Election Day is always a nail-biting, anxiety-filled, roller coaster ride as America's polarized left and right fight over who will dictate the next two years of our country's political, social, cultural, and military agenda.  One thing on this election day we can ALL agree on however, is how proud we are of Britney Spears for FINALLY DUMPING K-FED!!!  This is BREAKING national news as I write this blog, competing with election coverage updates for FONT SIZE in terms of which news people are more eager to hear.  Since we won't know for a few more hours who runs the Congress, the media is clearly flocking to the unity that is implied in all of our relief that Britney has taken the one move that she has left to avoid completely killing off her already badly damaged career stemming from her marriage to this hack loser.  Her popularity and record sales PLUMMETED, publicists were fired, Greatest Hits collections tanked, and as Britney's identity as a platinum-selling recording artist disappeared, a new freak show emerged in her place to rep the family's musical name on the charts.  Not Johnny Cash for June Carter, or even Whitney Houston for Bobby Brown, no no.  This was much much lower on the celebrity Letter grading system.  Given an F by America out of the gate, Kevin Federline has emerged to become perhaps the most hated man in America, and not because he's married to Britney Spears, but just because he's a tabloid celebrity at all.  Aside from actor Michael Rappaport's praising of his 'Guerilla Pimping' on Carson Daly's Late Night TV show, virtually EVERY other critical appraisal of Federline has been failing of even the most remote of compliments for even his putting forth the effort to release an album.  According to Rolling Stone Magazine, who just today ran a headline reporting that 'BRITNEY DUMPS THE DORK', they reviewed Federline's debut album 'Playing With Fire' as a “reprehensible rap debut,” and further concludes that the album is “poison” and that Federline's “rhyme flow is the opposite of tight.”   Defiantly claiming to MTV.com that he “don't think it's gonna be all that hard” to have a successful record, his first week album chart position of 151 on the Billboard Top 200 Album Chart with a whopping sound-scan total of 6,495 units scanned says otherwise.  Moreover, as K-Fed further revealed his strategy for success in People, he dared America to treat him like the parasite that he is, challenging readers that “if you want to hate me, cool, hate me…You know why? Because all it's going to do is help me.”  I think not DICKHEAD!  You've pissed so many Americans off with your crappy rapping that we only want to see you hurt.  When Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, for example, announced they were divorcing, the public at large was rooting for Nick Lachey to get his fair share of the $36 Million fortune his wife amassed during the course of their marriage.  In K-Fed's case, no such cheer-leading section is rooting for your success, only for your demise as a public figure.

A bad car wreck that the rest of America saw coming a mile off, the musical CARNAGE that K-FED did both to our ears and to Britney Spears' career can now be an opportunity for America to unite behind Britney as she begins the LONG, LONG rehabilitation of her image.  Perhaps taking a cue from Whitney, whose public image has taken a MASSIVE rebound from simply filing for divorce from Brown, and then appearing at an awards show with the ever-beloved record industry genius Clive Davis.  Entering the sort of quarter-century mark that welcomed Prince back into the public light with 'Musicology', Houston will have no problem reclaiming her place at the top of the pop charts- much in the way Mariah Carey did in 2004 with 'The Emancipation of Mimi' simply by delivering an album of radio-friendly material reminiscent of the glory days of Whitney Houston that pushed her sales past 100 million albums sold.  While Britney Spears won't ever attain that type of artistic acclaim or album sales, she- much in the way Nick Lachey masterfully negotiated his own musical comeback this past fall- has an opportunity to play upon the public's CLEAR sympathy for her plight.  The logic is simple: America sees her as the victim because they see Federline simultaneously in the only light they can: as a money-grubbing schemer who hopped aboard Spears' gravy-train and used his tabloid coat tail celebrity to land a record deal out of it.  Want proof he's a money grubber.  Consider this boast on his debut album about “a lifestyle of rich living and fast cars.”  WHERE IN THE WORLD would K-Fed have that kind of money without Britney Spears?  The answer is simple: NOWHERE, which is exactly where he's heading professionally, and where America at large would prefer he return personally.  K-Fed said in another interview recently he wanted to raise his kids on a farm somewhere in middle America- that's a GREAT IDEA.  Don't come back, because we don't want you around here anymore!!! Need further proof of that, consider TMZ's report on one of K-Fed's few live shows to promote his new LP that wasn't cancelled due to poor ticket sales like those in New York and Philadelphia were- Kevin Federline calls himself "America's Most Hated" and last night he proved it, as his Halloween performance was met with a chorus of boos -- and not of the ghostly variety.  Before the first beat dropped from his new song 'Privilege,' Federleezy was bombarded with jeers from the costume-clad crowd.”  XXL commented back this past fall following his widely-panned performance at the Teen People's Choice Awards that "I just think we ignore him.  He's a joke, basically…I just don't think he gets it.”  Given the fact that he came out with the record anyway, I think we'd have to agree.

Maybe Britney did too?  One has to wonder what finally made Spears see the light?  Perhaps it was CNN's report that “K-Fed was reportedly skipping Dad duties and partying while Spears, struggling with pregnancy weight gain, spent more time with her mother and younger sister.”  Or maybe it was comments from K-Fed in interviews like the one he made to Radio personality BIG BOY that that he wanted to “have a three-way with Jessica Alba”, as if she'd touch his rancid ass with a 20-foot-pole.  Or perhaps it was K-Fed's arrogant boast to another journalist in Entertainment Weekly that he's the “most talked-about (person) of anyone.”  Or maybe it was this brilliant little nugget of wisdom from K-Fed about child-rearing, in which he claimed he believes its “completely unfair when a child is brought into this world and now he's already looked at like a prince.”  Was he talking about himself in the context of being a tabloid celebrity vicariously through his children there?  He went onto boast that “my kids are going to work at Taco Bell!"  No friend, I think that's you whose going to be working at a fucking Taco Bell once the divorce is finalized and America forgets about you.  Moreover, since Britney was smart enough to sign what the media has made a point to refer to as an 'IRON CLAD' prenup, K-Fed won't likely be walking away with a big payday since Britney made the majority of her fortune prior to their marriage.  I point out these facts because its IMPORTANT that K-Fed get nothing- from either Ms. Spears OR the public at large, as he has done NOTHING to earn it, and will owe MUCH MUCH more than he can afford in the form of child support once Britney turns the golden faucet off.  K-Fed boasted in one interview that his goals for the future included the day when “they judge me as an artist, a CEO, a somebody, not Britney Spears' husband, that's the day I'm looking forward to.”  KEEP ON DREAMING BUDDY!  Because the day we were ALL dreaming of JUST ARRIVED!  Not even so much for Britney's sake, but more for our own good fortune that you are no longer entitled to hers, and most importantly that you can't continue using it to try and bribe your way into rap stardom.  To succeed as a mainstream white rapper in America you HAVE to HAVE skills.  That has been proven time and again by the likes of the success of artists like the Beastie Boys and Eminem, and the fly-by-night one-hit-wonders like House of Pain and Third Base, and soon to be joining that flock- Mr. Paul Wall.  Still, one compliment I can pay ALL of these hacks that I could NEVER pay K-FED: they all got famous by FIRST having MUSICAL SUCCESS, if even minor or only for a moment in time.  Even Vanilla Ice holds that honor where Federline doesn't and could never. 

America's Tabloid Culture is as attracted to the Bad Boy-Prom Queen coupling as anyone when it's a case where BOTH partners in the union have a legitimate talent-based celebrity preceding the union- take the Forefathers of the celebrity tabloid culture- Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson.  Both mastered the tabloid media attention to the benefit of both their profiles and career longevity.  To a degree, Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston did the same, although America clearly prefers Whitney in her more pristine glory day of 'I Will Always Love You', and is willing to forgive her for her drug addictions, awful albums, and 'Crack is Wack' moments now that she's returning to the glory years of the 'I Will Always Love You' era.  Take Kate Moss and Babyshambles' front man Pete Doherty for another example.  Moss was outcast for the better part of a year after the Sun Tabloid published a picture of her doing a line of cocaine in the studio.  Still, after entering rehab, most of her modeling contracts were re-instated, and today she and a now-clean Doherty are engaged and expecting a child.  Or perhaps consider Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.  Jolie was once labeled 'America's Freakiest Movie Star' by the tabloids for her strangeland marriage to Billy Bob Thorton and open-mouthed kisses with her brother at movie premiers.  Not 5 years later, she is the international globe's most beloved Ambassador via her charity work, adoptions of third-world country orphans, and most notably, her marriage to Brad Pitt.  For his own part, Pitt could have been ostracized for the way he left Jennifer Aniston for Jolie, just as Ben Affleck or Tom Cruise's careers were respectively damaged by their romantic tabloid relationships.  But because of their charity work and family-friendly image, Pitt and Jolie were embraced by a forgiving public.  In context of the election day, Arnold Schwarzenegger was forgiven for his disastrous 2005 Proposition Special Election, and today, has rebounded from a 6-point deficit to beat his democratic challenger Phil Angelides by almost 15 points.  The bottom line is the American public LOVES celebrities who can show a humble side, rather than the constantly-cocky, 'I'm Entitled to the Attention' one that Kevin Federline clearly prefers to mug for the cameras. 

Spears has already begun her public image recovery campaign, crashing the David Letterman Show Monday night as a SOLO act, looking gorgeous and amazingly-thin despite recently giving birth to K-Fed's fourth child.  Today, every news organization running a report on this news has taken time to insert their own editorial opinion into the official record that it's a LONG-OVERDUE move.  Take Rolling Stone Magazine for one, who commented as follows: “Can we just say: It's about damn time. Britney Spears reportedly finally filed for divorce from her husband/leech Kevin Federline.”  For his own part, in spite of over 75% of his promotional dates being cancelled, proclaimed that “I'm going to keep going all the way through until I'm 30…Then I'm really going to sit back and take some time off.”  Dude, do us ALL a favor and do it now.  Unfortunately, that is probably not going to happen.  K-Fed announced in a recent interview with USA Today that he's writing a tell-all autobiography, perhaps knowing subconsciously that its almost over, and seeking to capitalize on the last moment of his 15 minutes of fame.  Unfortunately, the headlines from the pending divorce will only fuel interest in his book, and we'll all likely have to suffer through one last wave of media attention for this parasite before he disappears forever into the black sea of has-beens.  K-Fed recently boasted that “I know what it's like to be filthy rich.”  Hopefully that is about to change.  It would improve Britney Spears' fortunes, and more importantly, our own.  In spite of how much money K-Fed may have initially squeezed out of his wife or his15 minutes of fame as her husband, given the undisclosed settlement he paid this week to Thomas Dolby for unlawfully stealing a sample from his hit 'She Blinded Me With Science,' reported to be so sizable that Dolby commented afterward that he planned to “buy a new sailboat, find a quiet anchorage somewhere, make myself a cup of tea and write some brand new songs.”  Maybe he could take K-Fed along and push him off the side of the boat without a life vest while out at sea, miles and miles from shore.   The sharks are definitely in the water, circling K-Fed, and hungry for blood, so the coming days can only get more entertaining.  Ten years from now, when this waste of spooge has leapt off some building Milli Vanilli-style and done us all a favor, we will have his album as an archive of sorts we can turn to while we can hold vigil to remember this fucking joker for the true WASTE he was.  If hell has a sewer, this fucker will be floating in it, believe me.  Anyway, I hope everybody voted whatever way they're voting today, and no matter how happy or upset you are tonight with the election outcome, we can ALL take comfort in the fact that this piece of shit will soon be flushed down the toilet as all he ever had going for him to fuel the tabloid attention was his marriage to Britney Spears.  The bottom line is this: Britney's 'Irreconcilable Differences' with K-Fed are ours as well, and hopefully his divorce from all of us will be swift and final.
 

Shameless Plug: On November 21st, 2006, Versailles Records will release 'Panama: A Millennium Tribute to Van Halen', featuring current/former members of Hanoi Rocks, Skid Row, Lillian Axe, Dio, Saigon Kick, Aerosmith, Rough Cutt, Zebra, Riot, The Ace Frehley Band, Rat Race Choir, Dangerous Toys, Lillian Axe, Derringer, Axis, Black Sabbath, Near Life Experience, and World War III among others.  Visit  www.versaillesrecords.com, for more info

About the author: Jake Brown is owner/operator of Nashville-based Versailles Records and a biographer who has published several books. Click here to more details. 
 

Agree or Disagree? 

register | forgot your password?

Fan Speak:

Posted by  antiGUY on 2006/11/13 13:06:28
Ah good ol\' K-Fed. Good to see the loser get his due.