Any movie critic can tell you what a newly released DVD is about & spoil the ending for you. I plan to ruin your entire DVD watching experience by highlighting it's flaws, it's missteps, it's examples of poor editing, casting, and point out the ridiculous holes in the plot. If you're cynical, you'll appreciate this valuable service I'm providing. If you're easily impressed, then don't say I didn't warn you.  - Mean Jean

GREAT special effects.

HORRIBLE science behind them, a better title for this would have been �Greenies (not you, GreenMuse) Make the Best Computer Animators�.

A brilliant, rogue scientist, the bane of those in authority (as if there were any other kind of scientist in movies) makes a prediction about the weather, which the vice president ignores because he looks like Dick Cheny & everyone knows Republicans are anti environment (as if moviemaking Greenies will ever make a movie featuring the out of control, rabid environmentalism that has resulted in federal microregulationist induced job, home and life loss.) Those on & in the right enjoy torturing rabbits to death that they encounter as they deforest the planet, displace the precious wildlife in Alaskan refuges & strip mine the 48 contiguous states, and theese are facts!

Anyway, he alone stumbles upon the secrets of the universe that will help him force those evil republicans to repent of their nefarious hatred for Mother Earth, but not until the President DIES, BWAHAHAHA!!!  (Sorry, I just had to ruin that part of the movie for the liberals, who already know & probably have the dialogue for that part of the movie all typed out & ready to be included this year�s Christmas, I mean end of the year newsletter.)

So anyway, this stock movie character cliché scientist naturally has a kid so brilliant that he has his own nerd posse to follow him around & hang on his every word. And even though the dad is so brilliant & right about the weather, fresh from a briefing about how the earth is going to turn into an ice world, he lets the kid go to a Geekathon up north. For geeks, these kids are movie star photogenic, obviously, none of them look like Napoleon Dynamite, none of them are overweight with have thick coke bottle glasses from all that reading & faces that look like pepperoni pizzas. If their school had chess club meetings that were constantly in danger of being infiltrated by �America�s Top Model� modeling tryouts, no one on the staff would be surprised, but back to the contrived plot twists.

So this kid, Brilliant Joe Jr, I�ll call him, ends up stuck up north in Geeksville, where the Brainiacs are not only brilliant & beautiful, but they are extremely well funded. They hear the crazy weather reports urging them to seek higher ground, so they logically leave Brilliant Rich Joe�s penthouse apartment to go hole up at the library. In a never before attempted in a movie moment, the beautiful geek, Brilliant Joan ends up getting hurt, as if such obtaining such an injury in this manner were even physically plausible. Watch that moment in this movie, AntiKids & please explain it to me, I just didn�t get it!

Meanwhile, out of all the animals in the zoo, somehow the wolves escape.  Look for them at the least surprising moment, don�t look for an explanation of how they survived the storm which is killing everyone with the misfortune to be out in it, just scream at the appropriate moment & the producers will send you a gratuity payment of $20! Now I have never set foot in a New York zoo, but my word, I�ve seen sturdier fencing for chickens! If this is how New York City keeps dangerous animals confined, I think you New Yawkers need to vote to abolish this attractive nuisance before bears & bulls invade Wall Street for real!

As soon as the northern portions of the US are deemed uninhabitable, Brilliant Joe Jr�s daddy has to jump on the roller coaster thrillride© looking for him turns out to be, apparently fearing that such a brilliant, obedient son is too stoopid to follow orders & stay alive in spite of his previous experience in the frigid climes of Greenland. Or maybe the director just thought the movie would move along better if there was the dual struggle of stupid/brilliant man against the elements paralleling the struggle of brilliant/beautiful teen boys against their hormones & hackneyed script writing.

I won�t tell you about the even faker ending, I�ll only say that all of life�s major catastrophes CAN be wrapped up in a two hour long movie with time to spare. An ending this ridiculous made me wish they had hired Nietzsche posthumously as a co writer, he could have injected some much needed tragedy & a more realistic ending. Or, if the reason for this fake ice age had been aliens from outer space shot off a chunk of the sun or some reason not as taxing on the brain as the junk science that went into this flick.

Now let me tell you about so called �Global Warming�. First of all, whining about fossil fuels polluting the air so much & increasing the carbon dioxide concentration is stupid. This makes for a warmer earth-the ice caps would melt & an ice age would be the opposite result. How could an ice age result from conditions warm enough to melt Antarctica?  how stupid does Hollywood think the average movie going guy is?

Second, if this fake made for movie ice age resulted from a decrease in ocean salinity, where were the Morton trucks, ordered by the Feds in the interest of national safety to dump salt into the sea? Problem solved, salty oceans & the stock prices for salt would jump from dollars to thousands of dollars, instantly creating another breed of new rich socialites, a whole new crop of Paris Hilton- vapid girlies to run around like idiots taking New York by a different kind of storm.

But back to bad science. Although New York becoming a desert & northern Canada becoming a tropical wasteland doesn�t make for as exciting a visual backdrop, if such a thing ever occurred, this would be the reality. My little house in the middle of nowhere would enjoy warmth year around, but alas, it isn�t to be.

If you watch this movie (which you should check out at the library, of course, or watch it at a friend�s house) on �mute� on the cool, NY flooding & icing over parts & while you play music, you�ll get a great deal more out of this movie than I did.

MJ sez, this movie SUCKED!! (But with good special effects)
 

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