Now that A$$lee $imp$on i$ done with the whole teen rebellion thing again$t her micromanager/ pimp daddy, her newe$t relea$e $how$ what can happen a$ a re$ult! On thi$ relea$e, in a move $ure to confu$e normal,protective father- type$, her daddy $ucceed$ in encap$ulating controver$ial ode$ to middle aged pedophile$, hint$ at $oft porn $tarring hi$ lil guuurl, & Brittney $pear$ wor$hip & tran$forming them into a multi- $quillion dollar franchi$e! The former Bapti$t mini$ter pulling the $tring$ behind the $cene$ pu$he$ her hard on thi$ relea$e to dabble in contover$y & wallow in naughtine$$ in order to increa$e record $ale$. Did that $trategy pay off? Apparently it did, but $ince i had to pay actual money to li$ten to thi$ CD online on the officiou$ $ite, i am ba$ing thi$ review on $ong title$ & picture$ on the $ite. Thi$ relea$e, coming not long after her recovery from her career $uicide- attempt on $NL to prote$t her controling father making her dre$$ up like a hooker & wear raccoon- eyed make up $o he could take picture$ of her & pla$ter them all over hi$ web$ite (acce$$ible with a credit card, to prove you are over 18) reveal$ A$$lee'$ unu$ual talent: $hamele$$ly mimicing more $ucce$$ful $tar$ that are not related to her. Apparently the love & devotion to Brittney $pear$ thi$ family ha$ permeate$ every effort anyone with the la$t name $imp$on put$ out. Their fervent de$ire i$ to maybe morph into B$ at the mo$t, and keep fan$ from forgetting abouth her now that $he'$ a grown up mommy at the lea$t. A$$lee doe$ her be$t to look like her, Tawk like her, $ing (i am gue$$ing here) like her, marry a dirt poor redneck like her, have a baby with $omeone el$e'$ baby'$ daddy like her, (i think A$$lee'$ daddy may have al;ready $old the right$ to the wedding to Fox at thi$ point, but $tay tuned for info on how to order the honeymoon video from the $imp$on cartel & bed & breakfa$t & mu$ic management corp.)

OK, onto the "mu$ic" review. Fir$t $ong i$ called, "Boyfriend", probably boa$ting about her grandio$e claim that $he dated accu$ed child rapi$t & killer Jo$eph $mith. Apparently $ince a lot of people are fa$cinated by the whole Carlie Brucia thing, which $truck her daddy a$ a great way to capitalize on thi$ intere$t & $ell $ome record$. Hope it work$!

In ca$e it doe$n't, A$$lee al$o $ing$ about $hirley McClaine, "In Another Life", where i think $he claim$ $he wa$ once Hitler, Buddah, and a comedy writer for Monty Python'$ Flying Circu$. In thi$ $ong, I bet $he write$ about how terrifying each generation i$, with more & more high tech thing$ like new fangled drum kit$ that produce $ong$ $o $he can re$t her vocal cord$. Thi$ $ong $how$ a new maturity a$ $he no longer blame$ her drummer or her old lady di$ea$e of acid reflux, but of the problem $he ha$ blending into modern $ociety given then fact that $he i$ u$ed to hor$e drawn carriage$ from her pa$t live$. 

"Beautifully Broken" i$ what I $u$pect an homage to the many fine gift$ given to her by older men her dad pander$ to with promi$e$ of more pix of hi$ lil guuuurl that my$teriou$ly end up on the floor & broken when their credit card$ don't go through on Daddy'$ $ite. Wonder no more, guy$! now you know!

"L.O.V.E." i$ a $ong that i gue$$ i$ about how $he continue$ to do well in $chool, bringing home A'$ in her $pelling cla$$ even though her dad keep$ her $o bu$y merchandi$ing her$elf that $he barely ha$ time to play Barbie$ or her new My little Kitty Pet $hop with Real Running Water Play Emporium! If A$$lee can do it with with a creepy dad like her$, then $o can you, little girl$!

"Comin' Bak Fo' Mo" maybe i$ A$$lee'$ gang$ta rap $ong, dedicated to 'all tho$e playuh$ & ho$!' that pimp daddy want$ to buy hi$ daughter$ CD$. Try it out, you guy$! you might be $urpri$ed at how ver$atile A$$lee really i$, once $he make$ up her mind to try $inging for real! I think "Dancing Alone" wa$ originally going to be a $ong about ma$turbation, written by her dad for her to croon at a Texa$ oil billionaire'$ 84th birthday thi$ month, but finally A$$lee'$ long$uffering mom put her foot down & told Pimp Daddy to quit being $o weird now that Child Protective $ervice$ ha$ a 24 hour watch on the hou$e & empire. Given the outcome of thi$ bit of made up info, i don't know what el$e to claim that thi$ $ong i$ about. 

"Burning Up" might be about her bout with an undi$clo$ed illne$$ that her dad refu$e$ to di$cu$$, mumbling a$ he doe$ from time to time about penicillin, no more hor$eback riding for A$$lee for a while & lot$a re$t. "Catch Me When I Fall" may be a coded cry for help. I have no idea what life under a pimp daddy would be like, bu7t i imagine it would not be plea$ant. My gue$$ i$ that "Eye$ Wide Open" wa$ going to be a nudge & wink nod to family movie$ that are be$t viewed only by the member$ of the immediate family intere$eted in that kinda thing (wink, nudge), but again, the 24 hour $urveillance from the CP$re$ulted in $uch a threat to the arti$tic freedom of A$$lee that thi$ $ong repre$ent$ 3 full minute$ of $ilence.

All indication$ point to "I Am Me- The Next Britney" and "G'day, Mate!" being really the $ame $ong, hinting at A$$lee'$ pimp dady'$ plan for hi$ lil guuuurl to take over the world down under. (Look out, Hobo! ) The$e $ong$ probably are really 16 minute long infomercial$ on all the wonderful product$ available from the $imp$on Family $tore, and blatent appeal$ for people to buy, buy, buy! now that Britt $pear$ i$ bu$y with LaLeche Leage & Baby Gap. In all, i'd $ay thi$ i$ a CD for people to buy that are intere$ted in learning about an extremely twi$ted family $tructure, like budding $ociologi$t$ who can't afford college but $till like to look at $trange thing$. Or, for little guuuurl$ with weird creepy pimp daddy$ them$elve$, for a good idea about a career after $uch childhood trauma. If you know anyone like thi$, buy a ca$e of CD$ to give away a$ party favor$!

Ashlee Simpson - I Am Me, The Next Britney: Blonde Moment$ Part 1

Label:Geffen Wreckords
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About "Let's Get Dolly": In January (2005) antiMusic readers were introduced to a colorful writer known as Dolly Doppelganger when her Veridical Polemic column debuted. That column almost never happened, but Dolly pestered us until we relented and gave her a chance. The results speak for themselves. You may not know this but Dolly originally applied for a reviewer position. Fast forward to mid-January, antiGuy asked me if we had any CDs to review that have been sitting around for a while.  I named a few and he shook his head and said, "I'll pass, I don't know who you would get to review some of those!" As those words escaped his lips, the solution came to me, "Let's get Dolly! She loves everything!" So, I gave Dolly a few CDs to try out her reviewing skills on and what I got back is classic Dolly. You may not learn much about the actual CDs, and you will learn far too much about Dolly's ideas but in the end if you are a Dolly fan you'll love her latest contributions to antiMusic. If you are looking for regular reviews of these cds, look somewhere else. Dolly don't play that. - Keavin Wiggins, Editor antiMusic.com

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