Greetings from 'The Lab.' It's been awhile since last we met, my writing habits have been dictated by my schedule, which has obviously been all sortsa busy, and I just haven't had the time to do much of anything. but, don't worry, we'll take care of all that (and then some) this month.

Recently while reading a column over at Espn.com Page 2, I had an idea for a column that I thought would be pretty good...and this column is the realization of that 'thought.'  Every week during the NFL season, one of the columnists over there delves deep inside the minds of NFL players to get their deepest, darkest and uncensored thoughts on things going on with them, their team, and the league itself...so, that's kinda what we're gonna do today...today we're going to take a journey inside the minds of some of musics biggest names and see what kind of 'Deep Thoughts' they may be having. This is the first of what may well become MANY volumes of these, so, let's just hop right into it, shall we?
 

'Howlin' Pelle Almqvist - vocalist, The Hives
"Mick who?? Rolling what??? Look, I may be Swedish BUT BY GOD I know rock and roll. I invented it you know. At least that's what Kurt Loder wants you to believe. MWHAHAHA! The master plan is almost complete.. soon, everyone will be wearing matching clothes. Resistance is futile!!"

Ryan Adams - solo artist/former Whiskeytown frontman 
"Hmmm. Lemme see. I write 900 songs a week, I�ve had two of the most loved albums of the last year in a number of circles, I�m afforded the luxury of drinking and smoking as much as I want, WHEN I WANT, and I love punk rock. So, what can I do to get some punk cred?? Cover some Misfits songs??? No, that won't work. I GOT IT! I'll go on Country Music Television and have Elton John join me onstage, doing half my songs! Hell yeah!! That'll get me some respect in the punk community!!"

Justin Timberlake - member of Nsync/current solo artist
"Britney who???? Shiiiiiit, I don't need that ho! I got mad street cred, yo! Hooked up with Timbaland he doing all my beats...gotta get Ja Rule to come spit on my next joint, that way ALL the kids'll be lovin my s***! Again, Britney who???? Yo yo, my new album is for all my homies up in Whispering Pines Pre-Planned Community!!!! Represent!!"

Eminem - do I even need to type it?
"Two albums in the Top 10...number one movie in the country for a couple weeks...some fool on TV just said I should run for President, and MEANT IT! Maybe I shouldn't have made that Elvis comparison in 'Without Me'...."

Lou Pearlman - the man behind Nsync, Backstreet Boys and pretty much all the teen pop stuff 
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! MTV turned on me, Backstreet and Nsync left me!! What next!?!!? I gotta fund this Twinkie habit of mine somehow! Wonder if Pelle Almqvist wants to do a solo project??? Or, better yet...QUICK SOME ONE GET ME AVRIL LAVINGE'S PHONE NUMBER!"

Micheal Jacksons baby - you know, the one seen hanging off that balcony
"DAMNIT!!! This close to FREEDOM!!"

Robby Krieger - Guitarist of the Doors
"We replaced Jim with WHO??? Did I know about this???? I knew I shouldn't have eaten that sheet of acid Jim gave me back in '69."

Iann Robinson - Heavy Music 'Expert' for MTV
"I'm bald, fat and have lots of tattoos. My house was just on 'Cribs' and chicks love me just because I�m on MTVall the time. Someone remind me, who did I blow to get this gig?"  (Iann is the kind of guy we used to rag on in school, a nerd who wanted to be a rocker. He represents metal about as well as Avril represents punk... -ed) 

Thom Yorke - vocalist for Radiohead
"Oooooooooh, I see. We experiment with our sound and we get labeled weird. But that wanker Beck does it and he's all of a sudden a bloody genius That's great. Just bloody great.  We make better rock music WITHOUT guitars than ANY bloody nu-metal band, let alone Beck! And, If I hear someone compare us to COLDPLAY ever again I�ll kill. I swear to god, I�ll kill the bloak who does it.  THEY are trying to sound like us, not the other way around...drugs...need drugs....stress..getting..to....me..."

Ozzy Osbourne - DUH!
"s;khdf987tcvknmskdfgasdkflg SHARON!!! asodhf9sdgftosdrk7sadoifuhsdlkfh f***ING DOG!!!! oasdijhf9ew8rtyew9rughksadf  JACK!!!! sda; kfhaosdjhfsepfuyishfnew a0riegoew87r54w9 tlcvn,xvcgodfsjlga......"

Liam Gallagher - Crazy ass member of Oasis
"Oh, what in the bloody f***ing hell is Yorke bitching about now!! Why doesn't he just bugger off..doesn't he realize I can't bloody smile!! I've got broken teeth!!! Wait, I haven't smiled in 8 years..f*** it..where's my whiskey??"

Axl Rose - vocalist, Guns N Roses
"Who needs Slash and all of them...did THEY see the RIOT!?!? OH GOD, it was great!! It's 1992 all over again! Someone bring me a supermodel, gotta get back to my roots."

Courtney Love - bane of my existence
"And, for my next trick, I�ll dig up Kurt's remains and sell them one chunk at a time on Ebay..."

Rivers Cuomo - vocalist/guitar player, Weezer
"Ok, so, I�ve got all the whiney ass fruits from the emo world on my side...now, I move onto the nu metal realm and my domination is complete. That guy from the Hives can talk about all the domination he wants..but soon I will have ALL OF MTV'S AUDIENCE EATING OUT OF MY HANDS!!!! MWWHAHAHAHAHA!! Wonder how this fitted, red, Yankees hat'll look with my bowling shirt and brown slacks??"

There ya have it kids....see you a little later this month when we'll peek into my Best of 2002 in a large number of categories INCLUDING the definitive Top 10 Albums of the year. So, until then....

Questions, Comments and stupid reasons why Courtney didn't kill Kurt (HAHAHAHA) should be emailed to:  [email protected]

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