antiGUY had his Top 5 and everyone and their brother has a Top 10 but only Dolly Doppelganger can produce a Pop 9.  In true Dolly fashion, antiMusic's mother of invention and unconvention gives us her Pop 9 lists.  Warning to the gullable, Dolly has been known to make things up out of thin air so the only reality you may find in these lists are the ones between Dolly's ears. For the braindead and lawyers that means that what you are about the read may not be based in fact and is only the opinion or the imagination of Dolly Doppelganger. So with that let's get Dolly to pop off! 

This year, I sent helpful internet surveys to today's most relevant musicians, asking them what gifts they are buying their kids. Most of them said the old, boring rock star dad standbys: tattoos, piercings, and stints in rehab. But some dads showed a flair for the exotic, the interesting & the unique in their quest to educate & entertain the next generation. These are the gifts worthy of mention. In the hopes of helping today's global shoppers that read antiMusic & seek out my column for serious lifestyle advice, this one is my way of saying, Merry Christmas! Spend lotsa cash! 'Tis the season, after all!

1. Rapper Gotti said he was buying up, "Curious George joins the Mafia: a Kids Look at Organized Crime", for his 7 kids with 14 different mamas. In this charming tale, it's up to George to rescue the man in the yellow hat from vindictive lower echelon mob soldiers that order a hit on him for failure to pay on his gambling loans. As George's friend recovers in the hospital in a complete body cast, George has to go to work doing odd jobs for an aspiring crime family, in an attempt to earn the sympathy of the Don and spare the man's life. As children read of George running numbers, slapping prostitutes, laundering money, and disassembling & disposing of guns, they will learn of an organized crime family's hierarchy & inner workings, discovering how one goes from being a soldier to a Cappo over the course of a lifetime. George does such a great job that the man with the yellow hat is cleared of his debts, and he and George are able to go into hiding in the witness protection program in the happy ending to this fanciful story.  This is definitely at least a five star book, and can help certain daddies out there explain to their kids exactly what 'daddy does for a living' when this delicate question comes up in a respectful, sensitive and non threatening way. 

2. Pop diva A$$lee $imp$on is snapping up "Death Row Records Presents: Complete Cake Decorating Video Series". This 3 volume video set (available in DVD or VHS) features Snoop, Dre, all the boyz decorating cakes while they chizil with they homeys. Well worth the $119 price to see these bad dudes in blue frilly aprons flouncing around the kitchen, fussing over whether their frosting is stiff enough or not, and this uttered without irony or leering. Background music by Michael Bolton, who amazingly comes across as the most butch one on here. 

3. Newly sensitive dad M&M is buying his kid(s?) a new addition to the crowded 'paint by number' field, "Infectious Wounds & Oozing Pustule Paint by Number Set" Seems after a recent field trip Marshall accompanied his daughter on, they toured a local brewery, where M&M got the idea for an art set based on the colorful vomit of winos. Rose Art nixed that request, instead offering him this art set. Let's hope the kid likes it as much! I'm sure your kids will too.

4. Much mocked chanteuse Lindsay Lohan is giving kids in her life the 14 volume set of "The Wok of Death Publishing House's Encyclopedia of Cruel & Unusual Deaths: Decapitation through Gangrene". This set features obscure medical phenomena, and well documented unusual deaths, complete with full color photos, where to call for help index, and a checklist of symptoms, to make sure that one of these fatal symptoms/ maladies never strikes you or your loved ones. This gift could save a life, you never know! 

5-6. The Weezer guy that is in med school is buying his relatives & acquaintances a couple of noteworthy items great for the budding doctor in the family, first up is "Louie Pasteur's Rabid Animal's Diagnosis & Prevention Kit." This amazingly practical gift includes a live catch trap, syringes with the rabies vaccine. Sadly, the brain autopsy kit is sold separately, in another gift the Weezer guy is buying, "The Mouse N My House Autopsy Game", which includes a working mousetrap and actual surgical equipment capable of sawing through a wild animal's skull for either the 'Rabies Diagnosis" section of the Pasteur Kit or winning the Mouse game, as well as more benign soft tissue cutters for advancing in the Mouse Autopsy game.

7. Hillary Duff shows off her gritty side this Christmas with her purchase of 80 "Phlegm Labs" available through KB toys. In this real working lab, kids analyze human sputum, obtaining information as important as DNA and complete tasks as obscure as running tests for bubonic plague. This gift is sure to delight kids of all ages!

8. The Backdoor Boys this season are giving the gift of obsequent worship this year, purchasing slave children through G&M Importers, Inc. headquartered in Thailand or Indonesia, depending on which brand of child you select. These children are skilled pickpockets as well as being filthy, lice ridden flatterers. Convincing as they are at the task they are purchased for, their skill in petty crime ensures that this gift will pay for itself over the course of a lifetime. Shackles are recommended, (but sold separately) to ensure this child you are giving remains where you want them to at night or when company is over that is allergic to third world urchins. 

9. Britney Spears this year is layering her son, lil' Colin Justin Marc Antony Kay Fayed Madonna Demi Ashton Bubba Spears- Federline in togs from fashion newbie, Santina. Santina runs a shop so exclusive that he refuses to take phone calls from anyone making less than 48 million billion dollars a quarter. His designs are so sought after, that he had to get an unlisted address, catered to by a secret post office head quartered in an underground mansion, deep in the roots of the mountains of an undisclosed location. He alone has been able to successfully simulate spider silk for making clothing out of in his fashion line. This radical new material is so light you don't even feel yourself wearing it, so delicate, that only those with truly excellent vision & discernment of taste can even see the fabric itself. This is the stuff dreams are made of, I am assured. Santina insists that if anyone wants a sample, they should immediately mail P.Diddy $10, and he will, working through a secret courier under the cover of night in exclusive isolation & anonymity, mail you through an intermediary, a one square inch of cloth for you to inspect. This offer is extremely limited. The last time Santina offered this rare & outstanding bargain offer, he went temporarily mad when the frenzy of interested parties threatened to wipe out not only his entire North American supply of Santina Silk (his patented brand name) but the entire population of venom- free spiders he uses (in a PETA approved partnership, with PETA holding the controlling interest in the stock of his company & acting as a deranged rabid junkyard guard dog policing Santina's operation) were threatened with extinction as they died of exhaustion, one after another, in a futile attempt to keep up with demand. Midnight of the day before you read this, the offer is rescinded, if you would like to sample this fabulous material, send P.Diddy $10, TODAY!! This is the last time you will hear of it, from now on, you will only see it, as star after star bedecks him or herself in the finest high tech material known to man. 
 
 
 

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Why do I even bother reading anything by Dolly? You would think that I've learned by now.