GREENMUSE is a regular reader
and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily
reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy
what he has to say!
Previous Musings
.
Fear The Red Maple Leaf
hi,hi,hi there, things have been more hectic
than usual here my domey, but I’ve had a chance to work on my ongoing study
of the musico/socio/economical impact of the worst thing to come from the
frozen land of Canada since a certain sea lion learned to “sing” and married
her pouty lipped manager, yes THAT sea lion. I’m of course talking of my
arch nemesis, Avril Lavigne. I will dance with her in the six-sided ring
of fire, as I’m onto her little scheme.
You see Canada is not the kind neighbor
to the north that we here in the United States believe them to be. Not
in the slightest, they are secretly planning the domination of the entire
world! That’s right, world domination! I can see you thinking, “this guy
is off his rocker”, but am I? Or am I so in tune with the nefarious goings
on of Canada that it only appears I’m insane? None the less, let me get
on with what I need to get on with. You see for the longest time Canada’s
population has put up with the Canadian stereotype of being kind hearted
people, or pop singers, or hockey players, or lame punk bands (eg.
sum41) The other night I was watching Much Music and the A&R guy that
signed Sum41 actually said these words, ”Sum41 are the Beatles of punk”
and the guy's partner actually said these words, ”Sum41 is the band every
band wishes they were” ..and I doubt they were being sarcastic. You see
the music of Canada, whether it's, Celine Dion, Sum41, Alanis Morisette,
Barenaked Ladies, Nickleback, Bryan Adams, or Shania Twain all serve the
same purpose; to Canadianize the population of the world. Canadianize?!
What’s that? I’m glad you asked; as this is where the maple leafed wheels
of the Canadian wermacht begin to really spin.
You see Canada’s music industry is overseen
by the military arm of the Canadian government and is actually Canada’s
prime offensive weapon. It all started with the Monkees, who were actually
an undercover Canadian band, who attempted to steal the spotlight from
the Beatles and begin the first wave of Canadianization of the American
people. But it didn’t go as planned, it turns out Davey Jones mullet was
a weak point for the not yet mullet savvy American public and the facts
that their music was horrible, completely manufactured, and their drummer
actually was a monkey (he’s a rare Canadian breed). Flash forward a few
years to the 70’s, here we have Rush, now I can hear you people grumbling,
“hey man Rush rocks” and to you I say, welcome to the early stages of Canadianization.
Rush was deployed to show the world the superior singing voice of Geddy
Lee, this plot too failed horribly, when deprived of his native snowfields
upon which to graze, his voice degraded into sounding like a woman’s soprano,
as opposed to his original baritone.
The scientists at the Canadian ministry
of defense needed a stronger, more robust warrior than the frail Geddy,
so they engineered the ultimate super weapon, the CD2000,or the singer
commonly known as Celine Dion. The CD2000 was built of a strong combination
of hocky puck material and moose antlers. The test runs of the CD2000 were
successful, and full Canadianization of the middle-aged populace was implemented.
The CD2000’s main purpose is to persuade middle-aged women to only mate
with Canadian males. This had much success, but was hindered by the middle-aged
women’s lack of procreation ability, so a new plan was drawn up, this time
with younger women in mind to produce the Canadian offspring the maple
leaf regime required. Enter the AM2 or Alanis Morissette as she was commonly
known. The AM prototype was programmed with lots of anger, despite spending
years as a pop superstar. The younger females of the world latched on to
the AM2.0’s message of angst and took on the persona of the pissed off
girls of the world. And as soon as the AM2.0 was prepared to bring the
lot of them back to the mother country, the AM2.0 released another album,
this time the anger was gone and so was the charm. The masses fell away
like scabs; Canada’s hopes for world domination fell with them.
Flash forward a few more years. The Canadian
warlords were dormant for years, having basically given up hope on the
aging CD2000 platform and the AM2.0. The head of the Mounties took it upon
himself to engineer the weapon that AM2.0 was supposed to be and this time
improve on the design by aiming the cyborg towards an even younger demographic;
the 15-16 year old girls, thusly the fruits of his labors were unveiled
as A.L666, which of course is your friend and mine, Avril Lavigne.
Avril was implemented with amazing speed,
within a matter of weeks of hitting the US shores, Avril mania ensued,.
Avril’s supposed message of “I’m being myself, despite how I constantly
contradict myself in my lyrics,” hit home with the young disillusioned
female masses who were looking for a rebellious replacement for the dying
boyband craze. Soon they were all donning the tie and wife beater
in her video “sk8r boi” (you will notice that this uniform is not so dissimilar
to the brown shirt and red armband employed by Hitler’s S.A.) Avril is
actually showing thinly veiled propaganda of what the perfect (Canadian)
male should be, as opposed to the American males illustrated by Fred Durst
and Eminem, and their partner in crime, Nelly. All of which are Canadian
planted to look like Americans. Before long the American male will have
no place in the Avril regime, so fear the red maple leaf, for it is dyed
with the blood of our not yet born.
Greenmuse loves
to hear from you, post a message below or send him an email at greenmuse@antimusic.com
(he does get some rather strange emails from time to time... there was
this one from a 14 punker girl who asked him if he wanted to...)
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