Funny thing happened on the way to Microsoft Word today; I drew a complete blank.

I didn’t have a thing to say.

Nothing.  Not a thing.

And it wasn’t writer’s block or anything nearly as romantic as that.  Nope, it was a complete systems overload.

Sometimes there’s so much stupidity in the world that it’s overwhelming.

These days I feel like an Ethiopian at an all-you-can-eat buffet; I don’t know where to start first.

So rather than one single rave today, let’s do a laundry list, shall we? 

And away we go:

Britney Spears got engaged?  Well, tell me where the happy couple is registered and I’ll pick up a toaster for them.  Of course, this is an awful lot of trouble for Britney to go through just to try and make me jealous. (I got money says that Christina Agua-whatever-the-hell-her-name-is will wed one of her background dancers faster than you can say, Madonna! No tongue! No tongue!  Ewwww!)

Kelly Osbourne is going for a more 80’s flavor with her next album?  Yeah, right.  The only flavor Kelly Osbourne looks like she’s going for is found on a menu at Baskin & Robbins.  Now be a good girl and do something with that hair, help your mom around the house and shut the hell up, please.  (And while you’re at it, would you slap your brother for me?  Thanks, honey.  You’re a doll.)

The lead singer of Saliva is pissed at the lead singer of Nickelback because he got screwed out of money for the song Hero?  Come on, girls, now you’re both pretty…well, on second thought, you’d better reach for your lawyer.  Sucks when you can’t do business on a handshake with a friend, don’t it?  (Times have changed, huh Josie?)

DMX tried to steal a car and claimed to be a federal agent?  Yeah, I can see that.  That makes perfect sense.  The crack they found in the car was pretty much icing on the cake.  Was this really necessary?  At what point did you think this was a good idea?   

Green Day is going to write a Punk Opera?  One about Jesus?  My sides already hurt from laughing.  I can’t believe they said that with a straight face.  Look, the only way Green Day could write a Punk Opera is if the Ramones did it for them.  

Lollapalooza isn’t going to happen?  Who says there’s no God!  Like we needed to see some guy running around a campsite wearing a diaper with ten-pound weights hanging from his nipples while a really bad soundtrack played on in the background. 

David Bowie is too injured to continue his tour?  Listen, Major Tom, take some freakin’ Advil, go sing Young Americans and then go home and count your money.

Courtney Love got yelled at by a judge for being late to court?  Yeah, that oughta learn her, yer Honor.  How about sentencing her to a little public service, like never showing her face in it again?  

Shedaisy scored a hit?  It’s about freakin’ time my girls got a little piece of the pie.  I love these girls – and I mean that in a bended-knee, diamond ring kinda way.  And would someone please tell Kassidy that she needs to get me into her life?  Please?  Pretty please?  (One of you people has to know her.  Hook a brother up, would you?)

Someone from Lord of the Dance was murdered in South Africa?  Why didn’t they just kick them with their flying feets of fury?  (You shoulda listened to Little Steven and stayed the hell away from Sun City.)

Ray Charles, who was a genius on so many levels, has died, and yet Yoko Ono continues to put out albums.  Sometimes it’s all so unfair.  (I still miss Warren Zevon for pretty much the same reason.)

Michael Moore is the new Jerry Lewis in France?  Do I have to remind you people that the French eat frog’s legs and don’t bath?  You’re really gonna trust their judgement on anything?

One of the Olsen twins has anorexia?  No kidding.  I mean, you could practically see the girl’s freakin’ pancreas through her skin.  You think that would have been their first clue.  Someone take her to In & Out for a double-double, stat, ‘cause I don’t want to see her go the way of Karen Carpenter.  

Phish is breaking up?  Who says there’s no God!  Like we needed a bunch of brain-dead summer of love wannabes jamming in the pentatonic major scale ad nauseum.  (I miss Jerry Garcia – see aforementioned reason.)

And one last thing to finish it off here:

Both the surviving members of TLC and INXS are going to replace their dearly departed members with – you guessed it – the winning contestants from a reality show.  That’s right, they’re going to scour the world looking for losers to vote off the island of misfit toys so that they can try and replace an irreplaceable talent with the last mutant standing.

This is wrong on so many levels that it boggles the mind.  It’s a new low.  Just when I thought we couldn’t sink any lower, boom – here we are.  

And if you listen very carefully, you’ll hear something right now.  Shhh.  Listen – do you hear it?

That’s Left Eye and Michael Hutchence spinning in their freakin’ graves over this travesty.

Whew!  Glad I got that off my chest.

That’s my two cents, now gimme my change. 
 

Chuck DiMaria is Los Angeles based musician and antiMUSIC columnist. Check out his website ChuckDiMaria.com for more of his writings, MP3s and more (be sure to read about his adventures in online dating!!)

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