with DeadSun
You've seen him in Fan Speak all around
the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his
very own talk show, The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and
Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show.
 .
.
"And
Now… A Word From Our Sponsor : The Not Quite-So Dead Show"
( Starring Missy Elliot, a 97 year old man, and some sensitive Emo-kid
who weeps a lot )
Host DeadSun : “Hi there. Are you
the sort of person who finds MTV ‘like SO hot’? Are you up to speed on
‘who said what to who’ behind the scenes of American Idol? Are you one
of those hominids who ends words ending in a final ‘S’ with a final ‘Z’
--- for example, the word BOYZ--- because it’s all the rage?
If you answered in the affirmative to any
of these questions, then you might want to find a lonely corner somewhere
to nuzzle up to and quietly end your life, because this is the DeadShow,
a place where you and your ilk are treated like the ass-brained lemmings
that you are. Here, you are beneath contempt.
Now, before we get going, I’m going to
kick things off in the usual manner--- by “cueing up” ( read : plugging
) a song by one of the most interesting and talented artists of the past
forty years ( and no--- it’s not anything by USHER, you colossal dickhead
).
( Hit stage lights, and cue Frank Zappa’s
“My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama” )
DS : “Man oh man, now there’s a
big, stinking slab O’ Rock n’ Roll. Exquisite. Welcome back, all you malcontents
out there in cyber land. Welcome to the May installment of the Not Quite-So
Dead Show. As always, I am your humble host, the crass bastard… er… the
Dead Sun.
We’ve got a lion’s share of irreverent
silliness in store for you this month--- we’re going to heed the sage advice
of Old Man Jones, a 97 year-old man who is just a touch out of step with
the trends of today. Also, we’re going to have Moosey Elliot… I mean, Missy
Elliot… on the show with us. Hell, we could just throw her a box with a
triangular hole, and a square peg, and amuse ourselves for hours on end,
let alone allow her to form sentences--- that’s got some real promise,
let me tell you. Thirdly : we’re going to bring on an Emo-kid, and laugh
at him when he starts weeping for no apparent reason. If we can’t first
laugh at others, how then are we to learn just how precious the gift of
laughter really is?
We’ll be right back with the Not Quite-So
DeadShow--- but first, a word from our sponsor.”
( Cut to commercial for OffStar’s on
board vehicle assistance system )
Narrator : “The conversation you
are about to hear is true. It occurred between an OffStar subscriber and
an OffStar customer service assistant. This was not scripted. They are
not actors.”
Service Rep : “Thank you for calling
OffStar, my name is Brian. How may I assist you this evening?”
Customer : ( panicked ) “Ah, yes…
HELLO? Yes… I have um, locked my keys in my vehicle. It’s running, and
my two-year old child is in the back seat! My God, WHAT DO I DO?”
Service Rep : ( suavely ) “That’s
not a problem at all, sir. I’ll just need you to tell me your home telephone
number.”
Customer : “Yeah. Okay. Uh… my cell
phone number is…”
Service Rep : “No. Your HOME telephone
number.”
Customer : “Sorry. It’s 617-555-0735.”
Service Rep : ( sounds of computer
keystrokes in the background ) “Excellent. Okay sir, our satellite will
be sending a signal to your vehicle, instructing it to unlock its doors
in just a moment.”
Customer : “REALLY? That’s terrific!”
Service Rep : ( laughing modestly
) “Oh it’s no trouble at all sir. Thank you for using OffStar, and have
a great…”
Customer : “Hey now that I think
of it, I can’t remember what the capitol of Sri Lanka is. ( panicking )
OH MY GOD, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?”
Service Rep : “Don’t worry, sir.
I can help. I just need to access our computer database. AH YES, here it
is : the answer is Colombo.”
Customer : “MAN that was a close
shave. You’re good. Hey, what did I have for breakfast this morning?”
Service Rep : ( momentary pause
) “Our records indicate that you had an English muffin with butter and
jam, a bowl of Mega Fiber Cereal, and a glass of orange juice.”
Customer : ( panic sets in ) “---
but what about DINNER tonight? OH MY GOD, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?”
Service Rep : “Well, let’s just
link up to the satellite, shall we? Let’s see here. ( typing on his computer
) Ah yes--- you’re going to have stuffed chicken breast, green beans, and
broccoli with cheese sauce.”
Customer : “Oh no… my left eye…
it’s itchy. WHAT DO I DO? I’M POWERLESS!”
Service Rep : “Hmmm… let’s check
that out. I’m going to tap into our satellite system, which will send a
signal to your right arm, instructing it to scratch the area of your eye
that itches.”
Customer : “This is fantastic! I
don’t have to use my brain ever again! ( sharp pause ) WAIT! DEAR GOD---
I CAN’T FIND MY ASSH*OLE WITH BOTH OF MY HANDS! WHAT DO I DO?”
Service : “Not a problem at all,
sir. Simply start at the crack of your buttocks, and trace your fingertips
down their inner edges, until you stumble across a fleshy, puckering hole.”
Customer : “Wow. It worked! You
guys are the best! Thanks again!”
Service Rep : “You’re welcome sir.
Once again, thank you for using OffStar. Good bye.”
( End OffStar commercial spot )
Host DeadSun : “Man I love that
spot. It really gets to the heart of what modern living is all about---
gadgetry which further advances our quest to put our minds on auto-pilot.
Gorgeous--- and SPEAKING of modern living, I think it’s high time I brought
on our first guest. He goes by the name of Old Man Jones. He’s bitter.
His perceptions of the world are out of whack. He’s 97 years old. He’s
here to take part in our discussion this month. Ladies and gentlemen, I
present Old Man Jones.”
( Enter Old Man Jones, cue up “In the
Mood” by the Glenn Miller Orchestra )
DS : ( approaching old man Jones
) “How are you, Mr. Jones? It’s really a treat to have you on the show.
I hope that-“
( Whacks DeadSun’s shin with the end of
his cane )
DS : “YEOW!”
Old Man Jones : “Get the hell away
from me… hippie. You’ll step on my god damned bunions, and I’ll end up
missing Bingo this coming Tuesday.”
DS : “Um… actually sir, I’m not
a hippie. In point of fact, I have an acute dislike for them, largely due
to their-“
*Whack*
DS : “OUCH! Damn it, knock that
off!”
Old Man Jones : “Don’t you back
talk me. What are you on? You god damned kids are always lookin’ for kicks,
cruising around town in your hot rods, scoring dope from the pusherman---
WELL I WON’T HAVE ANY OF IT… little bastard.”
DS : “What are you talking about?”
Old Man Jones : ( looking around
the studio ) “Is this the Dairy Queen?”
DS : ( looks nervously at the audience
) “Why, NO it isn’t. This is the DeadShow, sir. You agreed to come on and
talk about current music and entertainment with us.”
Old Man Jones : ( startled ) “Jumpin’
Jesus! Who the hell are YOU?”
DS : “Oh dear… um, right… tell you
what… why don’t I bring out our other guests, okay?”
Old Man Jones : “Well, I suppose…
but MAKE IT SNAPPY. ( takes out his pocket watch ) I’ve gotta eat some
food, so I can take my god damned pills for my hip.”
DS : “Well then, without further
ado, please give a warm DeadShow welcome to hip hop sensation Moosey Elliot,
and some Emo-kid who wants to whine about a girl that broke up with him.”
( Presses red button on his desk marked
“Applause”. Enter Moosey Elliot and Emo-kid. )
Moosey : ( struts out rapping )
“If you is a h-o-e, get a j-o-b… I’m h-o-t, on the t-o-p.”
DS : ( turns to Moosey ) “Tell you
what--- YO--- if you can sit down, and go for two whole minutes without
saying something that reveals you to be the sweaty throwback from the Paleozoic
Era that you are, I’ll give you some peanuts.”
Moosey : “Some p-e-a-n-u-t-z?”
DS : “Yes indeed--- in fact I’m
led to understand that elephants are rather fond of peanuts.”
Moosey : “Why you be all hatin’
on Moosey fo? I gotz da MAD flow, yo!”
DS : “Oh yeah. You’ve got the flow
alright, and I can presently feel it flowing right down my intestinal tract.
Tell you what, here’s a squeaky chew toy. Why don’t you have at that for
a few minutes?”
Moosey : ( gnawing on chew toy )
“Yo, ‘dis be da BAWMB, dawg!”
Old Man Jones : “Is Dwight Eisenhower
still president?”
Emo-kid : ( getting upset ) “Why
isn’t anybody noticing me? ( getting choked up ) I feel so… so invisible.”
Old Man Jones : ( looks over at
Emo-kid ) “What in the hell is wrong with you? ( turns back and faces audience
) You see? This is what happens! Those god damn flower children wanted
to raise their kids differently, so what do they do? I’ll tell you what
they do--- they pump them full of soda pop and those damned VHS video games,
that’s what they do! Now my dander’s gotten up, and I’m gonna have to take
my blood pressure pills, you ungrateful bastards.”
Emo-kid : “Who’s being ungrateful?
I don’t need this abuse. ( eyes start welling up with tears ) My girlfriend
cheated on me, and I-“
*Whack*
Emo-kid : “He hit me! That crazy
old man HIT ME!”
Old Man Jones : “You’re darn tootin’
right I hit you. I’ve had about all I’m gonna take of your pinko sob stories.
When I was coming up, we used to work 37 hours a day, and if we were lucky,
we’d get to suck the moisture off of the factory walls, while the boss
pushed thumbtacks into the back of our legs, and that was when I was seven.”
Moosey : “Yo old man--- mah chains
be jang-janglin’, and mah booty be dangling. You be feelin’ mah fresh cuts?”
Old Man Jones : ( Looks at Moosey,
and jumps in his seat ) “What the hell are you supposed to be? You look
like a circus bear dressed up as a jewelry display. Get the hell away from
me. ( points his cane at her ) I’ll bet you’re one of them god damned beatnik
Nazi communists. You punks drive me to drink with your loud clothes and
your Bebop record albums ( takes a flask from his shirt pocket and sips
on it ). What’s wrong with your eyes, young lady? Have you been taking
the pot?”
DS : “No Old Man Jones. You see,
Moosey isn’t high--- she’s just dumb, hence the glazed over, vacant look
in her eyes.”
*Whack*
DS : “God DAMN IT! Why do you insist
on hitting me with that cane of yours?”
Old Man Jones : “Because she’s young,
and all you hipsters are always hopped up on something. I see it on that
Oprah program all the time. ( Takes a sip from his flask ) That reminds
me--- what the hell is this hip hop stuff anyway? ( points cane at Moosey
) Sounds like one of your flashy disco dances, if you ask me… hippie.”
Emo-kid : “Doesn’t anybody want
to hear about my suffering and deep loss?”
DS : “Will you please just shut
your d*ck holster? I mean--- Christ on his throne--- you said in the pre-show
interview that you’d been with this girl for THREE WEEKS. Have a drink,
hit a punching bag, find another girlfriend, and tell those f*ckin’ whiney,
neurotic Emo bands to stop butchering the remnants of a once proud, backboned
Punk sound. The end.”
Emo-kid : ( starts weeping,
and grabs a bottle of pills away from Old Man Jones )
Old Man Jones : “What are you doing?
Gimmie my pills back!”
Emo-kid : ( swallows all of the
pills ) “THERE. Now I’ll be gone, and it will be your fault. You’ll all
be sorry! You’ll all be sorry!”
Old Man Jones : “If anyone’s gonna
be sorry around here, it’s gonna be YOU, you little hooligan. You just
gulped down a week’s supply of oral laxative.”
Moosey : “Yo, you be all like bein’
all cryin’, n’ sh*t.”
DS : “What the hell was that, English?
You’re a trend, donkey girl--- and you’re an idiotic trend at that. Your
rise to stardom is a living testimonial to why direct democracy will always
be beyond our reach.”
Emo-kid : ( his eyes suddenly bulge
from their sockets, he clutches his abdomen ) “Oh my God. Where’s the bathroom?”
DS : ( rubbing chin thoughtfully
and smirking ) “Gee. You know, it’s funny--- I use it daily, and I just
can’t seem to recall where it is.”
Emo-kid : ( running around in circles
) “WHERE’S THE BATHROOM? HELP! I’m going to… I’m going to…”
*Plop*
*Squirt*
DS : “You see? Now you have something
to be genuinely upset about. Heh heh heh.”
Emo-kid : ( crying uncontrollably
) “I sh*t my pants! ( sob ) I can’t believe this! My girlfriend left me…
and I sh*t my pants ( wails ). I hate all of you!”
DS : ( laughing uncontrollably )
*Whack*
DS : “Okay, WHY ARE YOU HITTING
ME?”
Old Man Jones : ( accusingly ) “Because
you’re in one of those street gangs, damn it.”
DS : “WHAT?”
Old Man Jones : “You heard me, buster.
That’s what that loud rock music is all about ( Takes a sip from
his flask ). Did you just sniffle?”
DS : “No. I did not just sniffle.”
Old Man Jones : “Have you been tootin’
up lines of that rogaine stuff?”
DS : “You mean COcaine?”
Old Man Jones : “I don’t know what
the hell you punks call it. That’s what all this music garbage is about,
god damn it. It’s about dope and necking with broads. You god damn liberal
pinko commies come around with your gangs, your bellbottom pants, and your
free love--- and all of a sudden I’m labeled “the square who digs Robert
Goulet”. I can remember when you could get a loaf of bread and a hot shave
for two bits. My pop would take us down to the penny candy store every
Sunday, and I would get a pickle out of those old wooden barrels. Those
were the days, boy. I wish that---“
DS : ( sensing that a very, very
long-winded monologue is about to take place ) “OKAY, I guess that’s all
the time we have for this month. ( Old Man Jones is still rambling in the
background ) I want to thank Old Man Jones for coming on. No one leaves
empty handed, and so Moosey will be given an edition of Hooked on Phonics
and ten free lessons with a licensed speech therapist. Emo-kid… well… we’re
going to throw him a 12-pack of Charmin and an inflatable date. I hope
all of you have a fantastic month, and I’m going to close the show with
a song written by that legendary outfit, “The Melvins”. This song is off
of the “Stoner Witch” release, and it’s called “Revolve”. This is the DeadSun,
signing off.
( Roll end credits and cue up The Melvins’
“Revolve” )
Your
turn.
Fan
Speak:
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