with DeadSun
You've seen him in Fan Speak all around
the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his
very own talk show, The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and
Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show.
 .
.
The
Not Quite-So DeadShow : Live From The North Pole
Host DeadSun: Friends, Romans, and
iconoFANS--- I wish to welcome you once again to antiMUSIC's garden of
debauchery. Leave your decency at the door. That's right, it's time for
the DeadShow, and this month we're coming to you live from the North Pole.
Santa called me up a few weeks back, and
asked me if I could do Christmas for him this year. Apparently, he's gotten
caught up in a triangle of deception involving himself, Rush Limbaugh,
Winona Ryder, some erotic home movies, and a WHOLE LOT OF prescription
narcotics. Go figure. Santa and I have been friends for years, and you
should know this--- he SWEARS to me that, while it does look like him from
the side in those movies, it's really Paris Hilton. I guess his old lady
isn't buying it, though. She got herself a high-powered Winter Warlock
attorney, and wants the snow castle, the elves, the toy factory, and the
magic dust that makes the reindeer fly. Paris Hilton--- if you're reading
this--- you HAVE to come forward. The world deserves to know the truth.
Santa deserves better than this. Not to mention the fact that he's presently
shacked himself up at my place, where he's running up the phone bill, and
has nearly emptied the liquor cabinet. Paris, PLEASE.!
So THIS year, it's going to be Christmas---
but MY WAY.
Now, as many of you know by now, I like
to kick off every installment with what I believe would be a good intro
tune, and being that we will all soon be up to our necks in holiday bacchanalia,
I'm going to kick this show off with one of the greatest Christmas songs---
EVER.
( hit stage lights and cue Spinal Tap's
"Christmas With The Devil" )
FACT : if you haven't ever heard "Christmas
With The Devil", you are depriving yourself in ways you cannot possibly
imagine.
ANOTHER FACT : if you haven't ever seen
the movie Spinal Tap, I declare you to be officially f*cked in the head.
Now, when you or I start thinking about
the holidays, what do we REALLY start thinking about? Gifts, right? Oh,
COME ON--- who are you trying to bullsh*t? I'm friggin' Santa Sun. That
having been said, I've noticed recently that there are a lot of sketchy
gift ideas floating around the stores this year, and we at the DeadShow
like to keep our public informed, so we have compiled a list of what could
possibly be the sketchiest gift ides that you'll likely come across during
the 2003 shopping season.
Sketchy gift idea #1 : "The Mike Gordon
Art Photography Playset"
( opening box up ) Boy, this is a BIG box.
What the Hell is in here? Hmmm. Well, it looks like a camera, for starters.
Pretty nice one, too. Can't have art photography without a camera, right?
Hmmm. Here's a cd... "Phish"... ( snaps it in half ) gee, I'd play for
you, but it looks like it might have been damaged in transit. F*ckin' pity,
too. ( moving arms through styrofoam peanuts ) I know what's in here! (
lifting it out of the box ) Would you look at that? A nine year old-child,
and backstage passes to a secluded boathouse of the recipient's choice.
Is everyone out there thinking what I'm thinking? Yep--- it was a bad idea
THE FIRST TIME AROUND, wasn't it?
Sketchy gift idea #2 : "J Lo Scratch
and Sniff Stickers"
These things are absolutely putrid. Look
people, we've already got stickers that smell like strawberries, root beer,
apple pie, bananas, and cotton candy.
Do we really need a sticker of J Lo's body
that smells like an onion and anchovy pizza? How about this one that's
supposed to smell like butt sweat? I
think I'm going to be sick. ( handing
stickers to DeadShow assistant ) HERE, take these out back, and BURN THEM.
Sketchy gift idea #3 : "The Missy Elliot
Pocket Translator"
( reading product information guide ) Wow.
Now THIS is interesting. The manufacturer claims that this tiny machine
can convert ANY word of the English language to a corresponding word from
Missy's language. ( takes translator out ) Let's test it out... okay...
I'm entering the word "boat". Now, I hit the enter button... and the word
for "boat" becomes "yo". Could that be right? Hmmm--- how about another
word. This time, I'll enter the word "cloud". I hit the enter button, and
the word "cloud" becomes "yo". How about "snake"? ( yo ) Or "table"? (
yo ) "Lettuce"? ( yo ) AAAARRRGGGHHH! (smashes translator on the wall )
That thing sucks.
Sketchy gift idea #4 : "The Rick James
Crack Pipe Action Playset"
Do I even NEED to explain this one? Didn't
think so.
Alright, enough with the sketchy gifts---
because NOW it's time to read "Christmas Letters to Santa Sun".
Dear Santa Sun,
I'm not sure why, but I harbor a deep,
burning hatred for the actress Diane Keaton. For some reason, this hatred
seems to center around her teeth. For Christmas, I would like you to have
them smashed. That would be so nice. Merry Christmas.
Greenmuse
Well Mr. Muse, I'm checking my list,
and it basically indicates that you've been good this year. Thy will be
done. Happy holidays, champ.
Dear Santa Sun,
All I want for Christmas this year,
is a vacillating Jewish, French cowboy riding a pony. Please?
Girlsetsfire
You're clearly a girl with selective
desires, Ms. Setsfire. Granted, you've been bad this year--- but so what?
It's yours.
deer Snantna Zsun,
ME big FreD. eYE am A ReaLLy veRY FaiMUsS
musIK Starr, yo. 4 XmiSS dIS yEEr, I waNat U 2 sned MeE a BRItNeE SPEars
4 my
VRERy Own!!!1!1! OMG!1!!! Mreyry Easter2
U.
BiG FrED drUrst
Let me think about that. Ummm... NO.
In fact, for Christmas this year, Santa Sun is going to let you die from
syphilis and rot in Hell. You are an UTTER sh*t stain. Happy holidays.
Well, that's about all the time we have
for this month. We had fun, though. So, we're going to roll the end credits,
and end the show with another Christmas classic by the band Fear. It's
called "F*ck Christmas"--- AND REMEMBER : the holidays are about getting
blitzed in the company of those you enjoy, and getting blitzed to tolerate
those who you don't like. This is the DeadSun, signing off.
( roll credits to Fear's "F*ck Christmas"
)
Your
turn.
Fan
Speak:
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