with DeadSun
You've seen him in Fan Speak all around
the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his
very own talk show, The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and
Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show.
 .
.
"Presenting
This Summer’s Viking Black Metal Fashion Lineup!"
Prologue : Well, a new month is
upon us, and with it comes a whole new helping of irreverent silliness.
Welcome back, kiddies. You have once more arrived in that magical land.
A special place, where anything is rarely sacred--- well, apart from the
time honored tradition of being able to point out the humor that lies in
everything around us, whether some find it offensive or not. This is the
June installment of the DeadShow, titled “Presenting This Summer’s Viking
Black Metal Fashion Lineup!”.
A few weeks back, someone brought something
up which triggered the bit of silliness you’re about to read. The bulk
of this person’s point suggested that, though I have a knack for poking
fun at things which irritate me, I might not be so good at poking fun of
something that I like--- something like Black Metal, for example.
Not true--- and so, in the spirit of taking
up that indirect challenge, I present you, O lovers of sarcasm and insolence,
with this summer’s Viking Black Metal fashion show. This month, we will
be joined by none other than the mighty--- nay, the legendary--- Green
God of the Glade himself : Greenmuse. Let’s cue up the music, and get things
underway!
( Hit stage lights, and cue Darkthrone’s
“In the Shadow of the Horns” )
DS : “Hi there, ladies and gents.
Glad to have you with us, and as you can see, there’s been a significant
and Unholy turnout for this summer’s fashion expo. I’m your humble commentator
DS, and with me today is Greenmuse.”
Greenmuse : “Ahoy, droogies. Boy
DS, it really looks like the forces of Evil are gearing up for some blasphemous
fashion statements this summer. I have high hopes for what today’s prevailing
styles will have on this summer’s highly anticipated graveyard desecrations.”
DS : “Let’s see if we can get a
pre-show comment from one of the runway Vikings… ( approaches Viking )
Excuse me, sir? What is your name?”
Halfdan the Grim : ( scowling )
“I be Halfdan the Grim, son of Martin the Bank Teller, brother of Steven
the Paperboy. State your business with haste, vile heathen, lest I fell
you with my great beard axe!”
DS : “Do you listen to Black Metal?”
Halfdan the Grim : ( bellowing )
“Only the tr00est Black Metal, spawned forth from the Great Northern Darkness,
which chills my blood, and causes my astral body to wax icy.”
Greenmuse : ( raises his fist to
the sky ) “Hail, valiant Halfdan! I listeneth to the tr00est Polka, spawned
forth from the mighty Bratwurst, which makes my moustache thick, and my
lederhosen dance!” ( pulls out an accordion )
*oom-pa-pa oom-pa-pa oom-pa-pa*
DS : “Not now, Greenmuse.”
Greenmuse : “Sorry. You know how
I get…”
Halfdan the Grim : ( raising beard
axe ) “Die, you bleating sheep!”
DS : “Actually, we wanted to get
your thoughts on this summer’s Black Metal fashion lineup…”
Halfdan the Grim : ( turning suddenly
perky and talkative ) “Well we’re really expecting to see some new direction
in pants--- maggots are all the rage.”
DS : “They ARE?”
Halfdan the Grim : “Oh yes. Merely
burying the pants in unhallowed ground to induce decay is old hat, and
so now a lot of the top designers are sprinkling them with maggots. It
really gives them that sequin-esque allure, and so far made a real splash
at cannibalistic ceremonies.”
Greenmuse : “I’ve noticed your beard
axe. Could this be taken as an indication that there might be a radical
shift away from 8th century Viking raider swords?”
Halfdan the Grim : “Beard axes are
really blossoming. They look great if matched up with a flashy pair of
demonic, spiked gauntlets. Also, because they’re not too bulky, they truly
help make the toil of spreading Eternal Evil and perverting people’s souls
much easier.”
DS : “Ooh, that sounds marvelous.”
Halfdan the Grim : “Yes, it really
is--- ( pauses ) well, in the bleak, godless sense of the term ‘marvelous’,
I suppose it is. Anyway, it looks like the runway show is about to begin,
so I’ve got to run. ALL HAIL!”
( The music lowers, and the lights slowly
dim. A thick, low lying fog begins to crawl along the runway platform.
Then--- ever so eerily--- the sounds of a Viking war drum begin to steadily
throb though the air. The corpse painted crowd stirs with sacrilegious
anticipation. Suddenly, as if on the threshold of an epic, bloody
battle, a war chant swells above the drumming. In a single moment of the
most unholy terror humanly imaginable, a voice like a bloodthirsty beast
roars forth from the PA system… )
DS : “GOOD AFTERNOON RAPERS, LOOTERS,
AND PILLAGERS! Welcome to the annual summer black metal fashion expo! Let
the show BEGIN!”
( Cue Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”.
Out struts the first Unholy Viking model. )
DS : “Ofeig the Slightly Putrescent
is wearing a stunning Cloak of Abomination, patterned with Inverted Crosses,
and hand sewn with bits of Satanically blessed goat intestines.”
( Ofeig twirls around, making snarling
faces )
Greenmuse : “Judging by the flying
sheep’s heads from the crowd, I’d say they’re really taken by what they
see, DS. This is the kind of cloak which will really help to disperse those
baneful clouds of Christian oppression when the wearer is out on the town.”
DS : “Absolutely. Oh wait… here
comes the next model… Hrafn the Peevish is clearly mixing style with attitude,
here. He wields a bloody halberd that contrasts magnificently against his
all black, bile splattered clothing. This piece of weaponry has really
come into its own over the past few seasons, Greenmuse--- perfect for swearing
blood revenge in the name of Odin, or even braving the mighty frost tempests
of Blashyrkh.”
Greenmuse : “One can’t help but
notice the fantastic job that Hrafn has done with his corpse paint and
green fangs--- and I like the prosthetic troll nose particularly.
I’ll tell you DS, this sassy, fashion-forward look is definitely going
to be a common sight at all of this summer’s upcoming church burnings.”
( Hrafn spins around and walks back
up the runway )
DS : “Okay… up next is a newcomer…
Ingjaldr the Desecrator.”
Greenmuse : “Ingjaldr is looking
savagely grotesque in his ancient Viking war paint, likely seared onto
his face by the all-powerful finger of Lucifer himself. He accessorizes
this smartly with a bullet belt and a barbaric looking war club--- really
the perfect outfit for a Friday night sacrificial get-together, a band
mate homicidal act, or even a Christian blood drinking Rite, if you’re
in a pinch.”
DS : “One truly unique novelty here
is the way in which Ingjaldr is evilly wearing a dead bird around his neck,
and also the manner in which he has driven nails through the bird’s lifeless
body. Very grim. This must be a terrific conversation piece at crucifix
vandalizations, and also at the family breakfast table.”
( Ingjaldr sashays in a circle and saunters
back down the runway )
DS : “Take a look at this next one.
Now this is really something. On his head, Skeggi the Terrible is wearing
a ghastly helm adorned with authentic human livers. He captures a fashion-with-flair
approach to religious genocide in a custom armor plate, which features
grisly reindeer skin fringe, and a dreadful inlaid pentagram made from
the bloody skull fragments of a former next door neighbor. If this grim
number doesn’t say ‘the children of Thor will sodomize the angels of Light’,
then I don’t know what does. DID YOU SEE THAT? Skeggi the Terrible has
JUST decapitated a member of the audience! I’ll tell you something Greenmuse---
it doesn’t get much tr00er than this.”
Greenmuse : “Boy DS, I’m really
impressed with the way Skeggi the Terrible has taken a perennial favorite
and jazzed it up with human entrails and a nice 34 ½” Godfred sword.
Pay attention, Unholy Warriors. If you bloodthirsty rascals want to be
the life of the plundering crew, this is the look for you.”
DS : “--- and did you notice how
favorable this outfit’s reception is among the women present?”
Greenmuse : “I haven’t seen women
swoon this much since Finnr the Atrocious disemboweled that ram last year
and made small end tables out of it’s carcass.”
DS : “That was indeed one of the
tr00est Viking Black Metal moments I’ve witnessed since I started covering
this fashion expo, Greenmuse. I remember that the women went SO wild, they
sailed off to England, whereupon they massacred, looted and incinerated
an entire Lutheran congregation--- all in the name of Eternal War and Everlasting
Darkness.”
Greenmuse : “Well Skeggi is really
giving Finnr a run for his money this year, DS. The sheer level of tr00ness
we’re witnessing today might very well summon the Midgard Serpent, ushering
in a new Age of Ragnarok, which would be a huge disappointment for avid
beach goers on a global scale.”
DS : “ Well with that having been
said, we’ve just about come to a close here at the DeadShow’s coverage
of the Summer Viking Black Metal fashion lineup. It’s been great having
Greenmuse here with us, and we hope that you’ve really taken in the endless
possibilities of what this summer’s Unholy couture will do for all of us.
I’m going to close out the show with a fantastic piece of music by a now-defunct
band called Immortal. The song is titled “Antarctica”, and it’s one of
my personal favorites. In the meantime, I’ll remind you to avoid those
beaches, flock to the graveyards, and not be the last heathen in your neighborhood
to murder someone with a flying sheep’s head.”
This is the DeadSun, signing off.
( Roll credits, and cue Immortal’s “Antarctica”
)
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