Not that we're judging, mind you. This is ruddy Madonna we're talking about. Let's face it, short of long-division, there's nothing that she cannot do. Except wear trousers. And not grind her hip bones into a fine powder, as she dry humps her dancers in every video.

Madonna currently has five children; her two biological ones Lourdes and Rocco, and her two adopted kids Mercy and David. Then there's the fifth. Jesus. Whom no one seems to realise must be some other child she adopted. We've read somewhere he's supposed to be her boyfriend, but that's just silliness if ever we heard it. Jesus is clearly still a child, and he actually appears to be shaving off peach fuzz each morning, in lieu of something rugged-looking that more closely resembles facial hair. - the fun has only just begun

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