This being my first column for a website that I actually frequent and respect, I figured I’d spend an inordinate amount of time, effort, and wasted minutes into ensuring that my first column would cover a topic that I feel passionate about, or as close to passion as a soulless drone like myself can hope to aspire.  This hope reached its fullest fruition in the current boom of those vile lower-back tattoos that hover just above the waistline and which are now the predominant “must-have” accessory to any 20 to 30 year old female’s quest to push the envelope.  These things are the absolute nadir of Orwellian submission to the herd, and they must be stopped.
 
 I first noticed how out of hand the situation had become in class the other day, during a test that I had nearly completed.  As I finished having my way with this easiest of all tests by smacking it on what would be it’s bottom were it not made of paper, I looked around at my peers.  An absolute sea of the flimsiest incompetence lay before me, miscreant human obstacles that could only “pass” this test by eating it beforehand.  Since I usually sit in the back of the class, I was stunned to notice that out of a class that contained about twenty women, I could see eight or nine of these lower back abominations. At those were  just the ones in my direct line of sight, I wasn’t going to stand up and stare at an area on every female in class that might lead people to assume that I’m conducting some kind of butt survey. 
 
The results were astounding!  I’m no statistician, but I can safely say that when almost half of the women in a given room have one thing as tragically similar as this, we have a new fad on our hands.  However, this new trend (and sorry, ladies...that’s what it is, unless you have the first one and we know that you don’t) is a bit of an anomaly in the history of trends, in that it is the first one that can’t be discarded when the trend becomes too mainstream, since it’s permanently inked onto your body. 

Let me put it another way...remember when you realized that your mullet was not quite as handsome/sexy as you thought it was a year earlier?  And what did you do?  Got a new haircut, and burned all photographed evidence.  Easy.  I’m sure you don’t listen to the same music you did when you were ten.  So, you threw away your Marky Mark tape and traded it in for...whatever.  See where I’m going?  But once these ladies realize that they have the tattoo equivalent of Jordache jeans, sorry...did the guy at the tattoo shop mention the “permanence clause”?
 
But that’s irrelevant, since nearly all women who have these things are the type of people who actually buy into the concept that this is a show of individualism.  This, in spite of the fact that roughly 98% of them fall into three categories:
 

• (1) Tribal markings- even though she lives in a suburb or apartment, and wouldn’t go anywhere near anything called a “village” or “tribe” to save her life.
• (2) Asian, or any other mystic, arcane language- even though they know no other words in said language except the one they had translated for the purpose of the tattoo.
• (3) Butterflies- I don’t believe a discourse on this one is necessary.

Your turn. What do you think?

Fan Speak:


Posted by SCHNAKE:
There's no "I" in "awesome", either.