, it takes a while to write, record and put out an album, let alone push the deal through all the different levels of a record company, so it stands to reason that the kid was probably younger than that when they inked the deal.

Which means this kid was eleven or twelve years old when this whole thing started?  First off, that’s way too young to be in that far over your head.

Secondly, what is the logic behind this growing trend to make sex symbols out of little girls?  Are we now becoming a nation of pedophiles?

The current crop of pop tarts should be out selling cookies door-to-door, not their bodies on TRL.

This is insanity.  They’re not women; they’re little girls.  And they’re little girls who are openly selling sex.  That’s a little too freaky for my taste, kids.  To be honest with you, it’s almost uncomfortable watching them on television.  Little girls trying to act like women, and slutty women at that, is not my idea of entertainment.

It gives you the creeps, kinda like when you see the pictures of JonBenét Ramsey and wonder what the hell the parents were thinking dressing up a six-year-old like that.

Where the hell are the parents in all of this?  I know they had to be there somewhere, since these kids are all too young to actually sign a legally binding contract by themselves.  Somebody had to put his or her name on the dotted line under “legal guardian”.

They’re not sacrificial lambs; they’re children.  Is the lure of a paycheck that irresistible? 

Now, I’m all for young talent making their way onto the scene.  But there’s young and then there’s Romper Room.  Most of these kids only recently stopped watching Sesame Street.  (I know I’m mixing my children’s show metaphors here, just try and Big Blue Bear with me.)

But they’re making them younger and younger.  Garth Brooks once told a story in an interview about how the bigwigs at his label brought him down to meet “the next big thing” in Country music.

Garth was shocked when he found out the kid was eighteen years old.

Garth said, “If I had had any of the success that I have now at eighteen, I’d be dead.”

That was quite a few years ago.  Now, by current record company standards, eighteen is now practically middle-aged.  Hell, you’re over the hill once you get past twenty-five.

But these days they’re trolling the playgrounds, searching for the next big thing, just waiting for some fresh-faced kid to come along so they can suck the life right out of ‘em.

And the said thing is these kids won’t even have a career left when they get to an age where they can do the most with it.

You know, a funny thing happens when you get into your thirties: You grow up.

You finally have enough life experience where you can sit down and write something that does say something.  (Even though it’s still all about sex – let’s not forget that.)  But it’s cool to have something that lasts when your sex appeal fades.  And believe me, it’s gonna fade.

Now I’m sure that there are legions of people out there (Most of whom aren’t old enough to drive past nine o’clock) who are going to tell me that youth is king, and kids are doing it for themselves and blah blah blah.

And all I can say is shut-up and go to your room.  You’re a kid; you know nothing.  You know how I know you know nothing?

Because I was a kid once, too.  And, like yourself, I thought I knew it all.  Then something terrible happened; I grew up and found out that I didn’t.

So don’t sit there and tell me that a fifteen-year-old rock star is a good idea, because it’s not.  

Call me prehistoric, but I like my women to be women, not little girls.  I can only assume that the women feel that way about their men. 

But I’m sure that there are legions of young girls who are going to say that they like their men to be little boys.  That’s just great, honey.  Now we’re creating sex symbols for people too young to have sex?  Perfect, just perfect.

What’s next?  A guitar playing stem cell?  A fetus with anger issues?   A zygote wearing hip-huggers?

You know, there used to be a saying; If it’s too loud, then you’re too old.  Now if it’s too young, then you’re too old.

It’s kinda sick when you think about it.
 
That’s my two cents, now gimme my change and grow up. 
 

Chuck DiMaria is Los Angeles based musician, actor and antiMUSIC columnist (his resume goes on). Check out his website ChuckDiMaria.com for more of his writings, MP3s and more (be sure to read about his adventures in online dating!!) Plus be sure check out the site for his band Under Pressure.

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