Sorry about the wait for the new piece, kids.  I was stuck in LA traffic.

But while I was sitting there I had the opportunity to quiet my mind and focus.

Yes, it was a beautiful Zen moment complete with the sound of one hand clapping and everything.  It was peaceful.

That was, of course, until they started playing Kevin Federline’s new single on the radio.

Need I say more?  (Probably not, but I’m gonna anyway.)

And that’s when I was broken from my reverie by all the things that suck in this world…

Look, I’ll be honest with you on something; I’m still a little bit mad that Britney Spears married someone else besides me. 

Kidding.  I couldn’t care less.  (It’s not like I had a shot or anything.  But she does look kinda cute in them wife beaters…)

But just because she decides to marry someone does not mean we have to deal with him on a daily basis, too.  That’s her job.  She’s the wife, let him get his pipe and slippers and she can be the one who nods her head approvingly and says, “That’s such a good song, Honey!  I’m so proud of you!”

Because, my gentle snowflakes, in case you haven’t heard his single, let me be the first to tell you it sucks like nothing has ever sucked before.

It über-sucks.  

And contrary to what you might be thinking, I’m more than happy to give anyone a shot.  I try to make up my mind after I’ve heard the argument, not before.  And I’m willing to admit when I’m wrong, too.

For example, in a past article here on aM, I said that the only way Greenday could ever write a concept album is if The Ramones do it for them.

And I was wrong because American Idiot is a great album. Bravo, Billy Joe.

So if KF wants to be a rap star, I have no problem with him taking a shot at stardom.  If I was Britney’s husband, I’d be whoring out every contact she has to get my music heard.  I mean, duh!  Who wouldn’t?

And it’s nice when every once in a while we’re pleasantly surprised when we hear something new.

But this guys is not gonna be giving anyone the happy vibe.  And I strongly doubt I’ll be eating my words in an upcoming article a few months from now where I recant the statements made here and replace them with a glowing review.

Highly doubtful, kids.

And how does Ashlee Simpson still have a career?  You get caught lipsynching and then get booed off a stage and, BAM!  you’re right back on TRL?

Would someone please explain how this works?  Now I think she’s cute and I think she may have some potential somewhere underneath all the peroxide, but until daddy stops playing The Colonel with her and actually starts making sure that she’s as best prepared as she can be to walk out on the stage, then Boyfriend is as good as it’s gonna get.

Parenthetically aside, I’m not telling anyone how to raise their kid here, I’m just saying if you’re the girl’s manager, then manage, dude, manage!  

Here’s another one for the suck list: Rockstar INXS.  While these singers didn’t suck, the concept surely did.  Rock Star INXS was wrong on so many levels that it’s tough for me to wrap my whole brain around it.  But let me just say this: While they were all decent singers, none of them were amazing, even that Mig guy.  But thankfully, they didn’t suck and on a few of the songs they all really shined.

What did suck was having to listen to the surviving members of INXS bestowing their little pearls of wisdom to all the hopeful boys and girls each week like a group of Prada wearing Siddharthas.

Talk about taking yourself too freakin’ seriously.  I thought I was bad, but these guys make me look like I actually have self-restraint.

And one final note (no pun intended) in the “singers that suck category; What the hell is going on with that show But Can They Sing?  Let me get this straight: you get a bunch of stars together who can’t sing and try to decide who can’t sing the best?

Is that it, or am I missing something?

What is our fascination with HDBB, The Cult of Celebrity and bad entertainment?  Personally, I can’t even watch the commercials for it because bad singing is painful for me to listen to.  I just can’t do it.  But apparently a lot of other people can, so I’m sure it will do just fine in the ratings.

But it still sucks.  And can they sing?  Hell, no!

But I hate to leave you on a downer, kids.  Generally speaking, I like to follow this simple Golden Rule of Life: If you can’t say anything nice, at least make it entertaining.  But I do like to spread a little bit of the Chuckie-Luv whenever I can, so let’s take a moment here to talk about the things that don’t suck. 

I heard that Michael Jackson is permanently leaving the country.  That definitely does not suck.

And that’s my two cents, now gimme my change. 
 
 
 

Chuck DiMaria is Los Angeles based musician, actor and antiMUSIC columnist (his resume goes on). Check out his website ChuckDiMaria.com for more of his writings, MP3s and more (be sure to read about his adventures in online dating!!) Plus be sure check out the site for his band Under Pressure.

Your turn. 

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