Elucidation of Popular Culture

In accordance with federal legislation prohibiting discrimination, after a lengthy & expensive legal battle to prevent me from contributing a monthly column presenting views contrary to all antiMusic represents, I am pleased to announce the launch of your new favorite feature on antiMusic: a lone voice of sanity in the insanity that's antiMusic, the place where you can come for reliable advice on what to think, the Veridical Polemic a.k.a. "I'm Always Right" column with Dolly Doppelganger! Read my words and obey them if you want to be right all the time, just like me!

ed note: Dolly submitted this as a review and after our lawyers were done examining it for causable action they suggested we run it as an editorial since what you are about the read is 100% opinion. So put on your spandex, crank up some "Cherry Pie" cheese and enjoy

A Dolly meditation, featuring the longest title known in the annals of AntiMusic reviewing history:

[title start]Warrant: sheer musical blissfulness so soothingly indescribable that it’s akin to falling asleep after a delicious meal that someone else paid for in a warm pool of warm water in the warm sun, without the fear & reality of drowning or being cannonballed, because an invisible force field protects you as a white unicorn looks on approvingly, ready to thrust his razor sharp rapier- like horn into any bad guys that would dare to come near your watery sanctuary of slumber and warm bliss and stab you and steal the diamonds you have in such abundance that you have taken to feeding them to your polo pony just like the chick in the ad of the Fall Fashion issue of Bazaar magazine appears to be doing, though I can't remember exactly what she was advertising or why anyone would feed their horse pearls or diamonds or whatever she was doing, though I would like to be the vet that treated the horse later that day, wouldn’t you? And anyway, apparently two purses and big, gay belts for the guys are going to be some aspects of the fashion trends this fall, as usual AntiMusic is the most fashionable force on the internet, everyone should take a minute and write Keavin a thank you email so he knows he is appreciated for his efforts here on your behalf. [title end]

After listening to Warrant on the radio, I was so inspired to write a review to top all reviews, one magnificent in it's pathos, swelling with grandiosity, irresistible in its cheesiness, that reads like Accept & the 80s sound. I have struggled nobly to include every sweeping adjective & archaism I could find in my quest to scour dictionary.com for everything pertaining to words no one has ever used in reviews before & put into print the sheer incrediblitude of the band Warrant and their new album, "Born Again", a musical documentary about how all of them became Christians & learned how to remake 80s music to top all 80s music. I present to you, your victors, the defeaters of that ruthless bitch time, shoppers of discernment & fancy, WARRANT!

As you no doubt learned while toiling away in search of your elusive MBA from business school, true craftsmen labor for generations, oblivious to the unstoppable march of time, the contemporary circumstances culture thrusts upon their peers, ignoring their weary backs, their aching hands, their drug fried brains, their out of date aqua net & black eyeliner and anything else that would keep them from fulfilling their destiny. True artisans search tirelessly for that effervescent yet palpable vapor of the best music on planet earth, BAR NONE, that is known only to them, locked helplessly in their CD quality memory cavity, fighting to get out & edify nations with the knowledge of everything that is good & perfect & totally desirable. True craftsmen, though they have suffered torture it is illegal for me to write about in their wrestling with destiny, so extreme were its manifestations that John McCain ordered a congressional inquiry into this torture to make sure it fell under Geneva conventions, labor on REGARDLESS! Such artistry not only takes generations, but it is prohibitively costly- unfortunately making this CD the most expensive on the planet.  I regret to inform you that even after mortgaging our house a 4th time, stealing from the neighbors and selling two of my children on E-Bay at a steep discount, I will never be able to own this CD. 

But enough about me, Back to Warrant! Imagine the challenges they faced in writing this CD (which retails for $7,548,729,741,087,852.83)- the passage of much time, years of being haunted so bad they'd pee the bed in their terror of getting up at night & walking around a dark house after excruciating nightmares slowly reminding them in exaggerated detail of the hellish fleetingness of their own fame, and saddest of all,  their own flaccid attempts in the past to bring sonic perfection to the table of their starving fans, many of whom died in hunger and  agony, after chewing their own ears off in futile, desperate, unsatiated hopelessness. The craftsmen of Warrant never let go of their determination to show the fickle she devil fame that their detesting of their own anonymity is with a passion rivaling a bear in heat for intensity and they will wrestle her to the ground & choke her till she turns blue, then kick her in the face & dislocate her larynx, even if they end up in prison charged with attempted murder & assault.  And after all that, they release a CD too costly for the record buying public. Irony, thy name is Warrant!

These craftsmen beyond compare have spent the last 25+ years in the studio, and this album is their 300000000000-foot high monument to all that was excellent from the time when music was real & it all had a hairstyle that stood 2 feet above the wearers' eyebrows. After destroying, remaking, destroying again, remaking, destroying, remaking, destroying yet again attempt after attempt, the pursuers of perfection we know as Warrant have succeeded in identifying, isolating and packaging for us that endless loop of music that has schizophrenically been playing in their head all their lives. [reference to a sue-happy cult removed] The craftsmen of Warrant channeled all of their crazy energy into making the most wonderful, best, shining example of mental illness being helped by vitamins exercise & music to date. Their search for the haunting beautifulness that once defined them as musicians extraordinaire only made Warrant stronger, without the help of steroids or shrinks! Though this hunt would have driven lesser men to murder, Warrant continues to show the general public that their DNA is vastly different from the DNA of your average lunatic. 

In order for you to fully appreciate the historical nature of this album they have released, (which i have only heard one song of due to their extreme busy-ness, no doubt their release of this has resulted in their inundation by a crush of fans rabid to assault them & mob them & not leave them alone for the time it takes them to mail Keavin a CD for review, -I'm not mad! I know it must have been an oversight & prolly your pub is licking the stamp to mail the CD as i write this!) Hearken back while we wait together for the postman to deliver, to a distant time before many of the bands of today were learning to reach into their loaded diapers & smear themselves with their own feces as a hobby rather than as an art form. It was into this setting that the greatest, most beautiful, most brilliant force of musical perfection in nature known as Warrant surveyed their domain from the very heights of the land, soaked in their own excellence that was so great it needed a room of its own at the Holiday Inn. 

The musical prodigies listened to all the music of the day, becoming cultural experts on this musical form known to sociologists as "hair metal" so much so that they all received honorary PhDs in Metal Knowing from Harvard University! Again & again, every ivy league college in existence around the world sought after them to speak, to teach, to try to help mold the next generation & steer the direction of the music to the much more pleasing form than was threatening to take over. 

Then came the fateful day that destroyed Warrant's musical life & cruelly ripped away their only source of income. The details are too shocking to be ever printed or uttered aloud. All musical reviewers are forced to take an oath of secrecy upon hiring, regarding the actual events that transpired back in those dim, distant days. All I can safely tell you is that the Illuminati & the NSA feature prominently in the true story & that if i say any more on this topic, I will be assassinated in such a way that even people who hear about it will go into convulsions & die from infection by flesh eating bacteria.

Back to the one song I heard. Remember Accept? Remember the 80s? Yeah. Warrant's album is so powerful it has the effect of making time stand still. Buy it today, it's cheaper than Botox!
 

Word of week. 

menschenfleischpsychose : menschenfleischpsychose is a real phobia, but it's a German word & phobias are written in Latin, so i couldn't find mention of it anywhere on the internet. I found that word in a book & it made me laugh so hard i almost died. It was a new phobia, came into existence after Fritz Haarmaan the "Hanover Vampire" was arrested & charged with grotesque crimes, turned out he was selling or giving away flesh he had butchered from homeless men & little boys & a wave of this really funny phobia swept Germany in the early 1920s & I guess then disappeared when that generation all died out, which is why i couldn't find it anywhere on the internet. it means "the irrational fear of eating meat that turns out to be human". if someone breaks it down into its parts, "menschen fleisch psychose" & sticks it on bablefish, it sez something close, like human meat psychose.   See my Breaking Benjamin review for the proper use of this term. 
 

Your turn. 

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