with DeadSun
You've seen him in Fan Speak all around
the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his
very own talk show, The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and
Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show.
 .
.
( Cue lights and the Misfits' Static
Age )
Host DeadSun: Welcome--- this IS
the Not Quite-So DeadShow. Take your seats, its ALL here. Random hostilities,
unfocused lunacy, and free-flowing sarcasm--- so let's kick it off with
a little news.
Our top story: a strange, new blend of
cheese was unintentionally created this week. When Limp Bizkit frontman
Fred Durst and singer Courtney Love accidentally bumped into one another
this past Wednesday, the collision left behind a clumpy residue which one
local health official said "could only be described as something which
smells like sharp cheddar, and had the texture of a pasty Wisconsin spread."
Said one scientist at the university of Illinois, "in one experiment, we
fed some to an out of work bag piper quartet, and they threw it up." When
asked to comment, Durst raised his arms above his head, and was quoted
as saying "me big Fred".
In Phish news, the band is reportedly bumping
the release date of a live album project... apparently because they've
been recording the first track, non-stop, since late September. The fans,
undeterred by the nine-day long instrumental "jam", are still sticking
around the fairgrounds. A DeadShow correspondent was able to interview
one of the fans, who identified himself as "an aquarium" :
Correspondent : "Are you planning
to stick around... if the song keeps going?"
"An aquarium" : "Whoa, man... Your
HEAD man... I ... it looks like... like an ORANGE PUDDLE, MAN!"
DS: Well, that's all from the Phish
camp--- ( off camera ) and someone fire that correspondent.
Before we bring on our guest, a disturbing
visual: Joseph Stalin, wearing a diaper.
Now : our first guest needs no introduction.
She's a former First Lady, and is currently a Senator from the great state
of New York. Please welcome to the DeadShow... Hillary Rodham Clinton.
( Cue flashing applause sign. Cut to
interview sequence in quaintly lit room, DS and Hillary are comfortably
seated in high-backed chairs. )
DS : "Good evening, Mrs. Clinton."
Hillary : ( nods )
DS : "First question : the likelihood
of your decision to run for the Democratic presidential candidacy in 2004
has been the subject of much speculation--- have you in fact made a decision
on the matter?"
Hillary ( annoyed ) : "Look---
how many times do I need to explain myself to the American people? (pounding
right fist into left hand ) Those accounting records were misplaced, and
I was COMPLETELY unaware of Bill's philandering until the Monica Lewinsky
story broke. You probably haven't even READ my book."
DS: "Is that a 'NO', Mrs. Clinton?
That is to say, that you AREN'T going to run?"
Hillary: "Well--- ( narrows eyes
) that all depends on what YOUR definition of the word 'no', is. It
could be something entirely different than my own."
DS: "Fine. Now--- Mrs. Clinton,
it is now known that your husband had numerous affairs behind your back.
What reason would you offer up to the American people, as an explanation
for this?"
Hillary: ( opens her blouse )
DS: ( solemnly ) "Mrs. Clinton---
in the name of God, and all that is holy, you must never... NEVER... show
another living soul the HORROR that you have just shown to me."
Hillary: ( nods emphatically
)
DS: "--- and you also might want
to dislodge that Twinkie from whatever it is stuck to. It looks really
old and... nevermind. Now, getting back to---"
Hillary: "Look buddy, I NEVER lied.
I knew nothing. Bill duped me. He exploited my womanly frailty."
DS: "Mrs. Clinton, how many moons
are currently orbiting your ass?"
Hillary: "Well, six that I know
of. We've hired a private team of astronomers to track down what could
be number seven, but that's a lot of area to cover."
DS: "Well, we're just about out
of time--- any parting thoughts."
Hillary: "How would you like me
to make your life a living Hell, you rude, pompous twat?"
DS: "Ah... so you ARE going to run
for president. Any other parting thoughts?"
Hillary: "The vending machine in
the lobby is out of Baby Ruths."
DS: ( motioning to security )
"Get her out of here... please... before that seat absorbs any more
of her personality. Now we're going to bring on our next guest. He's made
a pretty big name for himself in the Rap entertainment industry... I'm
speaking of course... about Snoop Doggy Dog. ( again with the applause
signs ) Come on out and have a seat, Snoop."
( struts out, grabbing at his pants,
and drops down into the chair )
DS: "Well, before we begin, I'd
like to thank you for agreeing to come on the DeadShow. I know that there
are a lot of people in the viewing audience who are curious as to what
makes a complex man, such as yourself, tick."
Snoop: "Muh ' fuh ' n playaz puttin'
dey hands in da air n' sh*t."
DS: "Um... right. Moving on : you've
gone on to become a very successful artist in the entertainment industry.
How hard was it for 'Snoop' when he was first coming up in the business?"
Snoop: ( leans forward, beats
on his chest, and points a peace sign horizontally at the camera )
"Strappin'. Damn bustaz be trippin... can't fade mah sh*t... PHAT."
DS: ( rubbing chin thoughtfully
) "Hmm. Fascinating stuff, Snoop."
Snoop: ( grabs crotch ) "'Ho
be gettin' wit dis. 'Ho be gettin' wit dis."
DS: ( shifting position in seat
) "Wow... that is pretty wack. Heh heh. Let me ask you : what is your
overall assessment of the state of geopolitical relations today; that is
to say, relations between spheres of power which clearly have differing
interests, yet at the same time are compelled by a common understanding
of the vital importance of the cooperation between sovereign nations?"
Snoop: ( thinks for a moment,
leans back at the waist, and crosses his arms in a bold manner ) "Rollin'
in da coupe. Pow pow. Punk'ass bitches all up in deez nutz."
DS: ( looks around, confused...
long pause... looks back down at cue cards ) : "Okay-- next question.
Throughout the ages, humankind has long struggled with the attempt to form
a viable hypothesis which would explain the nature of the role that the
human race plays in relationship to the universe in which it lives... any
thoughts on that, Snoop?"
Snoop: "Shizzle izzle nizzle diggity
dizzle... n' sh*t."
DS: "Um... are you saying tha---"
Snoop: ( makes hand into a gun-like
shape, and points it at the camera ) "Dee-zam! Sack o'dat Chronic sh*t."
DS: "Well, I think that's about
all the time I have for today. Join us next time, when P Diddy will offer
up his views regarding a field experiment which studied leadership theory,
and interpersonal relations as they affect the performance of organizational
structure. Many thanks to the lot of you, and special thanks to antiGUY...
technically, this is all your fault. This is the Dead Sun, signing off."
( role credits, cue Motorhead's Killed
by Death )
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