State
of the Alternate Universe Address
By Zardog Byrnes
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[the following comes to
Blog n' Roll from our very own Tim Byrnes. This first appeared on his site,
punk rock blues, in February.]
State of the Alternate Universe
Address
This episode of punk rock blues is written
by Zardog Byrnes, my equivalent in Parallel Dimension X. Yeah, I was looking
for Lester again - my ex landlady’s cousin wouldn’t give me a refund on
my last attempt to interview the man in the great beyond, but after much
badgering from yours truly, begrudgingly comped me another attempt. Went
through a lot less hoodoo than last time; some harpsichord music, a few
black light spin cycles behind my eyelids and, shazam, I’m suddenly the
Golden Retriever in one of those ‘dogs playing poker’ tapestries in a basement
in a small town in what felt like America, but was Parallel Dimension X.
Somehow I just knew this so now, so do you.
Lying open on a table directly under the
wall upon which I was hanging was a copy of a magazine. A close look at
the top of one page told me it was a magazine called Strolling Crone and
the page it was open to was a column by Zardog Byrnes, apparently a well
respected music writer in this Dimension. Cool, I thought and read on.
This is what it said.
How Goes This Rock and Roll, Stranger?
It’s time to take a beak from dissecting
the huge rock bands (Sonic Youth, Sleater-Kinney, My Bloody Valentine,
Paul Westerberg etc), as well as the lesser known (Bon Jovi, Britney Spears,
Creed, Blink 182 etc) as individuals and try to take a look at the big
picture. What exactly does rock and roll mean to us, the Unified Nations
of Earth, in the year 198lunchpail? What do we get from this music, invented
by Little Richard (some things never change, huh?) and handed down through
the ages, the flame kept and cultivated by hands of genius until it shone
for us all?
Healing, for one thing. Tapping into the
audiowavestream rays, discovered by Professor Eno in the early ‘headlamps
was the first step to the total enlightenment we enjoy today. Before we
as a human race learned that both live and recorded music contained these
AWS rays which are as essential to our spiritual well being as air is to
our physical survival, music was seen as entertainment at best and a controlled,
calculated means for some to amass much larger amounts of wealth than others
at worst.
Can you imagine?
Upon this discovery, of course, the ‘pop’
and ‘rock’ worlds were shaken to the core. The mindless fluff and it’s
stultifying effect on us was revealed as the crass and hateful deception
we should have always known it was but, better late than never I always
say. Once the genie was out of the bottle, it was inevitable that the spirit
of this new rock and roll, this pure rock and roll, would exert it’s influence
on the world stage. Nationalism and Religion, 2 anachronistic terms loosely
meaning "my patch of land can beat up your patch of land" and "my imaginary
dad can beat up your imaginary dad" respectively, fell by the wayside under
the onslaught of obvious truth of the message encoded somehow in the AWS
rays. The message you felt rather than heard spoke the same to everyone.
We felt it: g/"We are all one. Take care of each other. It’s not that difficult
and it goes like this...." Which, of course, was followed by the sensation
of all creation running through your veins at once. It made your back bone
slip.
Along with the dissolution of the notions
of nations and gods came the realization that we could do anything! We
could have bases on the moon as well as feed the planet. We could make
life so fair and equitable that nobody needed to do drugs, commit crimes,
cheat their neighbor or fell superior or afraid. The Peoples Commission
for the Enrichment of All Earthlings was soon founded, based on a continually
revolving panel of co-ordinators who created the Celebrate Dark and Light
Concert Series we’ve enjoyed these last 100 years. Commissioner Bono declared
music to be an inalienable right for Earthlings and established Radio Free
Kiosks across the world, where all the music ever recorded plays continually
in alphabetical order on 5,365 different channels, each channel starting
with a different letter, so all music is always available for everyone.
This process also helped break down the ancient barrier of the ‘genre’,
where music was segmented by style. Radio Stations back then would pick
the
narrowest definition for music (obscure ‘categories’ like C&W, R&B,
Hip-Hop, Rap, Soul, Rock, Classic Rock, Soft-Rock, Hard Rock, something
called AOR, Alternative, Punk, Jazz etc.) and then would play absolutely
nothing that didn’t fit the most ridiculously arbitrary rules imaginable,
Constraints like this, much like Nationalism, eventually divided even the
most ardent music lover, threatening our last, best chance as a race to
evolve to the levels of today.
Once the AWS Rays worked their wonders,
the world realized that rock and roll was the only model that we, as a
planet, needed to follow to realize our own potential. The rock and roll
archetype is one who believes in themselves and what they have to offer
so much, that they will face any obstacle and simply will not be denied.
We simply took that energy and applied it to all the things that had been
poisoning our collective soul. The rush of hearing that first power chord
was finally a tangible thing, a tool as important to Earthkind as fire
was to our noble ancestors. We simply took that energy and applied it to
our efforts, making the job of restructuring a world society from the ground
up feel like nothing but a party.
So, if I were to meet an alien, or a trans-dimensional
traveler hiding in my "Dogs Playing Poker" tapestry and he/she/it asked
me "How goes this rock and roll, stranger?", I would say that it goes straight
to the pure heart of the matter. Doesn’t it?
