A sad time at ‘The Lab.’ The death of Layne Staley was just another reminder that the best and brightest in the music/entertainment world die too young (Cobain, Belushi, Nowell, Hoon, Morrison, Buddy Holly, among many others).  I know drugs are very ‘rock and roll’ (whatever in the hell that means), but this is getting ridiculous.

Crazy times. Most days, I just sit around ‘The Lab’ reading Hunter Thompson books, rotating between Alice In Chains ‘Unplugged’ (for the mellow times) and Botch’s ‘We Are The Romans’ (for the aggressive times) on the CD Player, and avoiding society in general. Bad craziness. So, this month, for the very random times we live in my head is swimming with very random thoughts. Here they are.

**Saying Courtney Love needs a psychiatric evaluation is like saying the sun is bright or the sky is blue. In other words: WELL DUH!

**Can someone please explain to me the whole Linkin Park thing? While we’re at it, someone explain to me the genius of: A Britney Spears VIDEO GAME, Dashboard Confessional, Makeoutclub.com and the need for any reality show not named “The Osborne’s”. It all makes me cringe. I will now light myself on fire.

**So, is there a “Spiderman” movie coming out or WHAT? I heard something about it a looooong time ago, but haven’t heard or seen anything since. If anyone knows what’s going on, please drop me an email. I mean, you’d THINK that a person would see at least ONE advertisement for such a potentially HUGE movie. (*SARCASM ALERT*)

**The success of ‘The Osbournes’ still amazes me.  Nonetheless, it’s still one of the best shows on television right now. Period. Even if it does air on the Great Satan of all TV networks.

**We need a “Behind The Music” for Guns and Roses. And we need it NOW.

**If I ever met Andrew W.K. on the street, I’d shoot him in the face. Twice. With a musket. AAAARRGGHH!

**Quote Of The Month: “I’m Ozzy Fuckin Osbourne, The Prince Of Fuckin Darkness. What do I need with bubbles!?! Evil, Sharon. EVIL!” (Or something to that effect.) You can’t write this kind of comedy, folks.

**Another thing that causes me to consider a multi-state killing spree is the success of Vagrant Records. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a totally indie label going out and being successful without the help of some snake of a corporate label helping..but this Dashboard Confessional, Save The Day crap is, well just that-CRAP. Seriously, this isn’t rock and roll..it’s whiny crap. Ok, look at it this way; (to steal a bit from the people over at Buddyhead) Dashboard Confessional is what’ll be playing on the car stereo when the fat chick in the straight from Hot Topic clothes loses her virginity at prom this month. Again, I will now light myself on fire.
 

** And finally…I think we need to build upon the success of Fox’s “Celebrity Boxing” and do it a little different. I can see it now: We could have such amazing under card action as Eddie Vedder v/s Scott Stapp  in a “Loser Leaves” match (Vedder, of course, wins this one quite easily…Stapp would be too busy praying or something..)

Andrew W.K. v/s The Screaming Guy from Linkin Park in a “The Winner Is Less Of A Dork” match (there are no winner here since both of these guys are insanely huge DORKS)
 
Eminem v/s Bubba Sparxxx v/s Vanilla Ice in a “White Guy Triple Threat” match. (there is no winner here either, as the greatest Tag Team of All Time-Notorious B.I.G and 2Pac come from nowhere..ok, well, the DEAD actually..to wipeout all three contestants).

And, finally, in THE MAIN EVENT we have a COLOSSAL match up. BIGGER than ‘The Thrilla In Manilla’, BIGGER than The Rock v/s Hollywood Hogan at Wrestlemania 18, BIGGER than Bob Barker v/s Adam Sandler (ahh..’Happy Gilmore’. One of the most underrated movies of my lifetime) we have a tag team match up for the ages…

The rules are simple going into this match. If Durst and Love win, Fever and antiGUY have to drop out of the 2004 Presidential Race (and, you’d thought I’d forgotten..haha. not bloody likely) and also are to never right another unkind word about either EVER AGAIN. If Fever and antiGUY win, Durst has to retire COMPLETELY from the business (no more *ahem* “music”, no more video directing, NOTHING) and also admit that he’s a fat, balding pedophile of a fraud. Love has to drop her various lawsuits against Dave Grohl and Krist Noveselic, relinquish any rights she has to Nirvana material and get the hell out of the way as the coveted Nirvana Box Set finally gets released.  High stakes.  I think we all know what happens in this match…I’ll just say that it wasn’t pretty. Fever and antiGUY win in record time. Leaving Durst and Love lying in a bloody heap in the middle of the ring. 

The match springboards antiGUY to the 2004 nomination. With his VP candidate along for the ride (Fever, of course) the wave rides high and washes up all the way at the White House. Life, as we know it, is never the same again.

Well, that pretty much wraps up the random thoughts. Oh, did I mention that this month. this column marks my two-year anniversary writing for antiMUSIC? Well, it does. Time sure flies when you’re bitching. Good times. Good times.

Oh, and I won’t be doing WHO DR. FEVER THINKS SHOULD DIE HORRIBLY this month because, well, my second candidate was involved in the Main Event…gee, what a shock.

Until next month…

Questions, Comments and stupid reasons why Courtney didn't kill Kurt (HAHAHAHA) should be emailed to:  PureRockFury@antimusic.net
 
 

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