Popular Culture Explained

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on the antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

I'm sure you're just like me & find that reading about serious, depressing things happening in some foreign part of the world to people you're not related to is incredibly boring. I just can't feign enough enthusiasm to even read the little blurbs of news about mud slides or the Tsunami on my Fox News home page anymore now that this is in the headlines! Same goes for the war in Iraq. Who cares, honestly, what is going on there, besides the people who hate the U.S. & want us to lose, or someone that knows someone over there? The only kind of depressing news I like, is when it is something from Sillywood. Then it's news that doesn't really matter, and it fills me up just the same. Yay! 2 more adults decide they love themselves too much to hold themselves to a serious commitment they never should have made in the first place. No time like today to set right the wrongs of the past: get the lawyer on the phone, I'm outta here!

I am saddened to report that, oh nevermind. You already know. Forget Asia, ignore Iraq, just let your mind wander away for a few months to the impending unnuptuals and the finger pointing in the death of yet another Hollywood marriage. This one hasn't yet begun to stink, although it has been slowly floating to the surface like yesterday's dead goldfish for some time now. As this soap opera begins to fully unfold, prepare to be blown away by Hurricane Pittiston. Make room for the ravenous shark press, they have an important job to perform. As the garbage men of the sea, they must devour the flesh of the bloated corpse that the marriage now is, fast, before it rots away to nothing, no matter how many times they've tasted this exact same thing before. Then they have to gently vomit it into our eager, open mouths. Mmmm, this is tasty! Thanx Mama Media!

My mom, who is more out of the entertainment loop than I am, was the one who broke the sad news to me. She called me up to tell me that Hollywood's shiniest power couple was over, and that all the news channels were broadcasting that info, some even interrupting the regular news to report this, as if such a thing was newsworthy. After I finished shrieking with laughter, I grilled her for details. What part of the regular news did they leave unread to report on this? Are we talking network, or local news being interrupted? Who won the office pool for predicting the divorce on this date? And most importantly, has the blame game started yet?

How careless of me to forget that the blame game had started months before this astonishing announcement. Just from my biweekly grocery gathering expeditions, thanks to the many colorful & lurid headlines at the checkout stands regarding the marriage problems of two people I don't anticipate ever meeting in my entire life, I know enough about what went wrong that I could be called in as a mediator in this divorce. I'm sure I'll be getting that phone call some time this week, but until then, let me hazard a guess as to what went wrong. Here, for your enlightenment & entertainment, is my humble attempt to dish out made up facts like everyone else, cuz I'm sure it's exactly what people want to read.

1. "Troy" has gotten horrifyingly horrible reviews, making the soon to be ex Mr. Aniston (TSTBXMA) fearful of the mocking reports of the tabloids, and endangering his movie star career. A divorce would mean they all lavish pity on him instead of ridicule, unless of course they get the soon to be ex Mrs. Pitt (TSTBXMP) to give them exclusive interviews, in which case, he'll soon be fighting accusations that he had a habit of molesting their houseplants & kicking their dog every time he got frustrated about rehearsing his lines when his favorite TV show was on.

2. The "Friends" TV series is over, I'm pretty sure. This means TSTBXMP no longer has a way to make sure people think about her every week, which is career suicide for a TV star. A good, sensational divorce would remedy this, with a job offer following the public outpouring of support for her, unless of course the tabs talk TSTBXMA into giving them exclusive interviews, in which case she'll soon be fighting accusations that she was a lazy whore who slept every day till noon, beat the illegal child servants she kidnapped from Mexico for cheap labor until they were bloody, and even blinded one in a 'mommy dearest' type rage over her dresses not being alphabetically categorized according to what month they appeared in the pages of the mags.

3. It's really all her fault. They are breaking up because her sloppy coven always left black candle wax all over the sheets & Brad finally had enough.

4. It's really all his fault. His conversion to being head environmental wacko on their block meant that he replaced all of their flush toilets throughout the mansion with Biolet composting toilets, and she was tired of being the one who always had to add the peat moss & 'mulch' the garden with the resulting effluent. Great job, Jen! I'm sure Brad & the environment appreciated your thankless task!

See that? It's either 2 people behaving like little bee bees who refuse to set their egos aside to work on something greater than either one of them separately, or it's all a mad headline grabbing stunt. Whichever explanation makes you feel superior to them, that's the reason you should cite when you wallow in their marital misery in order to forget your own. Either B&J are not really getting a divorce, or everyone heading in this direction needs to grow up. Just because they had a common goal of being the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question one day doesn't mean they are all that different from you & your spouse, in whatever miserable state your marriage is in. If the pretty people are willing to abandon their status as King & Queen of Hollywood, risking people no longer being able to say "Brad & Jen" without including their last names, maybe normal people should give their own marriage the critical eye they usually reserve for that of the plight of the rich & famous.

But enough of that seriousness, back to the cotton candy! Dry your tears, you gullible masses who were honestly surprised by this announcement because "They used to look so happy together!" Be comforted in the knowledge that at least B&J are ecstatic about all the buzz & hype over the details of their dissolving marriage being broadcast as it gets scavenged by media vultures, to feed us privacy raping strangers. Mama Media is nurturing us with all the info we want, which will help us get through this painful & difficult time. As soon as B&J are satisfied that their point has been made, I promise you that they will frisk off to the Cote d'Azure for a second honeymoon & get work on conceiving that baby the tabloids promise they want. So don't be shocked at this astonishing divorce news, don't be so depressed that you call in sick & contemplate taking too many sleeping pills. The helpful hourly updates in the press will guide us & comfort us! So rejoice!

Slam the lid on that trunk of doubts, and watch, listen & learn. Hang out in your living room or wherever you keep your news source for the latest chapters in this fascinating saga. As you ogle their evolving life's story, don't give yourself a hard time for being a nosy aficionado of an accident site. Don't ask yourself if this is any of your business. Train wrecks, people getting field sobriety tests at high noon, strangers arguing in person or on their cell phones are very interesting spectator sports to seek out, in order to become a more informed citizen of the modern world. What will you talk to your friends about, if not the latest news from the pop culture front? And just being able to spout headlines isn't enough. If you want to be witty & well informed, you need to know lots of stuff, just like me! If you don't know stuff, just make it up! That's what I've done for most of this article, and look how nicely it's turning out!

Since publicity is what celebs with little talent crave, you should feel good about your efforts to inform everyone about every event in the lives of all the glittery, shiny people you don't know. Jayson Blair & many deadline pressed writers make things up as a matter of course, and no one cares. Anyway, you are secretly pleasing the pretty people with your relentless curiosity, your phony tidbits. Maybe some lie you tell will even lead them to be offered better film parts. The more high profile they become, the more demand swells for them! What else can explain Carmen Electra, or Paris Hilton, who are famous for nothing at all? This is exactly what being a big famous star is all about- having a huge following of people who know as much about them as their doctor does. (Speaking of Jen's doctor, I'm planning to post for sale the results of her preggo test from last fall that I dug out of their garbage. It'll be on E-bay as soon as I look up the weird medical condition her doc scribbled all over her test results. As soon as I get that listed, you antiFans will be the first to know!)

Now get out there & help B&J through this novelty that a Hollywood divorce is by learning all you can about what's going on & burn up the internet with the details! Thank you for your support!

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