GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

What’s it going to be then, eh? Its a known fact 2002 was a horrible year for music, perhaps the worst we've seen yet. As the cliché goes, it’s only going to get worse. Supposedly rap/metal is on its way out. Good we should all gather about to hold hands to piss on its collective grave. Though I fear it may not go out without a fight. 2002 had a huge variety of stars, all of whom are a disgrace to music in general. So I thought it would sort of fun to look into the proverbial crystal ball to see what might lay in wait for these beloved musicians, lets start with one of the more annoying ones, Nelly

Nelly will spend his entire career trying to recapture the magic that "it’s getting hot in here" had, he will produce a few really bad knock off of it such as "there’s no more band aids in here" and "it’s getting warm in here". All will fail miserbly. Kinda like Sir Mix-a-lot and his series of rump related material. Nelly will melt into obscurity, reemerging a few years afterwards announcing he has purchased a small part of Wyoming for use as a one hit wonder preserve community, with a special has been block for the people who get lucky and score a few big hits. Stumped for a name, Nelly will decide to call his city, Nellyville after his most successful album. Fred durst was among the first to sign up for a home in Nellyville, as was, Ludacris, Sisqo, and the Backstreet Boys, sans Nick Carter, for now Aaron Carter is filling in for him in the Backstreet Boys block. Metallica is rumored to share an efficiency with Ja Rule, as nobody likes them and wishes they would go away. 

Linkin Park, the gods of nu metal, will release 300 remix albums of "Hybrid Theory". All will be more successful than its predecessor. Encouraged by this, Linkin Park finally decides to release a new album, with entirely new songs. Thus bringing the ax to their own necks, their disenfranchised fans expecting more of the same from the band. Shun the band for being sellouts and releasing something new. Linkin Park soon open up a string of parks throughout the world, were dogs and children can romp about for hours on end. But soon the Linkin Parks Metro Park System is shook by controversy, the famously green grass that resides in the parks is found to be fertilized from the unclaimed remains of hobos. Bringing the end to all things Linkin Park

Jennifer Lopez will split with Ben Afleck, go on to have relationships with Rosie O’donnell, Patrick Ewing, Lyle Lovett, Fat Joe, Fat Mike, Gordon Elliot, Emril Lagasse, Bill Clinton, George Clinton, Bobby Trendy, Avril Lavinge, Kid Rock, all of the Hanson Brothers, Kid N Play, Woody Allen, Michael Douglas, Hank Hill, Tom Selleck, Bo Jackson, Cool And His Gang, Lars Ulrich, Carson Daly, and this will be in the first 3 months of 2003. 

Kelly osbourne- Sharon will keep paying people off to put Kelly on tv, until finally the masses are brainwashed into thinking Kelly is the greatest thing before, or after sliced bread. Kelly will become so powerful she has Ozzy, Sharon, and Jack imprisoned, and will set herself up as empress of the world. Soon there will be giant pictures of her on every bridge, tall building, dam, toilet, and what have you, sort of like China and chairman Mao, but chairman Mao has a lot more sex appeal, and probably a better singing voice than Kelly. Global Kellyism will rule for as long 100 years. From its ashes may come something new, perhaps Jackism, which wont be as bad, as he probably wont make "shut up" the national anthem. But might be as bad, the crystal ball goes fuzzy here. I think its rabbit ears need tinkering. 

Avril Lavigne - Avril, will pursue an acting career, as we can all see acting is her forte, much more than "singing" ever will be. She will star in one film, it will be sort of like showgirls, but instead of Vegas showgirls, it will be girl Brit punk band, managed by an evil manager, played by Malcolm Mclaren, who makes her audition in the nude. Actually the whole movie will be sort of like that, senseless nudity with nothing to add to whatever plot would be there. This is the death knell for Avril's career. She returns to Canada in 
disgrace. A few years later she gets her on show on an access tv channel, it will be a home and cooking show, she will become Canada’s version of Martha Stewart, less evil though. 

After this I dropped the crystal ball and it broke, so I can do no more. Which might be a good thing. One last prediction though, this one comes from my sixth sense, the mullet will make a comeback in 2003. Never since the 70s will it be so rampant. Men women and children will all have them. Gone will be the days when the mullet family spotting is a rare treat. It will become such a trend that the non mullets will now be the subject of numerous crazy people poking fun at them, perhaps one guy might even make a career out of talking about non mullets by writing lots of silly articles about non-mullets. The 
Mullet is coming back, and there is crap all you can do about it!
 

Greenmuse loves to hear from you, post a message below or send him an email at greenmuse@antimusic.com (he does get some rather strange emails from time to time... there was this one from a 14 punker girl who asked him if he wanted to...) 
 

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