with DeadSun
You've seen him in Fan Speak all around
the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his
very own talk show, The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and
Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show.
 .
.
The
Vomit to Fred Durst Giveaway Contest!
(Hit stage lights, cue up "Black Coffee"
by Black Flag)
*snapping fingers*
Host DeadSun: Come on folks! You
know the words! "Staring at the walls... think I know what I see... ANGER...
and COFFEE.... FEELIN' MEAN!"... yeah! Caffeine addicts UNITE! Try as they
may to take your booze, your cigarettes, and your bacon double cheeseburgers---
they will never take my caffeine. (jumps on top of the desk) FREEEEDOM!
I'll bet you had no idea that I could do
William Wallace so uncannily, did you?
... but enough of this silliness.
It is with distinguished pleasure that
I welcome you back--- here among strange, like-minded malcontents--- to
the March installment of the Not Quite-So DeadShow and, I must say, you
are in for a real treat this month. What sort of treat, you ask? A very
special treat, indeed. For this month, thanks to the efforts of the powers
that be here at DeadSun Productions Ltd., I am completely thrilled to announce...
for the first time ANYWHERE... the first annual "Vomit to Fred Durst Giveaway
Contest"!
*random clapping*
That's right! How do you join? The rules
of the contest are simple:
1.) Fill up on the food and drink of your
choice.
2.) Watch the recently leaked Fred Durst
sex footage.
3.) Vomit.
*random clapping*
Now--- entries will be judged according
to a variety of categories.
1.) How many seconds of viewing lapsed
before the contestant vomited.
2.) The color and texture of the vomit---
in addition to the distance that it was projectiled.
3.) How many IQ points the viewer lost
while viewing the footage.
Three lucky winners will be awarded a FREE
year of services provided by RawkStar Home Security systems. Think about
it, folks--- your family and belongings protected TWENTY FOUR HOURS a day,
by a rock star!
Now it's time for us to introduce you to
our panel judge. Here he is--- BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND--- he's bitter, his
perceptions of the world are hopelessly out of whack... and he's 97 years
old. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the DeadShow... Old Man
Jones!
*Cue Glenn Miller's "In the Mood", and
the crowd goes somewhat more than slightly less than wild*
DS: "Old Man Jones, boy it's great
to have you here with-"
Old Man Jones: (interrupting DS)
"Old Man Jones? Where? Why that tree huggin' commie still owes me from
a poker game we played back in 1811."
DS: "No sir--- YOU are Old Man Jones---
and as old as you are, I don't believe you could have been born by 1811."
*whacks DS with his cane*
DS: "Ouch! Jesus, that HURTS. Knock
it off!"
Old Man Jones: "Don't you sass me,
sonny. I know damn well what year I played that poker game. It was during
the war... the one with the rabbits."
DS: (squinting) "Um.... right. Okay.
Well--- it's great to have you here. Are you ready for me to bring up our
contestants?"
Old Man Jones: (mumbling) "... [incoherent]...
god damned ingrates... [incoherent]... used to be able to get a shoeshine
for a nickel. I'll give em' what for..."
DS: "What did you say?"
Old Man Jones: "What was that, Tim?
Did you say that it's Tuesday? Jumpin' Jesus! I'm gonna be late for my
bridge game at the senior center! (stops and looks up at DS) Who the hell
are YOU?"
DS: "Uh, boy... I am DS, sir."
Old Man Jones: "Well enough of this
fancy talk, Ed. Let's get down to business--- and SPEAK UP, too. You're
obviously high. You damned hooligans start puffin' away on that Valium
stuff for kicks, or whatever the hell you call it, and you get all mousey.
How many spice racks do you own, Ted?""
DS: "None, sir."
Old Man Jones: "Fine--- then it's
settled."
DS: "Rrrright. Well--- let's meet
our first contestant! Welcome to the show! Are you ready to play the 'Vomit
to Fred Durst Giveaway'?"
*random clapping*
Contestant: "I am--- but I have
to tell you, I'm a little bit nervous. I just ate an entire bag of candy
corns, seven raw eggs, and a two-liter bottle of Pepsi."
DS: "It sounds like we're in for
a rare treat. You must REALLY want that prize! Of course, while the footage
rolls, those of us NOT competing for the prizes will be wearing a blindfold.
Roll the Fred Durst sex footage, Johnny!"
*footage rolls*
*00:02*
Contestant: "Man... this is easy."
*00:10*
Contestant: "Umm... (swallows hard)...
I don't feel good.."
*00:17*
Contestant: (takes a knee and starts
spitting) "STOP THE TAPE! STOP THE TAPE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD-"
*gag*... *vomit*... *SPLAT*
DS: "Outstanding job! Nice distance---
two, maybe two and a half feet. The EKG readouts indicate that, in seventeen
seconds of viewing the Durst sex footage, you only lost 30.6 points off
of your IQ--- that's an average of 1.8 IQ points per second. Not a bad
run at all. Also; the vomit chunks are smashing. Lots of yellow and orange.
The candy corns really give it a earthy, autumnal feel. Let's see what
the judge has to say!"
*whack*
DS: "YEOW! God damn it! What's the
matter with you?"
Old Man Jones: "Get the hell off
my lawn!"
DS: "LOOK--- this isn't your lawn.
We're not even at your house. Would you PLEASE just judge the vomit, so
I can award a damn prize?"
Old Man Jones: "Damned hoodlum.
(grumbling)... He's probably in one those 'rave gangs' that I seen the
other day on Jerry Springer."
Contestant: "Is he going to be alright?"
Old Man Jones: (walking over to
the puddle of vomit) "I'll be alright. I sure could use one of these colorful
bon bons..."
DS: (waving arms frantically) "NO,
DON'T! WAIT!"
*moist chewing noises*
Old Man Jones: "What the hell is
this? Some kind of stew? Where are those bon bons I saw just a second ago,
Bill?"
DS: "Oh. My. God. Listen up, folks---
why don't we just cut straight to the awards ceremony, okay?"
*victorious trumpet music*
DS: "Congratulations to our lucky
contestant. You've JUST WON--- courtesy of RawkStar Home Security--- a
home protection package with Metallica's Lars Ulrich! That's right--- your
home will be protected from intruders for a full year, by none other than
Lars Ulrich himself!"
*whack*
DS: "For the LAST time--- if you
HIT ME with that f*cking cane ONE MORE TIME, so help me..."
Old Man Jones: "You make me sick,
Jim. You're a disgrace to your family, and to your country. I knew you
were hopped up on dope, and into devil music, but I would never have guessed
that you were also a low-down traitor."
DS: "I know I'm going to wind up
kicking myself for asking... but why do you say that?"
Old Man Jones: "Your giving aid
and comfort to the enemy in a time of war. Lars, you said--- sounds German,
if you ask me."
DS: "Listen to me very carefully:
we are not at war with Germany. We haven't been at war with Germany since
May of 1945. Why am I even bothering--- (shouting) LARS ULRICH ISN'T EVEN
GERMAN!"
Old Man Jones: "You got any turkey
around here? God I love turkey... where's the cafeteria? And if those god
damn Nazis try to overtake my position, I'll give'em a good whallopin'."
DS: "There aren't any Nazis! How
can I make this more clear? All I wanted to do, was have a Vomit to Fred
Durst Giveaway Contest--- like any normal person might do. I suppose that's
it, then. The show is over."
*random clapping*
Anyhow--- I hope you've enjoyed this
month's show. Overall, it's been enlightening: I got hit with a cane several
times, we established that we are not at war with Germany, we watched an
elderly man eat a vomit chunk, and saw some guy get sick to footage of
Fred Durst having sex. Where else... but right here at the DeadShow.
For the closing credits, I've got a piece
of music that, if played loud enough, can make a stranger's hemorrhoids
bleed from across the street. Until next month... this is the DeadSun,
signing off.
(roll credits, and cue Carcass' Corporal
Jigsore Quandry)
*whack*
Old Man Jones: "God damn hippies..."
Your
turn.
Fan
Speak:
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