with DeadSun

You've seen him in Fan Speak all around the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his very own talk show,  The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show. 

disclaimer for lawyers and dumbasses: Please read the disclaimer before proceeding with this article. the disclaimer is included here-in by reference.

If you are under the age of 17, this article is not meant for you so please bugger off. For those too lazy to click what follows is parody and celebrity assholes are impersonated

Maybe a few of you are wondering to yourselves: "Fashion rock? Is this guy a stroke victim? What the hell is fashion rock supposed to be?" 

Well, you'd better strap in, because DeadSun is irked. He's about to learn ya, AND hurt a few feelings along the way. Pretty snazzy, huh?

Let's step back a few months. It's the merry month of May, and I am scanning through news bits at the Day in Rock section, when I happen upon an article regarding Alexander Kapranos, lead singer for Franz Ferdinand. Evidently, an assembly of poncey fans were mortified that the singer had cut his bangs. You get that? The singer cuts his hair, and this is actually a source of distress for certain persons? Give. Me. A. F*cking. Break. This is what I mean by "fashion rock"--- music scenes that are nothing but bullsh*t posturing--- just a bunch of soppy femmes, wringing their hands because some singer violated dress code. He no longer has... "the look". 

My advice to persons such as these? 

Perish. Perish in a sea of white hot fire. 

Fashion rock is an abomination. It is the result of what happens when poseurs and douche bags (redundancy of terms, I know) have begun to overtake a scene. The following is a list of items--- things which I have observed, and which span all styles of music, that serve me as a type of tell-tale sign that fashion rock is afoot. Of course there are always exceptions, and so in the spirit of fair-mindedness, I suggest this as a form of guideline. 

Item #1: Neckties. 

Are you people serious? What are we going for here--- a "corporate yes man" kind of motif? Where's the f*cking Monday morning manager's meeting being held, you cheese-dick? And don't give me that "it's intended as an ironic statement" bullsh*t, either. It's pretentious garbage from rank and file musicians, who want to play "New Wave dress up", and affect an air of cutting-edge sophistication. Die. If you happen to be shopping out cds, and every god damn band member on a given cd is wearing MATCHING f*cking neckties, snap the case in half, and pay the clerk 20 bucks for his trouble.

Item #2: Bands who substitute the letter "s" with the letter "z".

A lofty movement, innovated within the realm of rap, and subsequently adopted by lame white "kidz" and frat "boyz", in a piss weak attempt to prove to the world that "dey be bringin' da mad flava to da hustlaz and da hoez". There's not a whole lot of mystique surrounding its explanation. In short--- it lets other imbecilic anus-brains know that these imbecilic, anus-brained "bandz" are "ruff" and "tuff", and "gotz lotza street cred yo". What does it insinuate to me? "We are illiterate cattle... moo." If you see any such linguistic excrement whatsover adorning the cover of a band's release, avoid it like you would avoid syphilis.  

Item #3: The dreaded, ubiquitous "Iggy Pop haircut".

Hold your fire, people. I love Ig--- he is the man. The secret to Iggy's cool, though, lies in the fact that he doesn't TRY. He is himself. I've got news for the "Iggy Pop hairstyle" crowd--- you're trendy twats, who have deliberately made yourselves look like a couple hundred thousand OTHER trendy twats. Your desperation for cliquish acceptance is rendered all the more transparent by the presence of your tight-fitting jeans, cuffed and safety-pinned halfway up your shin. I see you sauntering around the shows and the indie shops like f*cking peacocks. How does this differ from the jock drones? It doesn't. You know what I think? I think you ought to sodomize your ear canals with a Numidian spear.   

Item #4: Arm bands.

It wasn't fashionable when the Nazis wore them. It was a novel effect for Pink Floyd's "The Wall", and therefore was the last (and only time) it was cool--- and that was in 1982. Maybe the original Misfits could get away with it. Maybe. Bad news for the rest of you--- it doesn't make your band look militant. Neither does it ironically compel us to contemplate the ever-increasing marginalization of individualism in our society, you f*cking crack babies. Michael Jackson wears these god damned things, for Christ's sake. So did Marilyn "Ooh I'm so incredibly shocking" Manson. Arm bands are a prime indicator that a band is trying to hump your wallet with a lame gimmick. If this doesn't scream "I crave attention like a junkie craves a needle" to you, then nothing will.  

Item #5: "We're a pop punk band."

Oh, isn't this exquisite--- two innately antithetical ideas, magically rolled into one. Luckily (for these bands and their labels), the average donkey who gobbles this prolefeed up doesn't generally give pause, and then formulate questions, when confronted with a self-contradictory message. Pop punk? What should I expect to hear from some sh*tstain's mouth next?

Singer: Hi there, we're an acoustic techno band.  

... or how about:

Singer: Good evening, we're called "Nuns With Guns", and we play racially tolerant skinhead punk. 

If you actually buy into "pop punk"... you should have been a blow job.   

Item #6: Backwards basball caps.

If you require (even) an INTRODUCTORY explanation, as to why this should sound off "Condition Red Fashion Rock Alarms" inside of your head, then you should be burned for energy. That is all. 
 
Item #7: "My band's name needs to be twelve f*cking words long."

This is an epidemic among emo and metalcore bands in particular. Once again--- fashionable, pretentious, affected behavior. Ever see these clowns? 

DS: What's your band called, man?

Singer: We're called "The Ashen Sky Defecates Sorrow Every Other Thursday"

They think it's dark and provocative. I think it's a bunch of sh*t.

Emo girl: Have you guys ever checked out "The Lone Pebble of Dung Plummets From the Bum of My Alienated Soul"? Those guys are, like, sooo uber hot!

... and so there you have it, folks. Of course this list could on for days, and I'm sure you have heaps of some intensely irksome examples of fashion rock as well. 

In the meantime, stay on guard, lest you fall for one of them.

Until next month, this is DS... signing off.

DS
 
 

Your turn. 

Fan Speak: