Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

ARMIN MEIWES is PISSED and he's coming for you!! By Dolly Doppelganger

What kind of society do we live in when a perfectly ordinary cannibal gets locked up for eight and a half years for merely following orders? What kind of sick predators would prey on him in his jail cell, cold heartedly ignoring his sad plight, ruthlessly exploiting him in their attempt to profit from his misery? What makes this story most tragic & tear jerking is that and not even one person shared any of the fortune they made as a result of their illegal profiteering.

This classic crime saga, ripped straight from the pages a Mother Goose fairy tale all started when my dear friend & former nanny Armin Meiwes inadvertently found himself sucked into the confusing world of internet cannibal chat rooms, a mistake any of us could make. Before he knew what was happening, he found himself being kidnapped, robbed of his freedom & crushed under the wheels of the German court system, judged for his unusual tastes & condemned for his interesting hobby. A travesty of justice occurred, when Armin was sentenced to actual jail time for merely doing what he was politely asked to do in advance. I will never own a German car as a result of this judicial miscarriage! (Unless of course, they make them bigger or cheaper.) That is the least I can do to protest this ill treatment of the most radical culiniguist since Wolfgang Puck introduced crab grass & martini flavored sushi pizzas.

Anyway, first the Rammstein song attracted his ire. Like those rich squillionaires couldn't have thought of anything else to sing about, they had to pick on my boy?! Why not sing about the Autobahn or about BMWs or some other German landmark of interest to American markets? Boo hoo, life as a rock star must be rough, recording studio time is so expensive! Songs are so hard to write, WAH!! Imagine having to fight off rats for your sharpened toothbrush! Imagine time in solitary confinement that's so lonely that you have to structure your time so that you don't do all your interesting things in ten minutes- so you have to alternate your cockroach watching time with your 'word a day' letter reading marathons! If those Rammstein guys had sent poor old AM some commissary money to show their appreciation, or maybe they could have had a frozen cadaver sent to his cell with some hot sauce & ranch dressing he wouldn't have been forced to sue them,! But naturally, in true selfish rock star fashion, they snub the little person that did so much for them & pole vaulted them to fame & fortune!

Then Hollywood, seeing that a cash cow had been identified & raped with no negative ramifications, decides to make a movie out this doomed love story. Ooops, no one thought to ask Meiwes if he wanted to make a cameo in it! No thought was given to if they could shoot in the actual prison, and have the actual REAL LIFE STAR be in the movie! 'Course not! Hire some non- famous German guy to be a fake cannibal, yeah, like that's gonna be more convincing than decorating the prison like a movie set, shooting the entire thing in there & giving all the inmates jobs as grips & best boys & whatever other nepotism inspired positions float around a big budget movie! Instead of Meiwes getting to be not only an international celebrity as well as a hero around the prison for getting everybody jobs that might have paid as much as $.50 an hour, he gets to be the whiny Metallica- like inmate, suing everybody and their brother. Pure evil, those Hollywood types! To protest, I'm also NEVER going to buy a car made in Hollywood! Or a car made by Rammstein, come to think of it! They get enough money exploiting the poor suckers who intrigue them, I hope they all end up getting preyed on by cannibals! Hey, when does AM get released from prison, anyway? I bet he'll be MIGHTY hungry once he gets out, and all you profiteers better WATCH IT!!

Words of week.

athirst: adj : (usually followed by `for') extremely desirous; "athirst for knowledge"; "hungry for recognition"; "thirsty for informaton"

esurient: extremely hungry; "fell into the esurient embrance of a predatory enemy"

herbivorous: Feeding on plants; plant-eating.