GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say!
Ahoy droogs. Hope the month has been treating you right. Its been dandy here in the glade. I've been enjoying the presidential debates, though the vice presidential debates were where the fun was. You could tell both those jokers knew nobody gives a damn about the vice presidential debates and were basically getting cheap shots in at each other, next election year I vote we get Jerry Springer to host them. Put some steel chairs in the room and let the candidates go at it like white trash fighting over who put who’s seed in who’s belly.
Now on to the important stuff, in my research this month at the greenmuse institute for cultural advancement (wot? You don't have an institute named after you? ) I've have come up with a very interesting theory as to why the world as a whole is going to hell in a handbasket.
My theory is this: the earths gravitational field relies heavily on the cheese factor of music, now I know what your thinking ”but gm, isn't there enough cheese in music now to give us gravity for eternity? Wot with American Idol and that godawful band from the UK Busted and all”? And yes you are right, that should be enough to keep us all firmly planted on the earths crust, but it's a different sort of cheese, it's unintentional cheesiness of the musicians. What we need to save us from floating right off into space is the pure, unadulterated, unapologetic cheese of adult contemporary music. The last great adult contemporary cheese has been Celine Dions “my heart will go on” but this song, while nearly unmatched in the genre cannot hold us all to the earth forever.
What I'm calling for is for all the “retro” bands to do us all a favor and take up the banner of adult contemporary and stop this global disaster from happening. Nobody wants to hear their rip offs of Iggy Pop or The Who anyway, so why not really go all out and play music that only mothers want to hear? Who can't remember their mother rocking out to Richard Marx, Journey or Air Supply? Think back to those times and remember how firmly you were planted on the ground as compared to now, don't your steps seem slightly light without these bastions of cheese to feed the earths gravity producer? And by now if you are thinking you could circumvent this impending doom by playing all the Chicago you can find, well sorry to burst your bubble, you are wrong. The gravity producing gnomes working deep in the earths core get tired of hearing the same songs over and over. New songs must be had.
However in this dismal outlook I have suggestions for existing bands to help out the world by changing their musical direction, though in certain cases this would only be a natural progression. First we need a new Jefferson Starship, not adult contemporary in the pure sense. But they are so bad light FM stations won't even play them. Metallica should be the new Starship. Metallica, like Jefferson Airplane at one time, both bands rocked harder than most any band of their time, but as time went on both bands rock/suck ratio started getting waay out of whack and soon the old Jefferson Airplane become unrecognizable. [Softtallica? -ed]
Metallica just needs to speed this process up more. I'm sure Lars would be up for it if the world would take up a collection and throw some money his way. Jet should become the new Supertramp as both give Australia a bad name. And just out and out suck. Luckily the people down under can still claim AC/DC and still save face.
Fred durst should be the new Phil Collins. These guys are similar as they both were in bands that pretty much sucked (though in Genesis's case Peter Gabriel held most of the talent, Limp Bizkit has no talent. Perhaps some resides in DJ Lethal, but I doubt it) we all know Fred will strike out on his own and release single after single of s*** nobody wants to hear, yet for some reason the music keeps being made.
Usher should be the new Richard Marx. If you squint your eyes and turn your head you can picture him in that Marx mullet quaff can't you? Like Marx I fully expect Usher's fanbase to be made up entirely of women. This alone makes usher the only current musician to be able to fill the holy Richard Marx's white Reeboks and your friends and mine, Busted should take up where Sting left off. They are British and by the look of them you half expect them to rock(though in busted case Avril’s already fished that pond dry, so they are out of luck there).
So there you have it, the problem and solution all in one place. With these changes in place the earth will have its gravity and we all won't float out to oblivion. NASA won't admit this is a problem as they are in bed with the RIAA and Dubya. Sure Bush has nothing to do with this, but its evil, its a conspiracy. He has to be involved. Vote Adam West for president in November! !
This month's song of the month is “nervous
breakdown” by Black Flag. If you were to look up damn fine American punk
rock in a dictionary, it would have this song in the definition. So long
and don't take any wooden nickels!