He prowled the stage like a terrorist holding an Uzi, holding his audience captors, rather than captive. Kevin Federline’s comedy act at the conclusion of Sunday night’s Teen People’s Choice Awards was the equivalent of being grounded and forced to watch some Televangelist show with your grandparents on a Saturday night at BEST, and at worst, felt like a horror film where you’re shrunk to the size of a gnat, stuck in the bottom of a toilet bowl being crapped upon and then flushed away into a sea of sewage. It was fucking suffocating! I don’t know who K-Fed’s wife had to grease to get that loser a spot on NATIONAL TELEVISION, but whatever it cost her, she would have been better to have paid K-Fed off with it NOT to perform. He could have put the money toward paying his MASSIVE monthly child support bill that I’m sure Britney usually foots. This guy is like an UNCOOL Bobby Brown. Bobby Brown mooches off Whitney as shamelessly as K-FED, but he does so with some style, and at least is MAN ENOUGH to own up to it! Shit, he made a hit reality show off of it! All K-FED and Britney Spears’ reality show did was to establish them as America’s first rich WHITE TRASH POP COUPLE! This douche-bag made Vanilla Ice look like Eminem last night. From a technical vantage point, he had no rhyme skills in terms of word match-ups, no synchopation in his rhyme timing, nothing original to say substantitively, his voice had NO BUSINESS riding over a rap beat, and the beat itself was WACK! The only TALENT on the stage came from his back-up dancers. 

That’s exactly what this hack emcee used to be, and where he should have stayed. He’s a fucking clown, and if last night didn’t put the final nail in this hack’s commercial coffin, I don’t know what will. Moreover, BRITNEY SPEARS’ managers and agents and label reps have to ALL be going NUTS right now about what this does to further erode her already damaged image. Her greatest hits album barely went platinum, and her child endangerment driving episodes in the tabloids haven’t helped either. Even her most ardent supporters and fans have to be scratching their heads right now wondering how in the world she feels this is helpful to the overall well-being of her family’s financial security when she is the sole bread-winner for her children, and that reality doesn’t look to be changing for the next 20+ years to come until her kids are grown. Sure, Britney’s rich as shit, with a reported net worth of upward of $100 Million Dollars, but who knows how much of that K-FED will blow on failure after failure to buy his way into stardom over the next few years. The next money Britney spends on K-FED should be for a therapist who can help him sort through whatever acceptance issues he has psychologically so that he can eventually see he’s only doing further damage to that already fragile insecurity by continuing to put himself in situations where the public will judge him as harshly as his lack of talent commands and demands. It may take years, but it would spare everyone- from Britney in terms of further embarrassment and humiliation to the public getting an already-much needed break from ever having to be tortured by this talentless hack clown Iowa home-boy’s horrid attempts at rapping. 

We have an obligation as good pop culture Samaritans to put this joker out of business once and for all! So PLEASE, PLEASE if you’re a parent and your 12-year-old daughter thinks this guy is hot and listens to, tell her he’s someone the nasty old couple across the street have sex to! Guys, tell your girlfriend you’ll start going to strip clubs instead of sports bars with the guys on Boys Night Out if she doesn’t delete this jack ass’s MP3s from the IPOD. I can’t think of a more useless figure in pop culture since Paris Hilton, and at least she’s hot enough to tolerate watching in a video. I can’t think of a SINGLE redeeming thing to say about this schmuck… I mean, he couldn’t even get a record deal with an INDIE label to release his new album, so he decided to take the ‘Fuck it, I’mma do it myself’ line that rappers claim when no major label considers them viable enough to put money behind releasing a new album. At least in those cases, the rapper has already had a career, this clown is working in reverse of that, finishing before he even starts. That’s honestly the best thing that could happen to all of us, so I hope he loses enough of Britney’s dough pressing and promoting this thing on his own that she gets fed up and cuts up his credit cards. It was truly surreal watching this freak show performance, and if you want further evidence to validate the aforementioned, go to this link and see for yourself. I’m confident you’ll arrive at the only possible conclusion there is to reach over the question of whether K-FED has ANY SHOT at stardom as a rap star: a resounding HELL NO!!! I know I have a habit historically in this column of ripping on WHITE wanna-be rappers, but anything I have said about Fred Durst, Chop on the King of Cars, Paul Wall- I take all of it back in context of how far back this jack ass set white emcees Sunday night. After the show, he told People magazine that “(Britney) was happy, she was proud…We went straight from there and jumped in the Ferrari and took off.” I wouldn’t wish this with a pregnant Britney Spears in his car, but its too bad she wasn’t dropped off, then that K-Fed hadn’t taken off and plowed his car into a wall or something to put us all out of his misery! It sounds tragic, but not as much so as his performance Sunday. 
 
 

Shameless Plug: On August 8th, 2006, Versailles Records released ‘Three Lock Box: A Millennium Tribute to Sammy Hagar’, featuring current/former members of Hanoi Rocks, Skid Row, Lillian Axe, Dio, Saigon Kick, Zebra, Richard Kendrick, Randy Cantor, the RadioVipers, One Bad Son, Marko Pukkila, Chris Catena, Chris Heaven, the Slashtones, and others!!! To learn more, visit www.versaillesrecords.com 

About the author: Jake Brown is owner/operator of Nashville-based Versailles Records and a biographer who has published several books. Click here to more details. 
 

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