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Head Recruited by Feds 


04-01-05
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(antiMUSIC) The Anti Terrorist division of the FBI announced a new head for 2005! In a bold move sure to help this country stay free of the forces of evil, the FBI informed a packed crowd that former Korn Guitarist Brian "Head" Welch has been appointed to this important position, citing his psychic skills.

"We feel Mr. Welch will become the most valuable asset we have. He is presently taking FBI sponsored classes on 'keeping his mouth shut' & 'not issuing press releases on ridiculous subjects'. We anticipate this training could take some time. Once he's completed that round, he'll have to take an additional course load of classes, on logical thinking. 

Here's why, from his latest announcement: "50 Cent is a "huge force for the devil"."

"God told me there will be many attempts made to kill you by the enemy."

The FBI spokesman then went on to explain, "'Which enemy?' will be the name of the class. Christ himself said that the devil wasn't against himself, so this type of cloudy thinking has to be dealt with the FBI way before we unleash Brian's peculiar talents on the common people. Once the drug corroded brain cells heal, and Brian can recognize the own inconsistencies inherent in his logic, then he'll be all set to demonize the terrorists."

The celebratory party will feature the newly announced Korn lineup, featuring Lil' Jon with a guest appearance by the rapper with the cheap name. When asked if the presence of Fiddy would upset the new Head of the FBI Anti Terrorist Division, the spokesman once again had this to say:  "Fiddy is like a muse for Welch. We plan to take him into custody and always have him within 30 feet of Mr. Welch. In a war on terrorism, sometimes civil rights are the victims, and Mr. Fiddy is willing to give himself to serve his country in this way." 

When a local church official asked the spokesman if Brian was aware that God speaks to people primarily through His word, rather than through people issuing press releases, the spokesman had this to say: "No further questions! Head might just save your town someday, ask him then!"
 

Dolly Doppelganger reporting for antiMusic and Christians Against Posers. 
 


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