From: The Powers That Be / Madison
Ave., New York, NY
To: Record Companies
Subject: Increase "Rock" Sales
in 2002
Date: 12-1-01
The results are in from exhaustive market
research and focus groups, and we are recommending the following for the
marketing year 2002 season:
1: Avoid signing bands with an original
sound at all costs! Instead find as many “clone” bands as possible, as
they already have a built in fan base. Look to the example set by Road
Runner Records of how to do this successfully.
2: If you have an artist who is
failing to catch on, ask Fred Durst to do a live duet with them and then
release it as a single. While Mr. Durst is only marginally talented at
best for some reasons kids will buy anything he is involved with.
3: The addition of rap to rock songs
has paid off in the past but the trend now appears to be dying. We advise
dropping these artists from your roster or giving their vocalist singing
lessons.
4: Find more pop-rock groups and
market them as punk, this have proven to be an invaluable method in the
past couple of years. The average TRL viewer is too young to know the difference
between real punk and pop-rock.
5: The more piercings and tattoos
the musicians have the better. We have found in our research that tattooed
and pierced “rock” groups outsell non pierced and tattooed “rock” performers
5 to 1, when taking the TRL demographic into account groups that show off
their piercings and tattooes in their videos outsell non pierced and tattooed
groups 50 to 1!
6: License, License, License. Licensing
has turned into one of the most lucrative business models for rock. Not
only does this get the music out to the public, it also brings in vast
amounts of royalties because of increased CD sales. Rock classics are a
great tool for licensing. Every company wants to use an identifiable song
in their television and radio commercials. Even if the song has nothing
to do with the product, just the use of the song helps sell the product
and more CD’s! It’s a win win! Whenever possible exploit Marvin Gaye’s
catalog of songs; aside from Moby, Marvin’s songs have proven to be one
of the best tools for marketing products along with the Beatles. Other
classics from the 60’s and 70’s are equally as powerful, we have found
that it brings up a nostalgia factor with baby-boomers, a group of buyers
that will buy practically anything if it is marketed to them correctly.
We have also uncovered another gem in the licensing game. Aside from television
commercials, the Television Networks are now licensing “current” popular
rock songs to promote their new Fall television programs.
7: Before introducing new acts be
sure that the group’s name includes a name-number combination. In our research
we were not been able to track down why this is effective but new bands
with a name-number title tend to enjoy fifteen times the success than non
name-number groups. We still can’t tell you why, but this tactic works!
8: If you have any aging artists
on your roster that are failing to sell their newer material in great numbers
the most effective way to reestablish interest in them is to have them
participate in a charity event. Televised Charity concerts are the most
ideal. This is most effective if the artist is seen to be the main
organizer of the event, but participation alone has shown to be a great
vehicle for boosting sagging sales and getting the artist back into the
spotlight.
9: Make sure that your artists include
at least one obscenity on their CD’s, this insures that the CD will need
a “Parental Advisory Sticker”. Our research has shown that suburban
teen males under the age of 15 are less likely to purchase rock CD’s without
a warning label. An offensive album title can also help generate sales.
10: Tours. It has proven more lucrative
to package 4 or 5 bands together in a tour with a catchy name, then to
send the bands out on their own. We have found that very few current recording
artists touring as headliners with only one supporting act can sell the
number of tickets required to fill most major venues. By packaging 4 or
5 groups together you can sell more tickets at a much higher price. It
is also advisable to sign up a corporate sponsor for such tours, this helps
offset the cost of touring which translates to higher profit margins.
11: Again from our last memo, we
are strongly recommending the following. The Limp Bizkit's fanbase has
matured beyond the groups current trend focus; therefore they need to attract
a younger audience. Have Fred Durst replace the departed Wes Borland
with Barney the Dinosaur or Carrot Top (don't worry they can learn all
the limp bizkit songs in under an hour). Suggested titles for the new CD:
"Big Head-Red Hat and the Kneepad Brigade", "Rugburn: aka a night out with
Fred" or "Twinkle Toes Goes to Hollywood". Fred Durst solo song titles:
"Me, Myself and I", "I would love you more if you were me", "Mirror Mirror
on the Wall/ Whose the Dopest of Them All", "I'm Not Conceited, I'm Convinced",
"Is it in yet?", "13 minutes and counting" and "I mean the world to me"
.
12: We have found that the best
way to “break” a new artist is for them to release an inferior cover of
an 80’s pop hit. This tactic worked for Marilyn Manson (Sweet Dreams are
Made of This), Limp Bizkit (Faith) and more recently Alien Ant Farm (Smooth
Criminal). We recommend the following: a punk-pop cover of Tony Basil’s
“Mickey”, a nu-metal cover of Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt
Me” and a industrial-metal cover of Men Without Hats’ “Safety Dance”.
Conclusion: The safest marketing
scheme for “rock” music is to continue the proven “Follow The Leader” approach.
Our research has shown that attempting to market new and interesting music
to young teens is a gamble; you will enjoy much higher sales by flooding
the markets with groups that copy the current best selling bands. You do
however run the risk of over saturating the market, but when the current
trends die out you only need to drop the old “clone” groups and sign new
bands that clone the sound of the next wave of popular rock music groups.
We recommend the preceding 12 points of action to continue the successful
marketing of your “rock” products. The current market conditions do not
warrant any radical new approaches, the old tried and true tactics discussed
above are still the most effective ways to sell your “rock” music products.
The Powers That Be
Disclaimer: To Lawyers and
or those with a room temperature IQ. What you just read is not a real memo,
it is a parody. While parody always has an element of truth to it, what
you just read is not presented as fact, it is simply a parody of the mindset
that apparently runs rampant within the music industry. Real recording
artists names were used for dramatic effect and to illustrate a point,
antiMUSIC is in no way claiming that the actions and/or suggestions presented
in regards to these artists are fact, they are the creation of the warped
mind of the author. So to reiterate to the room temperature IQ’d or lawyers
who read this, is a joke, it isn’t true and the tooth fairy or the easter
bunny don’t exist either. (yes some lawyers have room temperature IQ’s
so they need to read this disclaimer twice). Have a nice day - aG
FAN
SPEAK: Agree or Disagree? Where do you stand? What marketing gimmick would
you suggest?
Fan
Speak:
Posted by A TRL
PUNK: I DONT CARE
Posted by
Mr Soulman: Well said AntiGuy!!!
Posted by
CrazyKing: Slipknot sucks... I dunno how people can
like such junk...
Posted by
grr...: theRog...grrr! why don't you stop being
such a boil on the butt of society? no one said starting a band was easy.
shush your mouth-you stupid kid.
Posted by
Stalin: Hey all you goddamn people need to get
off the internet, stop worrying about if pop music is too powerful and
find something else more productive with your time. We all know pop music
is terrible, ranting and raiving over it only helps their cause more. I
say just shut the hell up, do what pleases you, and get your work done.
Posted by
TheRog: If you've got it all figured out why don't
you start a band and make some money?(if it's that easy)
Posted by
SMIC: As yet nobody has picked up on my suggestion
of a Britney Vs Christina kickboxing video game. Nice AG Madison Ave seems
to be sticking to your suggetsions.
Posted by
Bård Faust: Roadrunner is merely a shadow of a shadow
of its former self. The only good bands on that label are Mercyful Fate
and King Diamond, but they aren't marketed very heavily because they don't
say "fück" in every other breath and their music is, shock of all
shocks, real music. Obituary, Deicide, and Sepultura were all good for
a time (see Slowly We Rot, Deicide, and Morbid Visions, respectively) but
I've lost all respect for those bands because they pander to an image of
consumerdom. I really don't pay much attention to mainstream music anymore
(like Slipknot) and I frankly don't care about who sells how many albums.
Most of the bands I like are from Europe, and if anybody is feeling disillusioned
with American "metal," then I suggest giving Scandinavia a listen.
Posted by
CrazyBumFungus: RR really sux. Most of the Century Media
bands kick ass, though. Check em out. I personally prefer Iced Earth. good
god, stoopid stoopid gurl gives 14-year old girls like me a bad name. grrr.
it makes me mad. That was a funny article.
Posted by A Hott
Hott Gurl: whay the f*ck was all that about? Its
just a bunch of bullsh*t that the web designers came up with to make more
cash and take up space
Thank you stoopid stoopid gurl (have to
spell like her) I was thinking of you when I mentioned room temperature
IQ’s in the disclaimer. Run along back to MTV.com now,(the people who are
really into making cash and taking up space) this is obviously above your
head.