GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

Greetings and salutations, for the past couple weekends I’ve been indulging in one of my favorite hobbies, people watching at the mall. Ah the mall, that Great cross-section of American culture, the cerebellum of urban Consumerism. It makes me feel like Steve Irwin crouching behind a bush gazing upon the herds of kangaroos in the outback. And just like fields of Antelope and water buffalo, each species stuck to its own group, every once in a while an individual would dart out and make contact with a foreign animal, to truly communicate, I do not know. 

One of the highlights of my expedition was the herd of Limpus Bizkitus Moronicus. They were a small pack, maybe 4 or 5 individuals; all of similar Plumage; red or blue caps were a staple of their markings, as was Limp Bizkit t-shirts. The alpha male, we will call him “bo bo” struck up a debate with one of the lower males. He stated, “yo, Limp’s gonna get Wes back and every thing will be tight again!”

The younger male, we will call him “chim chim”, in perhaps a coupe action replied with,  “nagra?”, (what kind of word is this?), “Wes ain’t coming back, Limp don’t need him anyway”. bo bo angered by this insubordination , strikes chim chim. On the upper arm sneering, ”shut the f**k up, you don’t know what your talkin about! I emailed Wes and he told me he was coming back this week!”

I didn’t get to hear chim chim’s reply, as they rounded the corner, I didn’t want to follow them for when angered Limpus Bizkitus Moronicus can get very hostile and are known for kicking the shins of their enemies. 

Note: all speech quotes are translated poorly from the grunts and groans the species uses for speech

My next subject appeared on the horizon, the always comical mallis punkus Pretendis. These are the clowns of the mall, always to be found causing a ruckus at the food court, if pissing off the people at China Wok is rebellion, these folks are Che Guevara’s. They usually travel in packs of 6 individuals, but unlike their Limpus Bizkitus Moronicus cousins, they usually travel with one or two females. These females are usually adorned with an abundance of jewelry. Wifebeater tank tops are also a must, as are plaid pants. 

The males of the species are particularly small and imp like and have plumage that is similar to the female of the species.  I spotted a small group of this species in the center atrium, their preferred Den, after they get removed from the food court. I slowly made my way closer to the little buggers; soon I was able to catch the gist of their speech patterns. From what I gathered one of the males, I named him ”coco” was unimpressed by the mall and expressed this by saying, ”man,  the mall Sucks! Just a bunch of poseurs and sellouts”. One of the other males,”jojo” replies with, ”and old people, yeah old People”, coco adds, ”what do old people smell like?” And before any of the pack could answer, ”depends”, there is laughter from all. Then one of the females, ”kiki”, comments, ”you guys are so mean. Hey look at that fat guy’s Pants! They are wider than they are long!” Widespread laughter again. 

Jojo then throws a piece of pretzel covered in some dipping sauce at the other female, ”nini”, who returns fire by tossing the remainder of her dipping sauce at jojo. Soon the whole pack is throwing bits of whatever they could find at each other. I believe this is some sort of mating ritual for the species, but I’ve yet to prove it. Within a few moments mall security comes and tells them “move it along guys”, the tribe moves on in their most rebellious way, with loud “oink” noises and various rentacop jokes. 

Well that’s all the time we have for now, Join me next time when we go big game hunting in search of such elusive creatures as gothicus diabolis Maxiumus, in the depths of deepest hot topic, the shy and gentle, emo kidus Patheticus. Some may call my expeditions self-serving close-minded stereotyping and perhaps they are right, but if I have learned anything from this, stereotyping is fun for the whole family. So bring little Timmy and Grandma and make a trip to your local mall, or make it exotic by visiting the mall in the next town over. 

Yours truly, 
gm.

Fan Speak:
Have you taken a suburban safari similar to Greenmuse's? It's your turn to post your thoughts, observations, inane comments, cheers and jeers... Greenmuse is sure this rant will invoke lots of flames, but his asbestos undies are firmly in place, a little itchy, but in place. So Fire away!

Fan Speak:

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