ACLU Sues CBS Over Joan of Arcadia.
Hot off the controversy surrounding “The Reagans” mini-series, CBS is now coming under fire from the ACLU and an atheist talk show host advocacy group. The ACLU took on the case after receiving complaints from the Syndicated Atheist Talk Alliance Network, a group that feels the CBS’s hit drama “Joan of Arcadia” is unconstitutional. 

“They clearly show God in a school,” said Birtha Defecta from S.A.T.A.N. in a statement. “What’s worst, they show God appearing as a physical person in a school setting, directing this young girl’s life. We can’t have them decay our values and morels in such a way and God has no business in the classroom, whether it’s television or not.” 

The ACLU says that they took on the case because “it goes to the heart of our struggle to stamp out religion in all forms from the public view”. At least that's what an intern for the organization told us; (He was the only person that would return our call.) Unreel News asked about the hypocrisy of violating the free speech rights of the producers of the program and the intern responded, "we are all about free speech, but we can't have people using that right as a smokescreen to inject religion into things." 

CBS remains tight lipped about the controversy. But a grip for the program told Unreel news, "Give me a f**kin break!"

Unreel news attempted to contact Defecta for further comment but we learned she was the victim of a bizarre accident last week. An hour after the lawsuit was filed, Defecta was killed when the radio tower for her low wattage station in Alaska was struck by lightning and the station, built from an abandoned outhouse, caught on fire. Her three listeners are planning a memorial for her. 

Racists Dog?
The National Association of Poodle Lovers is calling for a boycott of the Conan O’Brien Show saying that the program is discriminatory. They feel that guest appearances by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog are biased in favor of Rottweilers and are calling for equal time on the air for all races of dogs. 

“This is a classic example of discrimination. Why is it that all the dominate races of dogs get all the press and not the smaller breeds? Triumph is the tip of the ice burg; this has been going on for years--Lassie, Old Yeller, 101 Dalmatians. Where are the shows staring poodles and other small breed dogs?,” said Clarise Atemhund of the NAPL. 

Unreel news tried to point out examples like “Benjie” but Atemhund dismissed that example since it “stereotypes the small breed dog in an unfavorable light”. We asked her for an example of that stereotype but she was evasive. 

To help counter this claimed bias, NAPL have created their own poodle puppet, Nilly the Worthless Lap puppy.  Nilly doesn’t really have a shtick yet, she basically sits around in people's laps and barks for absolutely no reason. Triumph issued the following statement following the call for a boycott, “Poodles? I poop on them”. 

Baby Jessica?
Bullcity News, a regional tabloid in Rial, New Hampshire says that they heard from unreliable sources that pop singer turned sitcom star Jessica Simpson and her husband, Nick Lachey, are expecting. The paper reports that when told she was pregnant, Simpson asked the doctor “is it mine?” 

Different Remakes? 
Gary Coleman is reportedly in talks with Regurgitated Films Inc. to reprise his role as Arnold in a movie remake of the hit sitcom “Different Strokes”. Coleman seems excited about the offer, especially the bonus bone the production company offered him--it seems Coleman will not only act in the film and receive a salary for his on screen work but Regurgitated has reportedly offered the pint size actor the position of head security guard to watch over the sets at night when they are vacant. “Think of all the choo-choos I can buy with that money!,” said an excited Coleman. A spokesman for the show’s original co-star--Todd Bridges--says that the actor is also excited about the possibility of staring as “Willis” again.  “Todd was ecstatic when the offer was made. He hopes that his parole comes through in time for him to participate in principle photography,” said Christina Notbright from Hasb Einn Entertainment Management. 

Missy Elliot Buys a Vowel
Rap star Missy Elliot will soon appear in syndication on a special celebrity edition of “Wheel of Fortune”. The episode was reportedly filmed last week and audience members have told Unreel News about how the rapper did. “She ended up with negative money and had to pay the show $5000 out of her own pocket. It was embarrassing,” said Neil Nuthnbetatodo. The pivotal moment reportedly came when Missy spun the wheel and landed on $5000 and said to host Pat Sajak, “I like ta buy a vow yo. I take a ‘Q’, eye-ht”. 

Missy was among the panel of celebrities that appeared on the show to raise money for charity. Missy was playing for the Retarded Adult Poetry Association, also known as R.A.P.’A., the organization that helped the multi-platinum recording star get her start. 

Bill O’Reilly – Home Hawking Channel. 
Fox News is looking to branch out with their hit primetime show the “O’Reilly Factor”. Unreel news has learned that Fox is in talks with the Home Hawking Channel about syndicating the program. 

HHC spokesperson, Mark D’uppe, told Unreel News, “HHC wants to broaden our viewership and we decided the best way to do that is to syndicate popular shows. The ‘O’Reilly Factor’ is a perfect fit for us because most people don’t realize it, but the show is already a shopping program. Bill O'Reilly spends a good 60% of each program pitching his books and show related products. We hope the deal goes through, we love the profit factor that this show would bring to our network.” 

D’uppe says they hope to have the program on air by the time O'Reilly's new book, tentatively titled "Buy My New Book", hits stores. 

Metal Dorks
Jack Osbourne and MTV2’s Ian Robinson have reportedly signed on to star in the new action comedy “Metal Dorks”.  In the film, the socially challenged duo act as protégés of former Skidrow frontman Sebastian Bach and try to foil the plans of the evil M.C. Meatal (played by Fred Durst) who is hell bent on killing real metal and replacing it with rap-metal filled with homoerotic subliminal messages. The film is expected to ship direct to video early next year.

The Matrix Rehashed
Contrary to previous claims from the producers of the Matrix franchise, “The Matrix Revolutions”, will not be the final installment in the series. Unreel news has learned that the producers are eyeing yet another movie based on the series, “The Matrix Retarded”. The low level staffer we spoke with said that the script is already written and it’s just a matter of signing on the stars. He also says that the producers have taken heart of complaints that the last two films were heavy on action and effects but light on plot. “There is a story there but you really have to look deep for it. Not everyone gets the big significant story in those films. But I overheard someone say that this new script contains 70% more dialog in it- it’s a whopping 9 pages long!” 

There is no official word whether any of these claims are true, Unreel news suspects this low level staffer is just trying to kiss our reporter's ass to see his name in print. 

No Laughing Matter.
The manager of Jerry Seinfeld was rushed to the hospital late Tuesday night after suffering a heart attack during one of the comedian’s standup concerts.  Seinfeld’s manager reportedly suffered the attack after the comedian told a funny joke for the first time in his career.  “He laughed for the first time in 20 years, his body wasn’t used to the experience and he went into shock and his heart gave out,” said a hospital spokesperson. 

Unreel news was unable to obtain a copy of the joke but we did hear from eyewitness that is started like this, “Did you ever notice…” 

Snoop Dogged. 
Production was halted on the new Snoop Dogg movie, “Chronic-al”, after the rapper mistook the only existing script for rolling papers. The producers said that they could only afford to print one community script for the film and now that Snoop had smoked it they couldn’t continue with production. 

“Bullshizzle, “says Snoop Dogg of the excuse the producers gave for shutting down production. “I stand by my fizzle, til the drizzle stops flat out on the nizzle.” A team of translators are still trying to determine what in the hell Snoop Dogg was saying. 

Quick lies: - U2 frontman Bono almost drowned on Tuesday after attempting to walk on water – KISS are planning to release two new CD’s in 2004; “Alive XXXII” and a new greatest hits CD entitled “Same Songs / Different Cover”. –  Kelly Osbourne was arrested for impersonating a singer following her concert at Joe’s Bar n’ Spill in Dirtyarmpit, Wis. on Friday. – Enuff Z’nuff guitarist and 2nd string vocalist John Monaco is rumored to be considering taking over the role of “mini-me” in the next Austin Powers movie.– In the opps department: an 87 year-old nun was sued by the RIAA for trading copyrighted music online. The music trade organization claims that they traced an IP address to Sister Mary Rhino’s computer and show that she had traded copies of hit rap songs like “Booty-lisious” and “My Hoe’s Got Game” through an online file-swapping service. 

That’s it for this edition of Unreel News. - For Real entertainment news visit antiMUSIC.com’s news hub featuring music news from antiMUSIC, entertainment news from antiTainment and the Day In Rock report. 

Fine Print: The preceding was satire, in other words it was complete and total bulls**t and yet another example of why you can’t believe everything you read. If you still believe this is real even after seeing this disclaimer you are a moron and should be sterilized for the good of humanity. Have a nice day. 
 
 

Rant or Rave? Your turn, you can state the obvious and tell us how lame our jokes are (we know) and how none of these stories were true (we know that too). 

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