Mariah Marrying Some Rapper We Never Heard Of

(Hecklerspray) Listen, we're going to tell you this, but you absolutely mustn't care about it. If you do, we'll find you and attack you. OK, ready? Mariah Carey's got engaged. Ta-daaaaah! Do you care? No, no you don't - and that's the way it should be. But wait, what if we tell you that Mariah Carey has got engaged to Nick Cannon? Do you care now? No, of course you don't, because you don't know who Nick Cannon is. Nobody does.

So what about this - Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have known each other for less than two months, which means the chances of this ending in a way that's messy and embarrassing for all is sky-high? Yeah, now you care. Doesn't matter. We're still coming to beat you up.

So what girl wouldn't want to go through all that again, and with a guy she's only just met? Mariah Carey sure would, because she's apparently got engaged to Nick Cannon, a rapper who got his name because one of his hobbies involves putting ball bearings up his bum and farting them out at pirate ships.[Update: Reuters is now reporting that the two married last week "in a secret ceremony in front of family and friends at Carey's house in Eleuthera"]
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