Isn't it time for Britney to fall off the map? I don't get off on doing this, so don't point the finger at me for pointing it out to those who need showing... Consider me a mirror.  But WHAT IS BRITNEY thinking?  Nick and Jessica worked, yes, because no one had heard of either outside of the boyband arena before.  Even the reality show about Ashley, Jessica's sister, worked because it piggy-backed her sister.  There's something really sad, however, when shows like "The Surreal Life" make FLAVOR-FLAV and Bridget Neilsen a celebrity couple, and even provide them with THEIR own reality show!!!!!  When does it stop?  When do Americans get interested enough in their own lives and their own home videos to not have to feed off those of has-been celebrities who have NO BUSINESS being on television- especially in the case of Sly's ex, YUCK!  I don't know what happened between Rocky IV and now, maybe Bridget let Ivan Drago use her as a sparring partner?  But, man-oh-man, there's just things they DO NOT need to show on television.  Many of these reality shows are like articles in the National Enquirer come to life, and the same basic premise exists for both: they only exist because we let them- PERIOD!
 
Now, after we've cycled through all of the aforementioned, and the downward cycle is almost complete, we get BRITNEY & KEVIN!  And on UPN no less!  May I first ask one VERY important and relevant question: do you really believe anyone who was listening to Britney Spears back in 1999 is still listening to her now?  NOPE.  Those girls are all teenagers with cars, and I promise you- based on the sales of Britney's Greatest Hits record, which BARELY went platinum, her core fan base has moved on.  So, now the dissection begins class:  for our first incision, we examine the current state of her career: IN THE TOILET.  So it fits within the general context of the stars of the Surreal Life I suppose, but works in reverse of something like Nick and Jessica because they were launching their careers with a reality show, not ending or trying to revive it.  Further, who is this KEVIN dude?  Who cares about KEVIN?  No one but Britney, I would argue, and that worked well for all of us when it looked like she was giving up her already floundering career to start a family.  Great!  Super!  "You Go Girl!"  But now, of course, in an attempt to cash in on one last pathetic second in the spotlight- and on UPN no less (I still can't get over the fact that she couldn't land a better network, VH1 would have been more respectable... s*** even the WB!), we can finally conclude that BRITNEY SPEARS IS A HAS BEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I love to say that, LOVE IT, because I have been waiting and waiting and waiting, for years upon years upon years, to be able to safely proclaim the terror over!  And it just might finally be.
 
For those of you who come here routinely and post about bands trying to make one last attempt to cash in before retirement as though its something pathetic- even supposing its true for Motley Crue, for Nikki Sixx, at 46 with 5 kids to feed, that's actually okay.  It makes sense, and frankly, for anyone at that point in their careers, who have lasted 25 years, its pretty respectable, especially given the sales their tour and latest Greatest hits collection is doing.  It ACTUALLY went platinum!  Britney on the other hand, is a more appropriate target for your attacks in the aforementioned criticism!  With her reality show, she is CLEARLY and IRREFUTABLY trying to cash in one last time before her bubble bursts completely, but oddly enough, SHE'S DOING IT AT 23!!!  And exactly what reality is she trying to capture and clarify with this show?  That she's washed up?  No one cares about her romance, really, and for all the wining she does about her privacy being invaded, it seems an awful lot like she's spreading her legs and her shades for the camera here- ONE MORE TIME!  I think that's a line from one of her hits.  I only know it because when I was a prisoner in the hell of her career highlight, strapped into the pop torture chair at the local barber shop like some kind of underground interrogation center, I was forced to listen repeatedly to that crap on the radio, like some kind of noise-torture technique they use to get information from spies on �24'.  
 
Britney has tried it all: acting- HELL NO; the lesbo thing when she kissed Madonna, it worked in the moment, but she has none of whatever Madonna has that has kept her around for the past 25 years.  She got married for 55 hours, and made some red neck from her backwoods Louisiana hometown rich, good for him, but it only made her look like a MORON!  What else?  She covered a Bobby Brown song on her "Greatest Hits" album, which no one bought- because she's not Bobby Brown!  Bobby Brown is actually controversial, otherwise he wouldn't have stayed in the headlines all these years.  And he can actually sing.  And a reality show on his and Whitney's life might actually be interesting!  You know why, BECAUSE HE'S MARRIED TO WHITNEY HOUSTON!!!   Britney's married to a nobody, and therein, NOBODY CARES!!!!  Give UPN's huge share of the TV viewing demographic, hopefully Britney's show will tank quickly, and they can run Moesha re-runs instead.  Its not that we want to be hard on these personalities: but truthfully, she's acting like the one in the relationship who was dumped and can't let go...  She's made $110 Million, Jesus, she's only 23, and just this week announced to the press that she was pregnant!  Congradulations!  So go on, retire, start your family, hide from the prying eye of the Paparazzi you complain so routinely about, cancel this sad and pathetic reality show thing, and don't add further insult to injury.  Because the truth be told: no one really cares anymore.  To quote my boys in the Crue, Britney, Don't Go Away MAD, JUST GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 

Shameless Plug: In June, yours truly will have 4 new books out on the market: "Dust N' Bones: The Untold Story of Izzy Stradlin", which is now available for pre-order, and which I have been shamelessly plugging all spring, along with 3 other titles from the same publisher, Amber Books- "Jay Z and the Roc-A-Fella Dynasty", "50 Cent: No Holds Barred", and "Tupac in the Studio."

About the author: Jake Brown is owner/operator of Nashville-based Versailles Records and a biographer who has published several books. Click here to more details.