antiGUY had his Top 5 and everyone and their brother has a Top 10 but only Dolly Doppelganger can produce a Pop 9.  In true Dolly fashion, antiMusic's mother of invention and unconvention gives us her Pop 9 lists.  Warning to the gullable, Dolly has been known to make things up out of thin air so the only reality you may find in these lists are the ones between Dolly's ears. For the braindead and lawyers that means that what you are about the read may not be based in fact and is only the opinion or the imagination of Dolly Doppelganger. So with that let's get Dolly to pop off! 

A while back Congress got its collective undies in a bunch over vitamins or bottled water or some stupid thing like that. If memory serves correctly, they wanted to regulate its sale, arguing that in the hands of the moronic general public, death & devastation would surely break out if cooler, more regulatory heads did not prevail. Prevailing logic said that unless the ignorant, free spending swine weren’t nannied to safety through prohibitions, it would ruin the fabric of the nation, or something. A bunch of irrelevant actors, intent on inserting themselves into congressional hearings as if they were experts on the subject made a fun, light hearted movie showing congress what a far fetched, stupid idea they had by exploring some made up ramifications, something Dolly is becoming an expert at for real! Congress immediately got the joke & stopped their crusade against whatever ridiculous bit of puff fluffery they had been tilting at.

If only every instance of officious stupidity were stopped before it got to the point of caricature ripe for lampooning, then The West Memphis Three would be an obscure footnote in the legal system rather than victims of it.  I am sure you all know the basics of the case; if not, a tour of this link would be more educational than this article. Plus, you could see how much safer society is thanks to advanced crime solving techniques such as those relied upon where superstition & feelings reign supreme over evidence & logic. Not only is society safer, but taxpayers are grateful that appeals are swiftly denied without consideration. Imagine the costs associated with releasing these guys & compensating them for their unjust arrest! When you add that to the costs already incurred by the trial, I am sure you can see the reasonableness & fiscal savvy of just maintaining the status quo. If you, like the police department, prosecutor’s office & judges of West Memphis, AK find that ‘reading just isn’t your thing’, you could rent the HBO documentary, “Paradise Lost” or “Paradise Lost 2” to see what the uproar is about. Or, maybe someone will finally make that coloring book that’s in the works, to help the judge, PD & prosecutors realize why the country thinks they are stupid rubes that used their position to screw some kids they have a grudge against, as the evidence reveals. To summarize a complicated case in a sentence, everybody knows that when people dress in black & listen to metal, it proves that they are sadistic butchers of children, who kill for fun & then brag about it to their friends. If only the kids who shot up a school had lived, they could tell you the same thing!  When this helpful truth was introduced as evidence in the trial, minted on the spot to help guide the confused jury on the kangaroo court in Arkansas, it decisively closed the case on this puzzling murder mystery & earned a death sentence for one of the three, sparing society the horror of having actual Goth-friendly metal heads living among them in the small, back roads town. I just don’t know why slayings of this nature aren’t more prevalent across the country, given the popularity of heavy music these days. My guess is that kids these days that listen to metal & wear black must be too lethargic from being high all the time to do murder kids like they are supposed to. Or maybe they are all posers.

If you fit the profile of a kid killer, as defined by the Arkansas legal system, & don’t want to find yourself railroaded, take my helpful advice. If only Damien Echols, Jessie Misskelly & Jason Baldwin had had that option, they would not be on death row, rotting in prison for life plus 40 & rotting in prison for life respectively, for a crime they did not commit. If only they had known that looking & acting like everyone else would keep them free, they wouldn’t have had to put their trust in the fact that no evidence, no circumstantial evidence, no forensic evidence, no motive, no murder weapon, no link to the murder victims, no history of violence, threats or intimidation of or against children would be sufficient to prove their innocence. If only they had the helpful “Pop 9 list to escape wrongful conviction” that you antiReaders are going to benefit from, this article would be about something else, like maybe how to turn those useless dog pound dogs into warm Christmas scarves or cozy napkin rings! Quick, before the cops come, read my possibly life saving advice!

1. You must look like you fit in well with society, so wear brightly colored clothing. If you’re not really sure how to start doing this, when your entire closet is filled with black, then watch some fashion show on TV like “What Not to Wear” & do exactly as the stylists order.  Learn to accessorize, while you are at it. Remember Robert Chambers, “The Preppy Murderer”? He dressed like a model in a GQ ad, and although he admits that he strangled his girlfriend Jennifer Levin, he is a free man today, sentenced to a cream puff sentence that someone so stylishly dressed deserves. His new girlfriend doesn’t even fear for her own life, in spite of his embarrassingly public track record in relationships, this, I am sure, is entirely due to his snappy, dashing appearance. 

2. When in doubt, before you go out, mimic the life style of another released federal felon by asking yourself “What would Martha Stewart wear today? What would she listen to? Who would she hang out with?” Do this & you’ll probably be just fine! 

3. Every single time you are in public, listen to music that’s on the radio & popular. OJ Simpson is a big fan of the Black Eyed Peas, I just betcha & look at him today! Playing golf & making commercials & drinking rum & cokes on yachts! Wouldn’t your life be so much nicer if you had his life? You never get a second chance; you may not even get a fair trial the first time, so do this right before it gets to that point! 

4. Don’t hang out with kids that look like cast extras in a “Night of the Living Dead” movie. At all times, try to hang around people & places with an official air to them, and record times, dates & places in a notebook,  just in case an unsolved murder gets committed in your town. That way, you’ll be able to truthfully answer the cop that shows up at your door to question you, “Officer, I am wearing beige & white & red with gold accessories as I listen to Brittney Spears, and at the precise instant in time you are asking about, I was at the police station volunteering to rake the leaves, and look! I had Sergeant Mahoney sign, date & stamp the time on my official ‘Where Am I Now?’ log! Would you like me to make a set of copies for you of this log, or vacuum your car or bring you a cold beverage while you peruse it?” 

5. Be sure you live in a town where only non psychics work at the police department, otherwise, you’ll only have yourself to blame when someone can tell just by thinking about you if you have committed an unsolved crime or not. If only the WM3 weren’t up against the eerily omniscient “hunch” of a juvenile officer at the crime scene who knew & disliked Damien & his posse. Why did he dislike them so? Because he has been born with the ability to look at someone & just know in his bones if he’s guilty or not. Why this man doesn’t tour the country as a professional juror, I’ll never understand. Truly, the days of Minority Report type crime solving, based on psychics & what’s best for society are upon us with the conviction of these three, doesn’t that fill you with confidence!?

6. Make sure you have wealthy parents, or some other legal source of LOADS of money. Some free ideas for you in this regard: invent an important gadget, cure an incurable disease, be beautiful & model, be brilliant & think, be a real estate mogul, or a former athlete, musician or actor. Any of these extremely lucrative careers can help keep you free when you find yourself unjustly (Or even justly, as it turns out!) accused. 

7. Apply for a job as a cop or prosecutor, or run for office as a judge at least every four years. The prosecutor gig would be ideal! Then, when the omniscient cops want to bust your friends (who now only wear stylish & colorful outfits purchased at Macy’s or Saks) for being suspicious, you can refuse to prosecute them!  Wouldn’t that be cool!?! Maybe, if your friends’ names get dragged through your new office often enough, you could actually charge the cops with harassment, or false arrest or something, now wouldn’t that trial be a hoot!

8. Befriend every potential murder victim in the county & have your picture taken weekly by the local press doing so. Murderers tend to prey on the weak & defenseless. So hang out at old people homes, college sorority houses, nursery schools- not in a weird, creepy, stalker way, but in a photo op way. Teach nursery school kids to knit, old people to mosh, it doesn’t really matter the skill, all that matters is demonstrating a track record of kindness to those a real predator would seek out for dark purposes. Then, when the false accusations roll your way, outraged old people & little kids & their parents & drunk college kids will stand up for you & ignore the panic created in the press when they turn on you because it sells more newspapers.

9. Make your name synonymous with ‘pacifist’. Every time a movie comes to the local Cineplex that has higher than a G rating for violence, make up signs & protest the film depictions of guns, knives, food processors, ninja swords, whatever. Write letters to the editor berating the police station for carrying guns & beg for them to use only pepper spray like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Every time you are in public & you see someone using their hands to talk animatedly, call 911 & claim you see evidence of gang signs & symbols & weep to the dispatcher & beg her to help you eliminate violence from the streets.  If you can do this at least 20 or 30 times a week, all the paper work generated by your complaints will make the cops want to avoid you at all costs and maybe even put a block on your phone so you can no longer call 911! This one might be risky, but after all, if random cops are going to hold a grudge against you, might as well give them a reason to! Hope this list helps!
 

Your turn. 

Fan Speak:

Posted by Bodhi:
WTF??? Dolly gots some skills.