In accordance with federal legislation
prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle
to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary
to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your
new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity
that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what
to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly
Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the
time, just like me!
As always the views expressed
by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the
iconoclast entertainment group .
J.Lo's Sinister Plan
The wisdom of the dolly mama: J. Lo sez
"My plan to eliminate competition from pop tards by impregnation is working!"
A Dolly Doppelganger exclusive report!
Britney quitting pop music for her future
kids is GREAT for 2 reasons: 1. It's best for her kids. 2. No more Britney
'music'! But is such a benevolent gesture really the result of benevolence
on Britney's part? Or is there a more sinister force at work here behind
the scenes? I examined this question on my recent trip out west to track
down leads.
On this recent adventure, I discovered
an internal memo in the garbage can I was rummaging through from Jennifer
Lopez to her husband Marc Antony, the Roman general, politician & former
husband of Cleopatra.
When I knocked on her door to inform her
that her 'husband' had committed suicide in 30 BC, I was invited in by
her houseboy, who assumed I was there to apply for the position of J. Lo's
personal medical secretary (PMS), since I'd expressed concern for her mental
state. The job interview went so well that she hired me on the spot, I
think. (What else could it mean when someone stares off into the distance
muttering the flavors of Eggo waffles at the conclusion of the interview?)
Oh well, I declined the job anyway. In my opinion, someone as hugely talented
as J. Lo needs to hire someone of a better caliber than me to mop up after
her 64 Chihuahuas. I suggested she hire the two guys who work in Las Vegas,
with the one guy that got eaten by a tiger, I just betcha they are seeking
safe employment elsewhere!
Well anyway, under the pretense of interviewing
for this job, I got to do some interviewing about this memo. What follows
is the actual transcript, the best I remember. I wasn't allowed to take
any notes, or record her without first paying a royalty fee, which I refused
to do, as I hadn't yet rummaged through enough trashcans to find sufficient
quantities of aluminum to pay for my ramen lunch. Onto the interview!
Me: Why do you think you are married to
Marc Antony?
Her: Because I am! I'll sing you his song-
Me: (interrupting to prevent severe ear
& tire damage) Are you aware that he died in 30 BC?
Her: No he didn't! You lie! Where's 30
BC, anyway? Is that some address in Canada?
Me: Yeah, that's it. What's this memo mean,
anyway?
Her: I don't know, read it to me! You're
the one wanting to be my PMS, let's see how ya do!
Me: (reading memo) Dear Marc, Cleopatra
is a skanky ho, why don't you leave her & come to my house? I have
a plan for global domination- forget Rome; I'm talking about
RULING THE WORLD!!
All we need to do is systematically pick
off our biggest threats musically, Britney, Mariah, Paris, Lindsay, etc.
& take over their positions!
You figure out what to do with those other
chicks, I'm taking Britney down! I'm going to infiltrate her dancers &
plant a fertile southern mole in them that'll sweep her off her feet with
his promises of fried raccoon on a stick, going on midnight dates to the
sales at Wal Mart, and the irresistible to southern girls lure of cars
on blocks out in the yard & refrigerators on the porch. She'll fall
madly in love with him, marry him, then when the lil' ol? stork is ready
to come, his months of wearing away her resolve talking about untrustworthy
Yankees like Michael Jackson & kids in the media that have drowned
or been kidnapped, she'll quit her career to stay home & raise the
13 grimy kids with runny noses & bib overalls they plan to have. Clear
out the possum patch! Make way for me!!
Her: (Struggling to pull glasses that looked
like they were missing the big rubber nose & black fuzzy eyebrows out
of her pocket) Hey, I don't remember writing that! (Carefully sounding
out words)
What's Dee- air mean? Who is Marcie? Why
are there so many letters in that word that starts with a C? What is the
meaning of this?
She nailed me with a look so fierce I feared
that my eyebrows might spontaneously burst into flames. For the first time,
I was afraid. I nervously edged toward the door, when suddenly, J. Lo burst
out laughing.
Her: Oh, yeah! My old PMS wrote this! I
always wondered what it said! Thanks! (Then came the mumbling about Eggo
flavors)
I tried to get her to explain to me how
this scheme would help her album sales, and she tried to explain the concept
of a monopoly, a popopoly, if you will. But she kept losing me every time
she'd mention Baltic, Boardwalk & the little dog.
So there ya have it, antiFANS. This is
the real reason Britney is retiring. Rather than condemning J. Lo, I suggest
we all write her a letter of thanks, and maybe we all could pitch in to
buy her the Phonics Game. Maybe if she gets busy learning to read, the
world of pop could become one gigantic void.
Hey, wait a minute! The pop world already
was a vast chasm of emptiness; don't forget to tell J. Lo that great news
in your thank you letter!
Seriously, Brit, you are making the RIGHT
decision to be a full time stay at home mom & I hope it lasts at least
18 years!
(Special note to the mentally challenged,
what you just read was satire. So don't get all hissy and call out 50 Cent
to bust a cap in Dolly's ass. It's a joke)
Posted by RyRy:
Lithium is right. In the great words of Fugazi "never mind whats been sellin, it's what you're BUYIN!".
Oh Butch is right too. That is a great band name. I wanna play the bongos.
Posted by BUTCH:
ijits. thats a great name for a band.
Posted by LB:
And yes, this is an INTENTIONAL double posting, so deal. The real point is - shouldn't we stop whining on here about how all this turd-worthy music is getting foisted upon us by corporate tools in nice suits with fat wallets and no taste in music? How about we rail against the real culprits - the tools who buy this ish! If you see someone walking down the street tomorrow listening to Britney or J Lo or whatever, please drive onto the sidewalk and take them out at 50 MPH. If they're walking along on campus, just whip it out and piss on them (if you're a girl, substitue a nice and wicked slap across the face). The arsehats that perpetrate this weak and mindless music upon the world won't stop as long as there are silly worthless people who purchase the crapola. Maybe it's time to just call in the airstrike.
Posted by LithiumBliss:
I would rip on this J Lo ho, but I honestly can't tell the difference between a "song" by her - or britney, or Kelly, or jessica, or Christina, or any of these hack broads. I think that Dirk guy that used to be a P.I. around here should investigate and uncover the real truth. All these girl singer MTV hit video smash songs are secretly recorded with an anonymous 300-pound black girl doing all the vocals. And before you try to rail at me about racism and ish, oh no, it's a compliment - real fat black chicks can sing their asses off. But sadly, no one wants to see them on the MTV, so they manufacture little bleach blonde ijits like Britney to lip sing in the vids. I hope this fatty is as least getting paid for her time and effort - no, scratch that, I hope she chokes on a chicken wing like Mama Cass did. how could MTV pump out their worthless crap without the secret singer that provides the vocals?
Posted by dolly:
Dead: Whew!
CIAM: J. Lo is the most talented force in nature.
Marcvs: I tried to tell her she wasn't married to you, she wouldn't listen! Send the lictors to her house. (Course, she'll probably file for divorce & marry them one by one over the course of 6 months.)
Posted by Marcvs Antonivs:
I resent the vile implication of being paired with such deplorable trollop, and I resent this completely distasteful and appalling column. It is a complete burlesque. Expect a home visit from lictors soon.
Posted by Mark:
...
Posted by Caught in a Mosh:
It makes perfect sense! I must found out more about this "J. Lo"
Posted by DeadSun:
Damn--- I tried to send a shout out to Fiddy Cent, to... what's it called? How do you say it? "Buss'a cap up in Dolly'z grille yo?" Sadly, I had misplaced my English to Ebonics translation guide, and I wound up accidentally ordering a pair of 22' custom rims, at $6,500.00 each.
