antiMusic Logo
Jealous Haters Since 1998!
Home | News | Reviews | Day In Rock | RockNewsWire | Singled Out | Feeds
spacer

GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

Previous Musings
.

Adult Contemporary: Vital To Existence? 

Ahoy droogs. Hope the month has been treating you right. Its been dandy here in the glade. I've been enjoying the presidential debates, though the vice presidential debates were where the fun was. You could tell both those jokers knew nobody gives a damn about the vice presidential debates and were basically getting cheap shots in at each other, next election year I vote we get Jerry Springer to host them. Put some steel chairs in the room and let the candidates go at it like white trash fighting over who put who’s seed in who’s belly. 

Now on to the important stuff, in my research this month at the greenmuse institute for cultural advancement (wot? You don't have an institute named after you? ) I've have come up with a very interesting theory as to why the world as a whole is going to hell in a handbasket.  

My theory is this: the earths gravitational field relies heavily on the cheese factor of music, now I know what your thinking ”but gm, isn't there enough cheese in music now to give us gravity for eternity? Wot with American Idol and that godawful band from the UK Busted and all”? And yes you are right, that should be enough to keep us all firmly planted on the earths crust, but it's a different sort of cheese, it's unintentional cheesiness of the musicians. What we need to save us from floating right off into space is the pure, unadulterated, unapologetic cheese of adult contemporary music. The last great adult contemporary cheese has been Celine Dions “my heart will go on” but this song, while nearly unmatched in the genre cannot hold us all to the earth forever. 

What I'm calling for is for all the “retro” bands to do us all a favor and take up the banner of adult contemporary and stop this global disaster from happening. Nobody wants to hear their rip offs of Iggy Pop or The Who anyway, so why not really go all out and play music that only mothers want to hear? Who can't remember their mother rocking out to Richard Marx, Journey or Air Supply? Think back to those times and remember how firmly you were planted on the ground as compared to now, don't your steps seem slightly light without these bastions of cheese to feed the earths gravity producer? And by now if you are thinking you could circumvent this impending doom by playing all the Chicago you can find, well sorry to burst your bubble, you are wrong. The gravity producing gnomes working deep in the earths core get tired of hearing the same songs over and over. New songs must be had. 

However in this dismal outlook I have suggestions for existing bands to help out the world by changing their musical direction, though in certain cases this would only be a natural progression. First we need a new Jefferson Starship, not adult contemporary in the pure sense. But they are so bad light FM stations won't even play them. Metallica should be the new Starship. Metallica, like Jefferson Airplane at one time, both bands rocked harder than most any band of their time, but as time went on both bands rock/suck ratio started getting waay out of whack and soon the old Jefferson Airplane become unrecognizable.  [Softtallica?  -ed]

Metallica just needs to speed this process up more. I'm sure Lars would be up for it if the world would take up a collection and throw some money his way. Jet should become the new Supertramp as both give Australia a bad name. And just out and out suck. Luckily the people down under can still claim AC/DC and still save face. 

Fred durst should be the new Phil Collins. These guys are similar as they both were in bands that pretty much sucked (though in Genesis's case Peter Gabriel held most of the talent, Limp Bizkit has no talent. Perhaps some resides in DJ Lethal, but I doubt it) we all know Fred will strike out on his own and release single after single of s*** nobody wants to hear, yet for some reason the music keeps being made. 

Usher should be the new Richard Marx. If you squint your eyes and turn your head you can picture him in that Marx mullet quaff can't you? Like Marx I fully expect Usher's fanbase to be made up entirely of women. This alone makes usher the only current musician to be able to fill the holy Richard Marx's white Reeboks and your friends and mine, Busted should take up where Sting left off. They are British and by the look of them you half expect them to rock(though in busted case Avril’s already fished that pond dry, so they are out of luck there). 

So there you have it, the problem and solution all in one place. With these changes in place the earth will have its gravity and we all won't float out to oblivion. NASA won't admit this is a problem as they are in bed with the RIAA and Dubya. Sure Bush has nothing to do with this, but its evil, its a conspiracy. He has to be involved. Vote Adam West for president in November! ! 

This month's song of the month is “nervous breakdown” by Black Flag. If you were to look up damn fine American punk rock in a dictionary, it would have this song in the definition. So long and don't take any wooden nickels! 
 
 


advertisement
advertisement

.
News Reports
.
Day in Rock:
Slipknot's Corey Taylor Zings Nickelback Singer- KISS Stars Ace Frehley And Gene Simmons Collaborate On New Songs- Queen And Adam Lambert 'VR Are The Champions'- more

Page Too
Prince Estate In Legal Battle With Universal Music- Public Memorial For Mobb Deep Rapper Prodigy Today- Kendrick Lamar Releases 'Element' Video- Future And Chris Brown- more

Black Sabbath May Not Really Be Over Hints Iommi- Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page Receives Apology From Pop Star- Rush Stars Receive Unusual Hometown Honor- Tool- more

 Subscribe To Day in Rock

advertisement
.
 
Reviews
.

• Root 66: MandolinMan - Unfolding the Roots

• Messa - Belfry

• Root 66: Anthony Rosano and the Conqueroos

• Road Trip Missouri: Get Your Sips on Route 66

• Rock Reads: 45 RPM (Recollections Per Minute) The Morrell Archives Volume 3

• The Fatal Pursuit - Sinful

• Root 66: Evan Michaels - Ain't No Stopping This

• TBT Van Halen

• Root 66: Jeffrey Halford and the Healers - Lo-fi Dreams

• MesAlfie - Hey, Super

• On The Record: Five Alarm Funk - Sweat

• Remembering Gregg Allman - TBT 2007 Live Review

• MorleyView: Kelley Ryan

• Saint Motel - Arrival

• Edge of Free's Self-Titled Debut

• Little Steven - Soulfire

• BJ Wilbanks - Self-Titled

• TBT - Black Sabbath Rock Lollapalooza 2012

• Wild Iris - Wild Iris

• Bang! The Bert Berns Story

• Remembering Chris Cornell

• Lane Change - Rise


. .
.
Today's Rock News
. • Slipknot's Corey Taylor Zings Nickelback's Chad Kroeger

• KISS Stars Ace Frehley And Gene Simmons Collaborate On New Songs

• Queen And Adam Lambert Preview 'VR Are The Champions'

• Billy Idol and Steve Jones To Unplug At Johnny Ramone Tribute Event

• Black Sabbath Farewell Concert Film Hitting Theaters

• Chris Cornell's Widow Says She Missed Signs Of Addiction

• Michael Schenker Making Album With Former MSG Singers

• The Killers Release New Video For 'The Man'

• Arcade Fire Reveal Track Details For New Album 'Everything Now'

• Sammy Hagar In The Studio For Classic Albums Anniversaries

• Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers Kick Off Anniversary Tour Tonight

• Accept Release 'The Rise Of Chaos' Video

• Shelved Jan & Dean Album To Finally Be Released After 50 Years

• Tank Reveal Identity Of Their New Lead Singer

• RadioBlack Release 'Thread (I Am)' Music Video


Subscribe to Day in Rock Report by Email

.
.
Today's Page Too News
. • Prince Estate In Legal Battle With Universal Music

• Public Memorial For Mobb Deep Rapper Prodigy Today

• Kendrick Lamar Releases 'Element' Video

• Future And Chris Brown's PIE Video Goes Online

• DJ Khaled Recruits Nas and Travis Scott for 'It's Secured' Video

• Haim Television Performance Of New Single Goes Online

• Shakira Announces El Dorado World Tour

• Soul Man Sam Moore Fuels Warrior Games With New Anthem

• Calvin Harris 'Feels' Video With Katy Perry, Pharrell, Big Sean

• Desiigner And Gucci Mane Release New Track 'Life'

• Vince Staples And Damon Albarn Perform 'Love Can Be' On TV



More News

.
.
.
  .
.
 

Tell a Friend about this page - Contact Us - Privacy - antiMusic Email - Why we are antiMusic

Copyright© 1998 - 2016 Iconoclast Entertainment Group All rights reserved. antiMusic works on a free link policy for reprinting of our original articles, click here for details. Please click here for legal restrictions and terms of use applicable to this site. Use of this site signifies your agreement to the terms of use.