Reading the following may steal moments from your life that would be more wisely used to create something of your own. With that in mind, feel free to use this column as a means to waste away a good portion of the 30,000 or so days you are allotted to create your legacy.

There is an unwritten rule in my town that reads as follows: 

"All bars within driving range of Mathew Schnake's house must hereby suck rhinoceros c**k." 
 
Last night I entered the ONE bar that used to be the exception to that rule. Well, those days are about as gone as my liver. Wanna be "playas", wanna be "hoes", and every possible mutation of the grey area in between had peed their territorial markings here, and there seemed to be no end in sight. And allow me to clarify here: A wanna be ho would be someone with all the moral fiber of a ho (or lack thereof), but sadly, is far too nasty and rank to actually attract a member of the male populace. A question immediately weaseled its way into my chronically judgmental head: 

Do people ever go out anymore for any reason other than to find ass?

I mean, every guy in there had that look in his eye... the orgiastic craving of a would be date rapist, someone who would probably screw the leftover hamburger meat in his fridge if, God forbid, he had to go home ALONE that night.

Don't get me wrong, I like sex as much...no scratch that.. TEN TIMES as much as the next guy. The difference is, I'm not willing to stretch my neck out in order to make myself look like a complete choad in the process of "getting it".

Now, I'm not usually one to bitch, (that should weed out those who really know me from those who don't, right off the bat), but recently I've been feeling very lonely. Not lonely as in needing a mate lonely, (because my girlfriend has me lock, stock and barrel), but lonely as in "Gee, out of ALL the people I know, I only feel as if I can carry on a truly insightful, memorable conversation with, maybe 5 or 6 people. That's truly a sad realization to come to, yo.

But, think about it. My life would be so much easier if I could feel as if I could just go to say, a show....and just meet people and not be counting how many times they say "dude" or "bro", and if I could justify the fact that their taste in music is a hair's width away from being the virtual track listing for an MTV Real World soundtrack....god, I'm so condescending!

Seriously, while I'm on the subject of music, I actually wish I COULD be happy with just listening to the radio..I remember when I was around 12 13, and it was great to listen to the radio. And I'd like to have a constant source of new stuff to listen to. The only problem is that 99.999999% of the "new stuff" is the musical equivalent of a miscarriage. OK, I lied. You should add ONE MORE 9 to that percentage, to make up for this new band I heard last night. What a worthless pile of worthless.

But, my greatest fear is turning into the old guy who yells at the "kids" about how music nowadays is a bunch of rubbish, and the only REAL music is his old tunes that he used to "cut a rug to", and dammit, YOU KIDS GET OUT OF MY YARD!

So,  I've managed to formulate a justification for this. The reason a guy ten years older than me would've hated some of the music I was listening to in my youth is because some of it is threatening. Dissonant. And above all, CONFUSING to older folks, because it wasn't what they were used to. And therein lies the reason most new music sucks. Because IT IS what I'm used to. It's all stuff that's been done before. It's as UNthreatening as a dull spoon.

Look, I'm getting old. I should be hating you kids' music because it's noisy and I don't understand it. I'm absolutely FURIOUS at these people for making me not feel confused and threatened.

Your new stuff should have me whimpering in a corner, clutching myself and pining away for the "good old days" of the peaceful, melodic sounds of The Stooges or Merzbow. Instead, you pacify yourselves with music that even my MOM could tolerate.

I point my open rectum squarely in the direction of Linkin Park, Hoobastank, Evanescence and all other "revolutionary martyrs" who have the sheer mass of balls it takes to push the musical envelope. If only I had the means to scatter your teeth across the stage at the MTV awards.

I'm starting to see a common thread to this column, and that is: I start with one subject... drift off... then I try (usually with no luck) to wrap it up and make it seem like I had at least a single ounce of focus. So here it is: The bar I walked into (and quickly walked out of) used to be a place that you could meet your friends at, have a couple of drinks, and overall, avoid the 'club-esque' scene of heathens, fornicators, and bad check writers. Now, it's become the same old, same old. Oh, and on a mostly unrelated note, new music blows.

I think from now on, I'll invite my friends over and just get drunk while playing my Atari.
 
 
 

Your turn. What do you think?

Fan Speak:


Posted by Escombo:
And Shnake, wasn't it "I love the nightlife, I'VE GOT to boogie"? I'm not sure, but I think that's how it went...