with DeadSun
You've seen him in Fan Speak all around
the antiMUSIC network, now DeadSun gets his big show as the host of his
very own talk show, The Not Quite-So DeadShow ! Forget Oprah and
Dr. Phil, DeadSun knows how to liven up a talk show.
 .
.
"The
Not-So Dead Dating Game : Fred, Lars, 50 Cent, and Britney Spears"
(Hit stage lights, and cue up Primus'
"Here Come the Bastards" )
Host DeadSun : Ah yes... here come
the bastards INDEED. ( stomping foot ) "Here they come, here come the bastards,
I heard it from a confidant who heard it from a confidant." 'Tis I, the
DeadSun : antiMUSIC's "Bastard Extraordinaire", and you, my little beauties,
have stumbled upon yet another round of the Not Quite-So DeadShow. If you're
new to these parts, and are the sort of person who consistently worries
that the emotional needs of your peers are being compromised, then the
following bit of good, clean family fun is liable to give you health problems.
I don't suck up to hacks, and I don't care how much money the bewildered
herd has thrown away on them. They make their choices, I make mine.
So here we are--- April--- and THIS month,
love is in the air here at the DeadShow. This month, we're putting on a
production called "The Not-So Dead Dating Game". That's right, sparks will
fly as three celebrity suitors will pit their wits against one another
to win the affections of one lucky lady. That is no small task--- and so,
here to help us "get those sparks flying" between this month's contestants---
that's right--- it's the Hobo. Come on out, Hobo...
( Cue up "Kill 'em All" by The Crown
)
DS : "Yesiree--- good times, good
times. It's always a good time to be had when you come on the show, Hobo.
Tell me--- are you ready to amaze the viewing audience, and give away the
DAZZLING prizes that our contestants win?"
Hobo : ( cracking his knuckles,
smirks ) "Oh yeah. They'll get their prizes, mate."
DS : "Heh heh heh... that's just
great. ALRIGHT--- I think it's time we bring out our suitors. Remember,
our female contestant has NO idea who her suitors are, or what they look
like, so we ask that the audience PLEASE not blurt out anything that might
betray their anonymity. Ladies and gents--- introducing Suitor #1..."
( Cue "In Da Club", and enter 50 Cent
)
50 Cent : ( struts out, brandishing
a 9mm and a street roll of $100's ) "BAM, lil' B*TCH--- Fitty Cent 'bout
tah tear da ROOF off 'dis m*thaf*cka. ( starts head nodding to "da phat
beat" ) Yeah... yeah... YEEEAH!"
DS : "Exquisite--- just EXQUISITE."
50 Cent : "Wha'chyoo SAYIN', lil'
CRACKAH? Peep 'dis--- I ain't comin' on no Dead Datin' Game tah huddle
up with yo' PUNK AZZ. Ahm up in 'dis b*tch tah git myself aNOTHA ho fah
mah collection."
DS : ( turns and faces the audience
) "Yeah... uh... for those of you who speak English, I think Fifty just
said--- 'Enough of this informal banter. I am rather anxious to compete
for this lady's affections'.
50 Cent : ( nodding ) "Now ya feelin'
me, dawg."
DS : ( back to the audience ) "Now
let's bring out Suitor #2!"
( Cue "Sweet Amber", and enter Lars
Ulrich )
Lars : "Hey dudes! What's happening?
Is Avril going to show up today? Man, I REALLY enjoyed jamming out to her
cover of our song on MTV! Did you catch it? That was the BALLS, man."
Hobo : ( turning red ) "Can Lars
win a prize now?"
DS : "Oh yes... Lars DEFINITELY
needs a tour of our studio filled with fabulous prizes."
( In one swift, deft movement, Hobo
jams a crowbar between Lars’ eyeball and socket )
Lars : "MY EYE! Damn it! THAT WASN'T
IN MY CONTRACT!"
DS : "That was an unpredictable
reaction... don't worry, it won't stay that color for long. Maybe a month
or two. Anyhow, you've just been reminded of what the first rule of deserving
to exist is : unless you're a 12 year old girl, 'rawking out' to Advil
Latrine is out of the question."
Lars : ( frowns )
DS : "Here's some good theme music
for Lars, everybody..."
( Cue theme music for "The People's
Court" )
DS : ( smirking ) "Yes--- that's
more like it."
Lars : "You think this is funny?
Listen pal, I can EASILY make you experience pain like you've never experienced
pain before. Got it?"
DS : "I know, Lars... I know...
you forget that I've already heard your sound mix on St. Anger."
Hobo : “Not to mention the double-kick
drum loop at the end of Dyer’s Eve. Weak as piss mate."
50 Cent : "Yo, bizNATCH, when's
I gonna git tah THROW SOME GAME at dat ho?"
DS : "Take it easy, Tupac. ( pauses
) WELL, while Lars nurses his first deserved wound of the program, let's
bring out our final suitor. Introducing Suitor #3!"
( Cue "Nookie", and enter Fred Durst
)
Fred : ( jumping around the stage,
waving his arms in the air ) "Ah did it fah tha NOOKIE! Ah did it fah tha
NOOKIE! ( attempting freestyle improv ) Yeah! Take that cookie! Take that
cookie!"
DS : "Is there a logical explanation
as to why you're hopping around like a lab-monkey on crank? ( shouting
to sound tech ) ... and PLEASE stop that song before our IQ's drop into
the low 60's. Christ, I was having more fun trying to decode 50 Cent's
monologue."
Fred : ( raising both arms ) "YO!
It's all about THA LIMP, bay-bee! ( stops and thinks for a moment ) HEY---
did I tell you guys about the time I bagged Spears AND Halle Berry at the
same time?"
Hobo : “Oh you’re done for, f*cktard…”
( The impact of sledgehammer on shattered
knee resonates around the studio with a crisp, sharp ‘SNAP!’ )
Hobo : "What do you know--- Tha
Limp now has a limp."
Fred : “OOOOW! Yo man… tha LIMP
don’t like that. You LUCKY I’m here to spit some game at a foxy lady, or
else…”
DS : “Dear God, please shut up.
Why is it that every time you open your mouth, the only things that come
out of it are moronic statements and half-eaten Happy Meals? Just sit down---
and PLEASE stop with this business of referring to your band as “tha Limp”.
We’re not filming a f*cking Frat-Rock documentary here.”
Fred : ( starting in again ) “I
did it fah tha NOOKIE! I did it fah tha…”
Lars : ( approaches Fred )
“Hey, you look familiar… ( thinking ) I’VE GOT IT! You’re Marky Mark,
right? DUDE… we loved havin’ you on the Summer Sanitarium Tour. I’ll tell
ya, you’ve got that hip hop thing down to a science, man”
50 Cent : ( agitated by Lars’ hip
hop comment ) “I hear ya say dat AGAIN--- an’ I’mo DROP’YA, b*tch. ( glances
over at Fred ) White Bread over there ‘bout as ghetto as a m*thaf*ckin’
BANJO”
Hobo: “This is for passing off ‘Behind
Blue Eyes’ as a credible single, you talentless asshat.”
( Hobo vigorously applies a folding
chair to Fred’s skull )
DS : “Alright--- I guess it’s time
to introduce our female contestant. Here she is, ladies and gentlemen…
our mystery female contestant!”
( Enter Britney Spears. A partition
has been placed between her and the Suitors )
Britney : “Like, HEY everybody!
I’m a pop sensation!”
DS : “Yeah, that popping sensation
you’re describing must be the popping sensation your brain cells make as
the peroxide leaks through your skull and kills them off en masse. Ask
your questions, you cosmetically augmented Donkey--- we’re running out
of coffee.”
Britney : ( aghast ) “Like, OH MY
GOD--- I make more money than you EVER will. How DARE you… like… talk to
me that way, and stuff…”
DS : “ATTENTION : Happy time is
almost over for you. You’re a nearly used-up, walking, talking billboard.
Now that you and planet Earth have been properly introduced--- take a seat,
don’t leak any silicone onto the carpet, and try not to drool on yourself
when you’re struggling to think of a question.”
50 Cent : “Yo, lemme AKS dat ho
some questions!”
Britney : “Ew… who was THAT? “
50 Cent : “Yo, you eva been wit’
a hustlah, bayBEE?”
Britney : “Well… um… no, but my
agent tells me that I’ll probably end up doing a cover shot for Hustler
if my record sales keep falling.”
Hobo : “Please let me strike her
over the head with a prize. PLEASE.”
Fred : “Hey girly, you want me to
take my shirt off? Cuz I think that gettin’ it ON wit’chyoo would be ALL
DAT.”
Britney : “Have we met before? You
sound exactly like some creep who started these rumors about me and him
this one time…”
Lars : “I’m a drummer. My band tours
all over the world. You should hear me play…. Maybe if I win that 18-piece
cookware set, I could set it up for you. ALSO : if you don’t pick me, it’s
entirely possible that I’ll bring litigation against you.”
Britney : “Oh yeah, that was like
SOOOOO romantic. You’re a dork.”
Lars : ( gets up and walks off )
“That does it. I’m calling my lawyer.”
50 Cent : “Yo girl--- I be tryin’
to holler at ya--- ahm AKSIN’ ya if ya likes it RAW, baybee!”
Britney : “Like, you’re really really
starting to creep me out and stuff.”
Hobo : “That’s it, Barbie… PRIZE
TIME for you…”
( Hobo flings a jar labeled ‘Agitated
Killer Bees’ at Britney’s feet )
Hobo : “Hey Dead mate, it’s almost
like the bee’s think the silicon is honey!”
DS : ( rubbing chin thoughtfully
) "Yes yes. It REALLY is remarkable, isn't it? Now her entire body can
look like one gigantic collagen injection--- and we'll only charge her
half as much as one of those Beverly Hills-based plastic surgeons would."
Britney : ( frantically swatting
her arms and legs ) “OUCH! I’M RICH! I’M FAMOUS!”
DS : “Believe me in earnest when
I tell you that is a tremendous source of both marvel and consternation
for the rest of us, too.”
( knock on studio door )
DS : “Who’s there?”
Agent : “RIAA… official business.
Open the door.”
( opens door, in walks man in a beige
trenchcoat )
DS : “Well, what do YOU want?”
Agent : “We just had a complaint
filed that there was intellectual property theft going on under this very
roof.”
DS : “You could be right, Agent
Orange. I’ve been harboring suspicions that those three clowns over there
have CLEARLY had their intellects stolen.”
Agent : ( looks at Fred ) “WAIT
A MINUTE… aren’t you Marky Mark?”
Fred : ( shouting ) “I AM
NOT MARKY MARK, DAMN IT!”
Britney : ( comes walking around
the divider ) “I DEMAND to, like, be told what’s going on around here!
( looks at Fred ) OH MY GOD--- you’re that jerky guy who told everyone
we were together… GROSS!”
Agent : “No miss, he isn’t. ( turns
to Fred ) This is Marky Mark, and if he’ll perform “Good Vibration” for
me, I won’t arrest any of you. ( looks down ) GOD I love that song.”
( Fred loses control and breaks down
)
Fred : ( sobbing ) “I can’t live
this lie any longer. ( sniffle ) I’m not Marky Mark. I’m his relative,
Donnie Walberg. ( wiping eyes with tissue ) I used to be in the New Kids
on the Block. I was the tough one. I always told the guys we should look
and act tougher… ( blows nose )… no one listened, and our career just flatlined.
I vowed revenge… so I became Fred Durst. Now it looks as if my plan is
failing again, and all that I really want to do now, is hide under a blanket,
eat bon bons for an entire month, and listen to Air Supply.”
DS : “AHA! I KNEW IT, GOD DAMN IT!
I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!”
Hobo : “Victory.”
Agent : ( cuffing Fred ) : “Mr.
Walberg, you’re under arrest for posing as Marky Mark, under the assumed
identity of Fred Durst. I’m going to ask that you come with me, and without
causing a scene. Mr. Sun, this show is prohibited from going on the air
again, until we’ve had sufficient time to investigate the claim that Britney
Spears’ intellect has been stolen. Good day, gentlemen.”
DS : “Well then… THERE’S something
that doesn’t happen every day. How novel. Anyway, that’s about all the
time we have for this month. I’d like to thank the Hobo for coming on---
much obliged, Hobo. Now I’m going to leave you off with a closing track,
done by one of the great innovators of the Heavy/Industrial sound. The
track is called “Devastator/Mighty Trust Krusher”, and it’s by a group
who went by the name of “Godflesh”--- hell yeah. Until next month, this
is the DeadSun, signing off.”
( Roll credits, cue Godflesh's "Devastator/Mighty
Trust Krusher" )
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