Rock Blogs from antiMUSIC's staff. State of the Alternate Universe Address By Zardog Byrnes

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[the following comes to Blog n' Roll from our very own Tim Byrnes. This first appeared on his site, punk rock blues, in February.]

State of the Alternate Universe Address

This episode of punk rock blues is written by Zardog Byrnes, my equivalent in Parallel Dimension X. Yeah, I was looking for Lester again - my ex landlady's cousin wouldn't give me a refund on my last attempt to interview the man in the great beyond, but after much badgering from yours truly, begrudgingly comped me another attempt. Went through a lot less hoodoo than last time; some harpsichord music, a few black light spin cycles behind my eyelids and, shazam, I'm suddenly the Golden Retriever in one of those �dogs playing poker' tapestries in a basement in a small town in what felt like America, but was Parallel Dimension X. Somehow I just knew this so now, so do you.

Lying open on a table directly under the wall upon which I was hanging was a copy of a magazine. A close look at the top of one page told me it was a magazine called Strolling Crone and the page it was open to was a column by Zardog Byrnes, apparently a well respected music writer in this Dimension. Cool, I thought and read on. This is what it said.

How Goes This Rock and Roll, Stranger?

It's time to take a beak from dissecting the huge rock bands (Sonic Youth, Sleater-Kinney, My Bloody Valentine, Paul Westerberg etc), as well as the lesser known (Bon Jovi, Britney Spears, Creed, Blink 182 etc) as individuals and try to take a look at the big picture. What exactly does rock and roll mean to us, the Unified Nations of Earth, in the year 198lunchpail? What do we get from this music, invented by Little Richard (some things never change, huh?) and handed down through the ages, the flame kept and cultivated by hands of genius until it shone for us all?

Healing, for one thing. Tapping into the audiowavestream rays, discovered by Professor Eno in the early �headlamps was the first step to the total enlightenment we enjoy today. Before we as a human race learned that both live and recorded music contained these AWS rays which are as essential to our spiritual well being as air is to our physical survival, music was seen as entertainment at best and a controlled, calculated means for some to amass much larger amounts of wealth than others at worst.

Can you imagine?

Upon this discovery, of course, the �pop' and �rock' worlds were shaken to the core. The mindless fluff and it's stultifying effect on us was revealed as the crass and hateful deception we should have always known it was but, better late than never I always say. Once the genie was out of the bottle, it was inevitable that the spirit of this new rock and roll, this pure rock and roll, would exert it's influence on the world stage. Nationalism and Religion, 2 anachronistic terms loosely meaning "my patch of land can beat up your patch of land" and "my imaginary dad can beat up your imaginary dad" respectively, fell by the wayside under the onslaught of obvious truth of the message encoded somehow in the AWS rays. The message you felt rather than heard spoke the same to everyone. We felt it: g/"We are all one. Take care of each other. It's not that difficult and it goes like this...." Which, of course, was followed by the sensation of all creation running through your veins at once. It made your back bone slip.

Along with the dissolution of the notions of nations and gods came the realization that we could do anything! We could have bases on the moon as well as feed the planet. We could make life so fair and equitable that nobody needed to do drugs, commit crimes, cheat their neighbor or fell superior or afraid. The Peoples Commission for the Enrichment of All Earthlings was soon founded, based on a continually revolving panel of co-ordinators who created the Celebrate Dark and Light Concert Series we've enjoyed these last 100 years. Commissioner Bono declared music to be an inalienable right for Earthlings and established Radio Free Kiosks across the world, where all the music ever recorded plays continually in alphabetical order on 5,365 different channels, each channel starting with a different letter, so all music is always available for everyone. This process also helped break down the ancient barrier of the �genre', where music was segmented by style. Radio Stations back then would pick the narrowest definition for music (obscure �categories' like C&W, R&B, Hip-Hop, Rap, Soul, Rock, Classic Rock, Soft-Rock, Hard Rock, something called AOR, Alternative, Punk, Jazz etc.) and then would play absolutely nothing that didn't fit the most ridiculously arbitrary rules imaginable, Constraints like this, much like Nationalism, eventually divided even the most ardent music lover, threatening our last, best chance as a race to evolve to the levels of today.

Once the AWS Rays worked their wonders, the world realized that rock and roll was the only model that we, as a planet, needed to follow to realize our own potential. The rock and roll archetype is one who believes in themselves and what they have to offer so much, that they will face any obstacle and simply will not be denied. We simply took that energy and applied it to all the things that had been poisoning our collective soul. The rush of hearing that first power chord was finally a tangible thing, a tool as important to Earthkind as fire was to our noble ancestors. We simply took that energy and applied it to our efforts, making the job of restructuring a world society from the ground up feel like nothing but a party.

So, if I were to meet an alien, or a trans-dimensional traveler hiding in my "Dogs Playing Poker" tapestry and he/she/it asked me "How goes this rock and roll, stranger?", I would say that it goes straight to the pure heart of the matter. Doesn't it?

Saving Lives with I-IV-Vs,

Zardog.

You can read more from Tim at Punk Rock Blues.