I have been waiting my whole life for flowery Christmas songs, sung by a guy with a voice so delicate it makes me shudder. Wait, maybe I'm shivering from swine flu induced fever. Either way, this CD is so outstandingly excellent that I have a visceral reaction to his lullabies, and now I have to hunt down his manager and slash his tires for Archuleta Abuse!

That sadist forced poor little Davy to sing songs WAY too demanding for him! I'm terrified that he might have brain damage from collapsing halfway through every song! How can this moron manager hope to have a long career to suck dry if it takes Davy 2 years to recover from this 1 CD, sipping herbal tea on a mountain top while taking lengthy recovery naps with a cool humidifier blowing on his face, huh YOU VICIOUS MANAGER OR WHOEVER IS PULLING HIS STRINGS?!?!

I have to pack, and buy adult diapers so I can stalk my next victim; I'm going to let my sister take over singing his WELL DESERVED PRAISES!!!!!

"Christmas from the Heart", David Archuleta
By Holly Doppelganger, hostile CD review takeover artist

OK, so this guy loses American Idol, and to get revenge, he releases a Christmas CD. What a moronic idea!

To me, listening to Christmas music is like reading clichés written in multicolored letters, in some zippy cool font. Can anyone actually achieve musical world dominance through Hallmark genericisms?

But even if this plan was the best or only way to wedge Dolly's idol into famousland, the guy doesn't have a good enough voice to carry any of these overly familiar tunes. Even a child who grew up xmas music deprived would hate him (as you'll soon see.) Now that the business of dealing with his…"singing" is over, onto the important stuff!

DA makes assertions hysterically at odds enough to be hilarious in his end notes. But first we must look at the important question a marketer should have considered prior to agreeing to this nonexemplary release.

Who is the target audience for this CD? The suckers who voted for him and wept but didn't commit suicide when he lost? There's probably bunches of 'em… I dunno… maybe dreams of them shoveling over enough cash to make someone rich won the argument at the conference table that day.

But it's a Christmas CD, not lame pop songs tailored to his vocal deficiencies. Know why? Apparently, David A. "had to" release a Christmas CD cuz he loves Jesus so much that everyone should buy it, so they know where he stands. Ok, cool; religious freedom is AWESOME. I also love living in a country that you can be stupid and still express your opinion, or my sister could never write for antiMusic.

But that's not the funny, at odds part! Does this potential fan base have such a low IQ that they'd buy an Xmas CD, even if it wasn't part of their religion? DAVID SEZ THEY SHOULD!! Yeah, he really does. Not only should they buy this, they should LISTEN TO IT!! Know why? Cuz he "hope(s) the music in this album will go beyond anyone's personal religious beliefs". Does he actually think non Xmas celebrators will believe him? Yeah! He wants "the experiences that (they) may feel through the music to communicate to (them) in (their) own personal language, and in light of (I think he meant ' in spite of') your spiritual or religious beliefs."

Whatever, pal! You wanna evangelize people, cool; you need to do it MUCH better than this, ya arrogant jerk!! Don't drag them to your Christmas party cuz you're afraid to be a missionary in the Sudan! No one is that rabid a fan of a loser that they'd obey such lunatic demands (that go on and on, this guy is as wordy as he is ignorant.)

Probably Dolly wants you to buy this CD… truckloads of 'em. Yeah, go ahead. David commands it as well.

Christmas from the heart by David Barfaletta

By Khali Doppelganger (writing ambassador & representative of 16 year old girls everywhere)

Well if you actually like Christmas songs you're gonna hate this vomit inducing landfill of suck.

It doesn't take a genius to tell that he obviously lacks the talent to get famous on his own accord and that's why he had to go on a tv show watched only by people who can't recognize real talent if it spit in their lunch.

He sung all the songs in such a way that had the girls he had featured singing more manly than him. I'm pretty sure the reason all the songs are so quiet is because he doesn't want people to know he can't really sing.

Anyone can sound decent if they sing way to soft and girly to even hear what's being said and have loud obnoxious music blaring in the background to cover the lack of vocal strength.

I don't know why anyone would want to join the league of nobodies who sing Christmas music that doesn't get listened to because oh yeah it sucks! I don't think I'll ever be able to listen to Christmas music again after hearing this embarrassingly performed cd that causes your ears to dry heave more than a shit shoveler for an elephant pen.

I don't know how anyone that makes a Christmas album can be taken seriously especially if they sing so pathetically. I would rather roll around in raw sewage than listen to this album (although it's more or less the same thing).