Limp Bizkit – Results May Vary
Limp Bizkit – Results May Vary
I take back every harsh word I have ever uttered or written about Fred Durst. After hearing this CD I changed my mind. The band has been laughed off as a joke and for being very limited musicians but “Results May Vary” is a new milestone for the group and rap-rock as a whole. They delve deep into themselves to find their inner core and lay it all out for us to hear.
Forget that this album was supposedly quickly written and the guitarist had just joined the band. Forget that the group waited far too long since their last CD to produce new music. Fred was busy chasing Bettys (or was it Wilmas? Perhaps Barneys?). None of that matters now that we behold this true piece of art. An album of such utter meretricious material that it’s greatness will be lost on us in our time but only in hindsight will we grasp just what a Herculean effort this 16 song opus was.
All we have to do is gaze upon the lyrics or feast our ears upon the beautiful noise the Bizkit is cranking out. Has no finer love song been written than “Eat You Alive”? Shakespeare could not imagine tackling prose such as this, “Hey you, Mrs. I don't know what the f*** your name is, I'm drawn to you. / Something's magnetic here. / be fine / No doubt that (no doubt) / You bring out (bring out) /The animal inside”. The deep hidden meanings will leave us pondering the hours away, “what is Fred trying to say? What’s the band trying to play?”
But it’s Fred’s raps that really show him shining. He takes the genre to a whole new depth with rhymes such as this, “It's the motherf***ing concrete / Suicidal night shift / Loaded with the vice grip / Pumping out your copies / You keep watering down s*** / Thinking you can rap with that artificial outfit”.
As you can see Fred Durst is a musical genius on the level of Missy Elliot, Jani Lane and Bay City Rollers. Listening to the sure bizkitness of this album wash over me with every agonizing second I realized Fred has a plan, and it’s a beautiful plan.
You see Fred really does care about us. He wants what is best for each and every single one of us, so he devised this plan to help us all. When it came time to write and record “Results May Vary” this plan took center stage and possessed Fred to his core.
You may ask what the plan is. Well my friends, it is really very simple; Fred agrees with us that most music today is total garbage. The pop, pop-punk, rap-rock, and lackluster nu-metal tends over the past few years has left us with a musical hangover that no amount of aspirin or hair of the dog will remedy. You see, Fred agrees and he recorded this album to accomplish a few things:
1) To show the major record companies that the “trend is dead”.
2) To show the sheep that the “trend is dead”.
3) To prove that commercialized rebellion is ludicrous.
4) To prove Charles Darwin was not full of s*** after all but Orwell was right as well; some monkeys are more equal than others.
5) And this is most important goal, so it is such a monumental task and just shows how much Fred is giving of himself to accomplish it. With “Results May Vary” I believe Fred wanted to put the final nail in the coffin of the nightmare which has been rap-rock, nu-metal rap, mallcore, whichever term you might like. Fred understood that once the public got a whiff of what this CD was all about it would pave the way for this trend to gasp its dying breath and thus open the doors to something new and hopefully better.
Not many artists have accomplished this. But let us reflect on the giants Fred will join if he succeeds on his quest to kill rap-rock once and for all. We have Warrant who helped kill 80’s hair-metal by taking cheese to the max with “Cherry Pie”. We have Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration” which helped kill disco, although an honorable mention must be given to KISS who really showed us the writing on the wall when they released “I Was Made For Loving You” the previous year.
So you see Fred is not such a bad guy after all. He made the worst possible album with a noble intention of bringing down the albatross of rap-rock. We need to give him a round of applause because if this album doesn’t cement the inevitable downfall of rap-rock it will take a thousand Vanilla Ice cover bands to do it.
Finally, on the off chance that I totally misread Fred’s intentions and he was actually trying to make a “good” album, then I have to say that Kelly Osbourne aside this is one of the worst CD’s I’ve heard in a long, long time. But I hold strong to my belief that Fred meant this album to be this bad. Because let’s face it, you really have to work hard to such this much ass!
…Or maybe it just comes naturally to Fred. Mr. Warhol you can turn off the stopwatch, Limp Bizkit’s time has run out. (hopefully)
Bizkit – Results May Vary