GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

hi,hi,hi there, things have been more hectic than usual here my domey, but I’ve had a chance to work on my ongoing study of the musico/socio/economical impact of the worst thing to come from the frozen land of Canada since a certain sea lion learned to “sing” and married her pouty lipped manager, yes THAT sea lion. I’m of course talking of my arch nemesis, Avril Lavigne. I will dance with her in the six-sided ring of fire, as I’m onto her little scheme.

You see Canada is not the kind neighbor to the north that we here in the United States believe them to be. Not in the slightest, they are secretly planning the domination of the entire world! That’s right, world domination! I can see you thinking, “this guy is off his rocker”, but am I? Or am I so in tune with the nefarious goings on of Canada that it only appears I’m insane? None the less, let me get on with what I need to get on with. You see for the longest time Canada’s population has put up with the Canadian stereotype of being kind hearted people, or  pop singers, or hockey players, or lame punk bands (eg. sum41) The other night I was watching Much Music and the A&R guy that signed Sum41 actually said these words, ”Sum41 are the Beatles of punk” and the guy's partner actually said these words, ”Sum41 is the band every band wishes they were” ..and I doubt they were being sarcastic. You see the music of Canada, whether it's, Celine Dion, Sum41, Alanis Morisette, Barenaked Ladies, Nickleback, Bryan Adams, or Shania Twain all serve the same purpose; to Canadianize the population of the world. Canadianize?! What’s that? I’m glad you asked; as this is where the maple leafed wheels of the Canadian wermacht begin to really spin.

You see Canada’s music industry is overseen by the military arm of the Canadian government and is actually Canada’s prime offensive weapon. It all started with the Monkees, who were actually an undercover Canadian band, who attempted to steal the spotlight from the Beatles and begin the first wave of Canadianization of the American people. But it didn’t go as planned, it turns out Davey Jones mullet was a weak point for the not yet mullet savvy American public and the facts that their music was horrible, completely manufactured, and their drummer actually was a monkey (he’s a rare Canadian breed). Flash forward a few years to the 70’s, here we have Rush, now I can hear you people grumbling, “hey man Rush rocks” and to you I say, welcome to the early stages of Canadianization. Rush was deployed to show the world the superior singing voice of Geddy Lee, this plot too failed horribly, when deprived of his native snowfields upon which to graze, his voice degraded into sounding like a woman’s soprano, as opposed to his original baritone.

The scientists at the Canadian ministry of defense needed a stronger, more robust warrior than the frail Geddy, so they engineered the ultimate super weapon, the CD2000,or the singer commonly known as Celine Dion. The CD2000 was built of a strong combination of hocky puck material and moose antlers. The test runs of the CD2000 were successful, and full Canadianization of the middle-aged populace was implemented. The CD2000’s main purpose is to persuade middle-aged women to only mate with Canadian males. This had much success, but was hindered by the middle-aged women’s lack of procreation ability, so a new plan was drawn up, this time with younger women in mind to produce the Canadian offspring the maple leaf regime required. Enter the AM2 or Alanis Morissette as she was commonly known. The AM prototype was programmed with lots of anger, despite spending years as a pop superstar. The younger females of the world latched on to the AM2.0’s message of angst and took on the persona of the pissed off girls of the world. And as soon as the AM2.0 was prepared to bring the lot of them back to the mother country, the AM2.0 released another album, this time the anger was gone and so was the charm. The masses fell away like scabs; Canada’s hopes for world domination fell with them.

Flash forward a few more years. The Canadian warlords were dormant for years, having basically given up hope on the aging CD2000 platform and the AM2.0. The head of the Mounties took it upon himself to engineer the weapon that AM2.0 was supposed to be and this time improve on the design by aiming the cyborg towards an even younger demographic; the 15-16 year old girls, thusly the fruits of his labors were unveiled as A.L666, which of course is your friend and mine, Avril Lavigne. 

Avril was implemented with amazing speed, within a matter of weeks of hitting the US shores, Avril mania ensued,. Avril’s supposed message of “I’m being myself, despite how I constantly contradict myself in my lyrics,” hit home with the young disillusioned female masses who were looking for a rebellious replacement for the dying boyband craze. Soon they were all donning the tie and wife beater  in her video “sk8r boi” (you will notice that this uniform is not so dissimilar to the brown shirt and red armband employed by Hitler’s S.A.) Avril is actually showing thinly veiled propaganda of what the perfect (Canadian) male should be, as opposed to the American males illustrated by Fred Durst and Eminem, and their partner in crime, Nelly. All of which are Canadian planted to look like Americans. Before long the American male will have no place in the Avril regime, so fear the red maple leaf, for it is dyed with the blood of our not yet born.

Greenmuse loves to hear from you, post a message below or send him an email at greenmuse@antimusic.com (he does get some rather strange emails from time to time... there was this one from a 14 punker girl who asked him if he wanted to...) 
 

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