Britney’s getting married.  It’s starting to sink in.

What the hell am I gonna do now?  What will become of me?  Whatever will I do, where ever shall I go?  

I thought I had a shot with this chick, too.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding?  I can’t possibly be that deranged.  Who would want to subject themselves to that Jerry Springer marathon?

But let’s just suppose I did… (Insert dream sequence here.)

I can see it now: I wake up late (‘cause she’s got the cash) and roll over to find my young wife sprawled across the bed, sunlight playing across the bluebirds tying ribbons in her hair.

I smile a self-satisfied smile (‘cause she’s got the cash) and hoist myself out of bed.  I make my way down to the kitchen and whip up some French toast for my lil’ honey.  I toss a few slabs onto a plate, heat up a little java and some O.J., and head back up to the love nest.

I gently wake her with the sweet aroma of maple syrup and her eyelids flutter open.  A smile creeps across her face.

“I love you, pookie-bear,” she says in a husky bedroom whisper.

And I turn towards the camera and grin (‘cause she’s got the cash.)

That’s how I’d shoot it.  Yeah.  Oh, yeah.

Now, back to reality: We’re followed around 24/7 by ravenous packs of wolves known as the freakin’ paparazzi, we’re accosted by misguided teens while we try to get a triple venti caramel mac at the local Starbucks, our faces grace the covers of every supermarket gossip rag on the planet, and on and on and on…

Now, that’s paradise.  

I’m not quite sure if stars, be they rock, pop, movie or otherwise, really understand what they’re in for when they sign on for their tour of duty.  I mean, it’s not a bad deal if you’re one of those attention-craving types.  You know the kind I’m talking about; they’re the ones who hate people taking their picture, but are terribly disappointed if no one recognizes them. 

I’ve never really thought that just because you’ve reached a certain level of notoriety that you automatically forfeit your right to a little freakin’ privacy.  And the way we circle like the sharks in “Open Water” is a little hard on the stomach as well.  It’s seems that we really can’t get enough.

But is the reason for the fascination really because their lives are that interesting, or is because our lives are really that boring?

You know, I’m gonna go with the latter rather than the former.

Here’s the average day for most of us: Get up, go to work, come home.  Repeat as necessary.

Let’s face it, after a few years of that, Britney starts looking better and better all the time.

And, since the entertainment industry is just packed with people who are so deficient in the self-esteem department that any attention will do just fine, thankyouverymuch, we can be assured a steady stream of jaw-dropping, eye-popping goodies pouring forth from the good ol’ HDBB.  (High Definition Burning Bush, for those uninitiated amongst you.)

A lot of people want to blame society when it comes to the gawk-fest we currently have running on channels like E!, but I’m gonna have to blame the celebrity, not society.

Think about it for a second or two.  Whose fault is it that Britney getting married for about a nanosecond was all over the news?  Did she even think for a second that it wouldn’t be?  Because of that, this next wedding probably has the Vegas bookies giving odds on how long it will last.  And whose fault would that be?

My personal favorite train wreck Courtney Love knows whatever the hell she’s doing is going to be on the cover of all the rags, so what does she do?  She does it.  

Paris Hilton gave some guy a Lewi on video?  You’re telling me that she honestly thought that wasn’t going to make it onto the internet?  Two words for ya, Paris: Pamela and Tommy.

And yet, no matter how many times some celebrity does something so abysmally stupid that you wonder if there was a little inbreeding somewhere along the way, another one comes along and makes that guy look like Linus Pauling by comparison.

So, let’s hear it instead for the anonymous celebrities.  The men and women who go about their business, earn a living, and don’t go to a movie theater and masturbate, don’t beat their significant others like they’re circus monkeys, don’t drink so much alcohol that they could peel the paint of a barn with their breath from twenty paces, don’t do bad amateur porn, don’t bore us to tears with their political point of view…well, you get the idea.

They just do their job, collect their check, and fly under the radar.  Bravo.  Well done.

Now, it kinda goes without saying that no matter what a guy like Tom Cruise does, he’s gonna attract attention.  I’m sorry about that, Tom.  I really am.  But I think the celebrity waters have been so muddied by the undeserving hoards of no-talent hacks that seek the spotlight by any means necessary that the gawk-fest is gonna go on.

And on and on and on…

And that’s a shame, but it’s also the way it is.  It’s sort of like a woman with really big breasts; people are gonna stare.  But if the woman in question just had super-mondo sized implants put in, then whose fault is it if people stare?

(Hey, you wanna wander through silicone valley, that’s your business, but if you put up a big flashing sign that says “Look at my boobs!”, don’t be offended if I stop to read it.)

And the same thing goes for celebrities.  You wanna bitch because some guy followed you around taking pictures of you while you tried to buy some puppy chow at the supermarket?  More power to you, babe.

But if you want to complain when you’re caught on tape acting like, well…like a celebrity?  Save it, sunshine; you brought this on yourself. 

And as for Britney getting married and breaking my heart?  Well, I guess I’ll get over it.

Besides, JoJo will be legal soon, won’t she?

That’s my two cents, now gimme my change. (And Britney?  Call me!)
 
 
 

Chuck DiMaria is Los Angeles based musician, actor and antiMUSIC columnist (his resume goes on). Check out his website ChuckDiMaria.com for more of his writings, MP3s and more (be sure to read about his adventures in online dating!!) Plus be sure check out the site for his band Under Pressure.

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