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Previous Musings

Plumbing The Depths Of The Mallcore Mind. Vol. 1. 

This month I’ve taken it to the streets, that is to say the mall. I printed up some business cards with some fake music site dot-com logo, and brought one of those James Bond type tape recorders and went to the mall to see what fun I could conjure. So here it is. 

Interviewee#1- Chris. a typical mall going 14 year old, shoulder length black hair with blond tips, wearing a slipknot t shirt  and huge ass jnco pants. Starts every sentence with “dude”, I introduced myself as Arthur “two sheds” Jackson and prayed he never saw the Monty Python sketch of the same name. 

Me:  Hi, I’m Arthur ”two sheds” Jackson, can I ask you a few questions for www.realmetalmaggots.com? (apologies if this is a real site.  )I’m doing interviews with people who I think would fit in on our site. 

Chris:  Dude, sure. What’s up with the two sheds thing?

Me: I was thinking of buying another shed at one time. But I didn’t and for some reason the name stuck. but on with the questions. First, what’s your favorite band?

Chris: Duuude, slipknot!! (raises a fist) 

*I think to myself “is this guy for real?”

Me: Okay, and for what reasons?
Chris: Oh man, they just rock, I can really get into their lyrics, and I really love Corey’s growls. 

Me: Yeah, they rock. What are some of the other bands you are into?

Chris: I like the hardcore stuff, you know like Saliva, Primer55, and Limp Bizkit. 

Me:  Since you said Limp Bizkit, what do you think of the Fred and the pie incident? And what do you think caused it?

Chris: Dude, I’m totally on Fred’s side, if that kid punked me like that, I would have kicked his ass too. People are just jealous of Fred’s ability, that’s all. 

Me: Word! How about N Sync, ya like them?

Chris: Are you retarded dude? I f***ing hate them!! They are ruining music with their fake s***. Slipknot could take ‘em all. 

Me: They sure could. A few more questions and I’ll be on way, what do you think of people who call Slipknot cheesy or mallcore?

Chris: Dude, I think they are intimidated by Slipknot’s greatness, I mean these guys rock harder than anyone out there. And many people like me , who are just fed up with the world, really identify with the lyrics.

Me: How about the mask thing, do you like that?

Chris: Yeah, I think its pretty cool, it makes it kinda of mysterious in a way. 

Me: What would you say if I told you I’m Mick 7?

Chris: I’d call you a liar dude, you don’t have any hair!

Me: Its part of the mask, nobody would expect a guy with no hair to be Mick 7. 

Chris: I still don’t believe you. can you show me the mask?

Me: Do you think I carry the f***ing mask around all the time? Just to prove to little wannabes like you that I am who I say U am? So you think I wear the boiler suit all the time too, even when I’m eating dinner with my mom? I should have known I couldn’t reveal myself to anyone. 

Chris: Well (looks down, ashamed) I guess you do have a point. 

Me: You are damn right I got a point but seriously, I gotta go, thanks for doing the interview. 

Chris: You’re welcome dude, are you, are you really him?

Me: Nah, I was just seeing what you would do. 

(After this it was all just more pointless banter. ending in me calling Chris, a fat piece of crap for spilling his almond dipping sauce for his pretzel on my pants. it was a fun day)

Conclusion: A rather boring trip into a young mind, hungry for angry music, and masked mayhem. Perhaps we can learn a lot from this, maybe we can’t, but the important thing is, these people are out there everyday, in every mall, in every school, behind every school, puking their guts out after sneaking dad’s bottle of scotch to school and shooting it behind the bleachers (thanks for the story Chris) these kids are the future leaders of our country, the next zit faced kid working at Spencers. This is the future; let’s all salute the mallcore kids of America!!

The End ?


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