Kelly Osbourne’s Sick Excuse

08-12-03 Keavin
We’ve had complaints about the lack of Kelly Osbourne news, so here you go: 

We have good news for our readers from the U.K., Kelly Osbourne has called off her assault of England. Kelly’s handlers issued a vague statement announcing that the rest of her European tour had been canceled. “This is due to health reasons. Many apologies to all concerned," reads the statement. 

Due to the vague nature of the statement the rumor mill has been churning at full speed. One rumor has it that the “health reasons” have nothing to do with Ms. Osbourne but rather the audience. It seems that her singing may have the tendency to make people sick. 

antiMUSIC attempted to contact the World Health Organization for confirmation of the rumor that health care professionals in the U.K. were concerned that the illness suffered by those who listen to Kelly’s singing (a.k.a. Belly Disease) was a major concern and that some view it as the biggest health threat to civilized society since the SARS outbreak. Unfortunately, the WHO hung up before answering our questions.* 

Another rumor making the rounds is that the cancellation has nothing to do with “health reason”, instead the promoters pulled the plug due to slow ticket sales. Again antiMUSIC attempted to track down the English promoters to confirm that the only tickets sold were to a pair of blind, deaf-mute twins. We were unsuccessful in confirming that rumor.*

In related news, Kelly’s father has been awarded a Platinum album award for his 2001 release “Down To Earth”. Ozzy left his long time label Epic Records earlier this year. Some say that it was because the label had dropped daughter Kelly from their roster following dismal sales of her debut album. The spin from the Osbourne camp is that Kelly and Ozzy asked to leave the label after label President Tommy Mottola left the company. Although we have yet to receive a press release that Mottola has signed either Kelly or Ozzy to the newly resurrected Casablanca Records, which he is spearheading. 

There was a report by one publication that Sharon Osbourne is attempting to sign Kelly and Ozzy in a package deal to perspective labels. In other words, if you want Ozzy, you have to take Kelly. “She believes she can offer the pair in a special package deal and their level of fame in the U.S. is about as high as it gets," The Daily Star quoted an insider as saying in their report last May.

Ozzy is currently headlining this summer’s SharonFest, a.k.a. Ozzfest. 
*Disclaimer for lawyers and lazy journalists: Because of the nature of publications that choose to rerun stories without verification and to sue happy lawyers, some of the proceeding article was in fact humor. Primarily the parts that contain the phrase “rumor” in whole or part. Kelly did cancel the her remaining scheduled U.K. dates and her publicist did attribute it to “heath reasons”. Ozzy and Kelly are no longer signed to Epic. US Weekly reported Kelly was dropped from the label and later the Osbourne press people spun the story that Kelly (and Ozzy) was pulled because of the departure of Mottola. Also, with the exception of Missy Elliot, “blah, blah, blah,” are not considered real lyrics for any performer over the age of 8. 

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