In accordance with federal legislation
prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle
to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary
to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your
new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity
that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what
to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly
Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the
time, just like me!
As always the views expressed
by the writer do not neccessarily reflect the views of antiMUSIC or the
iconoclast entertainment group .
McBling
McDonalds Stock prices tumble, as CEO declares
intention to file bankruptcy!
A Dolly Exclusive!!
With a heavy heart I report that the future
of the greatest restaurant on the planet of becoming uncertain. Within
minutes of the antiMusic report of McD sinking 80 million bucks in hiring
corporate whore P. Diddy to design new uniforms for McD, McD announced
their intention to file for bankruptcy as stock prices plummeted. A McD
spokesman I considered talking to probably would laugh at the news of this
underhanded merger, as he might then insist that tricking inner city kids
into thinking they look hip as they labor over a fryer vat at a dead end
job makes good economic sense.
What message does Sean John’s $200 tracksuits
& $60 polo shirts scream out? Street credible balla or urban teen predator?
Truly, ever since the Nabisco & RJ Reynolds merger made cynics out
of animal cracker fans everywhere, this corporate marriage breaks records
for perfection based on the secret mission statements of both organizations.
Former cynics have had their faith in similar commercial alliances affirmed
for the first time in 20+ years.
The image McD’s hopes to sell through their
new gangsta line o’ McBling is the ever popular, ‘gimme yo’ cash or I’ll
jack you, beeyotch’ rather than the less popular former one, ‘I’m working
my way through college’. With a uniform makeover, McDs hopes that
the young urban kids that work at McD that used to seem unfailingly polite
will now act in a more pleasingly stereotypical fashion. Not only will
this be more in conformity to the pimps & playas McD hopes to attract
in greater numbers, but this will additionally add a tourist attraction
type feel for the millions of thrill seeking wanna bes from the ‘burbs
who look to this culture for cool things to emulate. A new McPosition has
opened up as a result of this uniform remodel, the corn row mistress, to
help further McD’s street cred among potential employees.
McD continues to show their concern over
the plight of inner city kids, as they seek to reach out to them with their
nutritious, wholesome fare. Their quest to implant in rap songs lectures
about the McD way to health & satiety has garnered much critical praise
& acclaim from critics the world over, especially from me. The shrewd
suits at McD, who merely tried to express their desire to fit in well in
the inner city through this move seemed quite surprised by the backlash
to the Sean John clothing line announcement. They didn’t consider this
announcement to be racist, since P. Diddy is behind it, after all. The
corporate juggernaut has spent millions analyzing & targeting the apparel
& lifestyle of urban kids, and their impressive data they’ve acumulated
will help generations yet to come. McD has decided that they don’t merely
want to sell the lucrative African American market their three meals a
day; they want them sucked into the McD lifestyle, through endless years
working there. They also plan to open a gift shop, complete with a full
service garage in order to pimp tha ridez of customers looking for a more
customized dining experience.
In spite of these jack booted strides through
the ghetto, McD still doesn’t feel this target demographic is being pitched
at selectively enough. They are presently in talks with MC Hater to craft
an ad campaign that would perfectly sum up how McD views this section of
the population. Tentatively entitled the ‘Yo, since yo’ ain’t goin’ ta
college, might as well flip bergerz, yo! Then you can eat for less cash!’
the new ad campaign is set to roll out this fall, in time for kids to drop
out of school. McD had rejected the idea of offering scholarships, because
as one unidentified insider claimed, “then we lose all around! No one with
a college degree is going to seek out employment here, they know betta!”
A McD spokeswoman I actually spoke to told
me that presently a typical McD uniform costs the company about $30. She
was surprised to hear this announcement, and wondered why McD has hidden
such an exciting press release from its suburban workers. She then expressed
her optimistic excitement about the day when the kids in her employ would
come to work gleaming in their LED belt buckles, carrying their McD personalized
dog tags proudly. She anxiously awaits the new cup dispensers that are
to be installed, so the new large size pimp cups wont have their rhinestones
scraped off any longer by the standard dispensers that are set to be replaced
this month. The new uniforms are thought to cost about $100 each, and will
be given only to those who show enough formulaic excellence in inner city
style to be credible when attired in this fashion.
That is, assuming the reorganization pays
off & somehow McDs can stay solvent till then. An across the board
price increase to pay for P. Diddy & the new uniforms is to start
Monday, with the ‘value meals’ now starting at $7.99 and drink pricing
becoming more in line with movie theater prices.
Words of week.
detritus:
the remains of something that has been destroyed or broken up 2) McDonalds
after they changed their fries 3) McDonalds lame attempt to latch onto
hip-hop culture. "I'm hate'n it!"
deleterious:
Having a harmful effect; injurious. 2) p.diddy's attempt at music 3) McDonalds
as health food.
poseur:
One who affects a particular attribute, attitude, or identity to impress
or influence others. 2) p.diddy
p.diddy: p.shiddy 2) talentless
hack 3)fame and wealth grabber with no apparent talent
'Cuz I spent a hundred thousand on weapons, clothes, and pimping my ride, completely forgetting about food and rent. So I just buy solidified (mostly) grease at the local fast food restaurant, because the people in the posters listen to rap music!
Posted by SPIM:
Mickey's is goin down, peeps. Wendy's is ready to unleash da ultimate wigga critta on yo azzez. He be the Vanilla Gorilla. Think of all the despicable racist ish you've ever seen, like those Al jolson dolls or those little black dudes with a lantern in their hand that racist whiteys would have at the entrance of their driveways. Think of Stymie! Well you roll them all into one and you get the Vanilla Gorilla! The worst caricature of racism ever known, but it's cool, cause he's white. Square as the burgers, yo.
Posted by GREENMUSE:
ronald mcbling-ha ha ha.i swore id never eat mcdonalds again after the little featurette on supersize me that displayed how mcdonalds food doesnt decay naturally.the fries went like 32 weeks or so with no mold or any sign of decay until they were mistakenly tossed out.i belive they would last forever.i know i found some fries under the seat of my car.i know i had it for a year and never ate in it..
Posted by BUTCH :
...mcdonalds makes me mcsick...meanwhile, dolly mcslays.
Posted by Ronald McBling:
Yo! It'za me, Ronald McBling, the NEW McD Mascot clown! New McPlaya in tha house, yo! Droppin' 40s and shiznit on yo ass, beotch!
Posted by GREENMUSE:
finally,i hate getting my pimp chalice scuffed up by those normal disepensors.being that mine obviously has emeralds around the rim that read"green 4 life".i like keeping it nice.
