GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

Ahoy fellow fleas on the dogs butt of life, how goes it? I wish I could say it goes well here, but I'm the victim of a conspiracy. And if its one thing we know as writers at antiMusic it's a conspiracy. During my years here as a writer I've gotten the bottom of many of life's seedier goings on: mullets, Rock n Roll's Hall of Fame, good and evil in relation to rock music, and many other things. This I feel has made me a target. I've made lots of friends during my stint here, but I have also made enemies. . . . Powerful enemies. 
 
It all started the Sunday before last. I was happily driving to Blockbuster to pick up some DVD's I've been meaning to watch but I had to watch them with the missus so I passed on "City Of Lost Children" and rented "The Others"(decent, and who wouldn't like Nicole Kidman as a 1940's  housewife? ) and on the way back to the dwelling I was blissfully cruising along listening to the Rezillos's "flying saucer attack" and the thrum of Mitsubishi's finest 4 cylinder: the 4g63 burbling under the hood, then. . . It happened. The tell tale transmission slip. If you don't know what this feels like go out for a spin and while accelerating depress the clutch, if you are unfortunate enough to drive an automatic slushbox like me, just move from d to n and back again and you'll get the idea. Not the best feeling to get, especially when taking a turn. So I nurse it back home and there it still sits. I'm officially white trash now, I've got a non working car with tools under it in my driveway. I'm screwed, the year old rebuilt transmission is now over warranty and completely my problem. A nearly 2000 dollar problem to be exact. Now I ask you, why would a year old transmission fail? Actually this is the 2nd failure; the first was covered under warranty 3 months ago. This can only be the work of mullets. Angered by my poking fun at their Camaros resting on blocks. They thought they would strike me down from my haughty post. Also killing two birds with one stone they would punish me for driving a non-American, front wheel drive car. (fun fact :the 90-99 Eclipse is made in the USA, Normal, Illinois to be exact. Only the engines come from Japan). Every time I've been out under the hood lately I swear a 88 Camaro sits across the street monitoring me. The blaring Molly Hatchet and rattling of Budweiser cans gives their position in the mullet armada away. I'm on to them. But more is to come.  
 
Since I'm now chariotless I have to use the lady of the houses car. A very un-cool 97 Malibu, handles like a turd and has no cd player. Once again on my way to Blockbuster I just had the radio on for noise since this car is built for people who don't like engine noise, and then it happened. . . I started singing along to an impossibly lame tune. . . . . Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone". Yes it's true, I turn in my punk police riot gear, I do not pass go or collect 200 dollars. Bob strike me artless if I did not sing that chorus like it was "White Riot" or something equally boss. I don't know what came over me, it was strange and awkward. Id put it on about the level of walking in on your dad wanking on the couch to Denise Austin(not that this ever happened, but it would be high on the awkward scale if it did) I believe I even thought once or twice about playing the tune on my guitar. It is crystal clear what is going on. I'm a victim of the Avril conspiracy. (you cant tell me you don't believe Kelly and Avril switched bodies). Avril knew that I would be steeled to assaults from her so she switched bodies with Kelly and brought her pseudo rock with her. Not having the protection of my Avril gag reflex I let my guard down and she struck. Having me sing her song loudly was all the payback she needed. 
 
It's scary that different conspiracies are aligning to take down their detractors. This is a whole new ballgame folks who could be next? Could it be . . .  You? 

Greenmuse loves to hear from you, post a message below or send him an email at greenmuse@antimusic.com (he does get some rather strange emails from time to time... there was this one from a 14 punker girl who asked him if he wanted to...) 
 

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