Jealous Haters Since 1998!
Home | News | Reviews | Day In Rock | RockNewsWire | Singled Out | Tour Dates/Tix | Feeds

GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

Previous Musings
.

Adult Contemporary: Vital To Existence? 

Ahoy droogs. Hope the month has been treating you right. Its been dandy here in the glade. I've been enjoying the presidential debates, though the vice presidential debates were where the fun was. You could tell both those jokers knew nobody gives a damn about the vice presidential debates and were basically getting cheap shots in at each other, next election year I vote we get Jerry Springer to host them. Put some steel chairs in the room and let the candidates go at it like white trash fighting over who put who’s seed in who’s belly. 

Now on to the important stuff, in my research this month at the greenmuse institute for cultural advancement (wot? You don't have an institute named after you? ) I've have come up with a very interesting theory as to why the world as a whole is going to hell in a handbasket.  

My theory is this: the earths gravitational field relies heavily on the cheese factor of music, now I know what your thinking ”but gm, isn't there enough cheese in music now to give us gravity for eternity? Wot with American Idol and that godawful band from the UK Busted and all”? And yes you are right, that should be enough to keep us all firmly planted on the earths crust, but it's a different sort of cheese, it's unintentional cheesiness of the musicians. What we need to save us from floating right off into space is the pure, unadulterated, unapologetic cheese of adult contemporary music. The last great adult contemporary cheese has been Celine Dions “my heart will go on” but this song, while nearly unmatched in the genre cannot hold us all to the earth forever. 

What I'm calling for is for all the “retro” bands to do us all a favor and take up the banner of adult contemporary and stop this global disaster from happening. Nobody wants to hear their rip offs of Iggy Pop or The Who anyway, so why not really go all out and play music that only mothers want to hear? Who can't remember their mother rocking out to Richard Marx, Journey or Air Supply? Think back to those times and remember how firmly you were planted on the ground as compared to now, don't your steps seem slightly light without these bastions of cheese to feed the earths gravity producer? And by now if you are thinking you could circumvent this impending doom by playing all the Chicago you can find, well sorry to burst your bubble, you are wrong. The gravity producing gnomes working deep in the earths core get tired of hearing the same songs over and over. New songs must be had. 

However in this dismal outlook I have suggestions for existing bands to help out the world by changing their musical direction, though in certain cases this would only be a natural progression. First we need a new Jefferson Starship, not adult contemporary in the pure sense. But they are so bad light FM stations won't even play them. Metallica should be the new Starship. Metallica, like Jefferson Airplane at one time, both bands rocked harder than most any band of their time, but as time went on both bands rock/suck ratio started getting waay out of whack and soon the old Jefferson Airplane become unrecognizable.  [Softtallica?  -ed]

Metallica just needs to speed this process up more. I'm sure Lars would be up for it if the world would take up a collection and throw some money his way. Jet should become the new Supertramp as both give Australia a bad name. And just out and out suck. Luckily the people down under can still claim AC/DC and still save face. 

Fred durst should be the new Phil Collins. These guys are similar as they both were in bands that pretty much sucked (though in Genesis's case Peter Gabriel held most of the talent, Limp Bizkit has no talent. Perhaps some resides in DJ Lethal, but I doubt it) we all know Fred will strike out on his own and release single after single of shit nobody wants to hear, yet for some reason the music keeps being made. 

Usher should be the new Richard Marx. If you squint your eyes and turn your head you can picture him in that Marx mullet quaff can't you? Like Marx I fully expect Usher's fanbase to be made up entirely of women. This alone makes usher the only current musician to be able to fill the holy Richard Marx's white Reeboks and your friends and mine, Busted should take up where Sting left off. They are British and by the look of them you half expect them to rock(though in busted case Avril’s already fished that pond dry, so they are out of luck there). 

So there you have it, the problem and solution all in one place. With these changes in place the earth will have its gravity and we all won't float out to oblivion. NASA won't admit this is a problem as they are in bed with the RIAA and Dubya. Sure Bush has nothing to do with this, but its evil, its a conspiracy. He has to be involved. Vote Adam West for president in November! ! 

This month's song of the month is “nervous breakdown” by Black Flag. If you were to look up damn fine American punk rock in a dictionary, it would have this song in the definition. So long and don't take any wooden nickels! 
 
 

Fan Speak:

What do you think? Which artists can bring the cheese to save the earth? 


They call you 
What's up?:

Fan Speak:

end




.
News Reports
.
• Day in Rock:
Survivor Singer Jimi Jamison Dead at 63- Foo Fighters Preview New Song- Ted Nugent Warned Hendrix, Bon Scott They Were Going To Die- Michael Schenker Robbed- more

• Day in Pop Trisha Yearwood and Kelly Clarkson PrizeFighter Duet Released- Lupe Fiasco, Jennifer Hudson and Common Release Cancer Song- Ed Sheeran Becomes Little Orphan Annie- more

• B-Sides: New Song From Johnny Winter and Aerosmith's Joe Perry Streaming- Robert Plant Streaming New Album Online- Video From Final KISS and Def Leppard Show- more

 Subscribe To Day in Rock

.
 
Reviews
.

• On The Record: Kodacrome - Aftermaths

• Kyle Hollingsworth - Speed of Life

• Meridian - The Awful Truth

• Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson - Thick as a Brick - Live in Iceland

• ZZ Top - Live at Montreux 2013

• Helstar - This Wicked Nest

• Get To Know... 21Octayne

• AUG - Be Careful What You Wish For...

• Hot In The City: Best Dog Award- Consider Me Dead- Mallevs

• Prong - Ruining Lives

• On The Record: The Steady As She Goes - Dangerous & Dead

• Rob Decoup - Pain

• James Brown - Get On Up Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

• Echo And The Bunnymen Live

• Peter Gabriel - Back to Front

• Marco Minnemann - Eeps

• Lollapalooza 2014: Day Three


.
.
.

Search for Tickets

Or Browse For Tickets

.
.
Today's Rock News
.

• Survivor Singer Jimi Jamison Dead at 63

• Foo Fighters Preview New Song

• Ted Nugent Warned Hendrix, Bon Scott They Were Going To Die

• Michael Schenker Robbed

• Jethro Tull Founding Member Glenn Cornick Dead At 67

• Smashing Pumpkins Days Are Numbered?

• Gwar Preview New Documentary

• Kate Bush Makes Chart History

• The Breeders Working On New Music

• Live Releasing First New Album In 8 Years

• Exodus Reveal New Album Details

• Joe Perry Helped Give Metallica The Blues

• Morgoth Release First New Song In 17 Years

• Courtney Love Changes Her Focus

• Unearth Releasing New Album This Fall

• Butcher Babies Cover Osmonds, Suicidal Tendencies On New EP

• Evergrey Reunion Saved Band

• Planet Of The Apes Inspired Hammerfall's New Album

• Night Ranger Reunites With Keri Kelli

• Motley Crue Conclude First Leg Of Farewell Tour

• Glenn Hughes Unwittingly Sang California Breed Vocals

• KXM Wrote and Recorded Album In Just 10 Days

• Former Fear Factory Member Criticizes Band Using Drum Machine

• Torche Australian Date Canceled

• Magnum's New Album Inspired By The Great War

• Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson Born In The Wrong Era?


Subscribe to Day in Rock Report by Email

.
.
Today's Pop News
.

• Trisha Yearwood and Kelly Clarkson PrizeFighter Duet Released

• Lupe Fiasco, Jennifer Hudson and Common Release Cancer Song

• Ed Sheeran Becomes Little Orphan Annie

• Jeezy Posts Bail For Gun Possession Arrest

• Miley Cyrus' Homeless VMAs Date Turns Himself In And Posts Bail

• Tears for Fears Launching North American Tour

• Jason Aldean Premieres Burnin' It Down Video

• Riff Raff Vs Sam Smith Over VMAs Photo Edit

• Jay Leno Talks TV Special, Robin Williams, Jimmy Fallon

• Ian Somerhalder Talks Upcoming Vampire Diaries Season

.
.
Latest B-Sides News
.


• New Song From Johnny Winter and Aerosmith's Joe Perry Streaming

• Robert Plant Streaming New Album Online

• Video From Final KISS and Def Leppard Show Goes Online

• Metallica Star Jams With Rodrigo y Gabriela

• Rob Halford On The Conviction Behind Judas Priest's New Album

• Status Quo Discuss Unplugged Project

• Asking Alexandria Deliver Mayhem In Moving On Video

• Godsmack Star Has Blues On The Side

• Agent Release Collecting Scars Video

• Amplifier Premiere New Song Open Up

• Lostprophets Offshoot No Devotion Release New Video

• Engineers Release Fight Or Flight Video

• Classic Lou Reed Interview Gets Animated

• Singled Out: April Kry's Beauty Queen.

More News

.
 
anti Worthy Links
.
• AudioNationRadio.com • The Screen Door • A Journal of Musical Things • Lloyd Zeffler blog • Demolish Mag • Nightwatcher's House of Rock • CJ Chilvers • Deja Voodoo • The 1st Five • thecopycat.biz • Hard Rock Memorabilia • Day in Rock @twitter

.
  .
.

Click Here to Buy T-Shirts!
Click Here to Buy T-Shirts!



 

Tell a Friend about this page - Contact Us - Privacy - antiMusic Email - Why we are antiMusic

Copyright© 1998 - 2014 Iconoclast Entertainment Group All rights reserved. antiMusic works on a free link policy for reprinting of our original articles, click here for details. Please click here for legal restrictions and terms of use applicable to this site. Use of this site signifies your agreement to the terms of use.