with DeadSun
You've seen him in Fan Speak all around
the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his
very own talk show, The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and
Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show.
 .
.
The
Vast Eighties Conspiracy
(Hit stage lights, and cue up Mastodon’s
“Heart’s Alive”. As the music fades, the atmosphere in the studio is quiet
and sobering.)
Host DeadSun: “Good evening. Tonight…
is an unprecedented occasion. In this installment of the DeadShow, we will
explore a phenomenon so incredible, so controversial, that many of you
at home may indeed find yourselves unable to sleep soundly tonight.
Only yesterday, the DeadShow obtained copies
of certain documents--- documents which, if proven to be accurate, would
bring to light the existence of a vast, 1980’s conspiracy.
Joining me tonight is Professor Lincoln
Howe, a purported expert on the vast 1980’s conspiracy. Good evening Professor
Howe.”
Prof. Howe: “Good evening, Mr. Sun.”
DS: “Professor Howe, it is my understanding
that you allege there to be a vast, shadowy network of undercover operatives,
who are wholly dedicated to promulgating a codified world system, based
entirely on eighties pop culture. Would you please tell our viewers more?”
Prof. Howe: (darts a nervous glance
around the studio) “Their presence is everywhere. Their influence reaches
to the highest echelons of power. No one, Mr. Sun, is above suspicion.”
DS: “Do you have any examples that
might back up this admittedly outrageous claim?”
Prof. Howe: “What about the steady
presence of 80’s flashback programming on the radio?”
DS: “What of it?”
Prof. Howe: “That’s how they recruit.
You’ll be driving along in your car with a group of people. Unable to agree
upon a cd that everyone likes, the group decides to surf the radio. The
surf commences, and everyone is mumbling: ‘That sucks.’, ‘No way.’, ‘Hell
no’. That’s when it strikes. The autoscan rests right upon AH HA’s
“Take on Me”. No one says a word, but rather waits to see if anyone else
says ‘change the station’. It doesn’t happen. The song ends, a cd goes
into the player, and no one ever brings up the episode again.”
DS: “Are you really ascribing any
degree of importance to that?”
Prof. Howe: “It isn’t important---
not until two or three people in that group, under a form of irresistible
hypnosis, sneak off to the local record store, incognito, under the cloak
of darkness, with the intent of purchasing an AH HA remaster on compact
disc. By then, it’s too late. The vast 80’s conspiracy has a hold on you.”
DS: “… and you also claim that this
conspiracy has infiltrated contemporary politics?”
Prof. Howe: “Indeed it has. For
example: April 14th, 2004. Donald Rumsfeld gave a national security briefing.”
DS: “So?”
Prof. Howe: “… while WEARING a “Frankie
Goes to Hollywood” T shirt. One of those ones that has ‘Frankie Says Relax’
written on it. Also; how do you explain the first hand testimonies of persons
out in Nevada who report noises from out in the desert that sound like
Rick James’ “Superfreak”? Coincidence? I think not. And it isn’t just the
Bush administration, either. Take a look at this video.”
DS: (watching video) “What on GOD’S
green earth is THAT?”
Prof. Howe: “That, Mr. Sun, is John
Kerry and Ted Kennedy, dressed as pirates, lip syncing to an Adam Ant’s
“Goody Two Shoes”. I kid you not--- it is a total worldwide conspiracy.”
DS: “That is absolutely disgusting.
Look at how Ted Kennedy’s breasts slap him in the chin as he dances while
singing the chorus.”
Prof. Howe: “Yes. These are very
sick people. If they succeed, they will make break dancing the national
pastime. The slogan “Mom and Apple Pie” will be replaced with “Mom and
Mr. T cereal”. Our soldiers will be stripped of their camouflage attire,
and outfitted with parachute pants and neon shoe laces.”
DS: “… and the National Anthem?”
Prof. Howe: “Opinion is hotly divided
on the subject--- though we can all agree that it will either be “Hungry
Like the Wolf”, or “The Safety Dance”.”
DS: “… but it isn’t GLOBAL. Is it?”
Prof. Howe: “Take a look at this
photograph, Mr. Sun.”
DS: “It’s a picture of Billy Idol.”
Prof. Howe: “WRONG, Mr. Sun. That
is a picture of British Prime Minister Tony Blair. We’ve known for some
time that he and Billy Idol are the same person. Look here--- see around
the eyes? Now look at this picture of Blair giving a speech to Parliament
this past week. See the eyes? IDENTICAL. This, incidentally, begs
another observation--- “Parliament”--- obviously a veiled reference to
the Parliament Funkadelic.”
DS: “Wouldn’t it follow that, if
there were a vast 80’s conspiracy, these people would be on to you?”
Prof. Howe: “They are. For the past
two weeks, I’ve been shadowed by agents with Flock of Seagulls’ hair, everywhere
I go. My phone rings at all hours of the night. When I pick it up, they
speak their charges against me, and then play “I Ran So Far Away”. I haven’t
cracked yet, though. That probably means they’ll switch their intimidation
tactics on me.”
DS: “Intimidation tactics? Like
what?”
Prof. Howe: “Like plastering your
front lawn with “Huey Lewis” T shirts, or “Thompson Twins” posters--- or
playing Toni Basil’s “Mickey” to you as you sleep. They might even drive
around your block in a truck, playing “Land Down Under”, and try to give
you a vegemite sandwich. Also: they can make your television broadcast
movies like “Footloose”, and the “Breakfast Club” on a continuous cycle,
too.”
*Studio phone rings*
DS: “You’re on the DeadShow, this
is DeadSun speaking.”
Greenmuse: “Hey--- it’s Greenmuse.
What’s all this trash about a vast 80’s conspiracy? This man is obviously
a sick old crackpot. I mean, REALLY… “Mickey”? “Relax”? I suppose next,
he’ll be telling your audience that these shadowy conspirators will force
us all to star as extras in a worldwide reproduction of “Back To the Future”…”
Prof. Howe: “Ah--- Greenmuse. We
didn’t expect you’d have the nerve to call in an attempt to clear your
name. We’ve been tracking YOU TOO for some time.”
DS: “Greenmuse? Involved with the
vast 80’s conspiracy? That’s ridiculous.”
Prof. Howe: (flying from his chair)
“NO, Mr. Sun! What is ridiculous, is your unwillingness to acknowledge
the extent of this conspiracy! Mr. Muse is NOT ONLY a known high-ranking
operative of their infamous “Falco Division”, but has been seen--- on NO
LESS than three occasions--- sporting his jacket that has “Der Kommissar”
written on the back of it, in glittery, cursive lettering!”
Greenmuse: (stammering) “No, I…
but I didn’t… LOOK… I’m a victim of circumstance. I was led on by the treachery
of others. I’ll have you know that I hate Duran Duran with a white hot
passion, I…”
Prof. Howe: “… but not FALCO! *shouting*
ISN’T THAT RIGHT, MR. MUSE?” (starts playing “Der Kommissar”)
*Don’t turn around… Uh oh… Der Kommissar’s
in town…*
Greenmuse: *shrieks* (phone line
goes dead)
Prof. Howe: (turns to DS) “Wait
a second… did I just see your foot tapping?”
DS: “ME? My foot? Tapping? (shifting
in his seat) This is patently absurd.”
Prof. Howe: (lurches forward in
his seat) “You’re nervous, Mr. Sun. Tell me something… *dims lights and
shines an ophthalmoscope into DS’ eyes*…”
DS: “Alright. This has gone far..”
Prof. Howe: “You will speak when
you are spoken TO, Mr. Sun. Tell me… how many Devo hats do you own?”
DS: “What in God’s name are you
talking about?”
Prof. Howe: “LIAR! Are you now---
or have you ever been--- a card carrying member of the Vast Eighties Conspiracy?”
DS: “A card carrying WHAT?”
Prof. Howe: “Nevermind that. NOW---
which 80’s songs might we find if we, say, conducted a search of your home?”
DS: (apprehensively) “What do you
mean? You had better not have searched ANY of my property. You know---
for someone who bemoans the intimidation tactics of the Vast Eighties Conspiracy,
you do a fine job of it yourself. Might I ask you a question?”
Prof. Howe: “You may…”
DS: “What’s with the sunglasses?”
Prof. Howe: (uncomfortably) “Why
I… cataracts… no… I had an uncle who did the same thing… er…”
DS: “LIES! You’re wearing sunglasses
at night, AREN’T YOU?”
Prof. Howe: “Don’t do it… please
don’t…”
*Cues up “Sunglasses at Night”*
Prof. Howe: *shrieks and runs through
the wall*
DS: “Well folks, there you have
it. The Vast Eighties Conspiracy--- fact or fiction? You decide. Just remember,
when you’re in your car, scanning through those radio stations, a certain
80’s song just might come on--- and maybe you’ll keep it there, confident
that your privacy will keep others from knowing the truth--- but we’ll
be watching. We know. Until December, this is the DeadSun, signing off.”
(Rolls end credits, and cues up Wall
of Voodoo’s “Mexican Radio”)
Your
turn.
Fan
Speak:
|
