GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

What’s it going to be then, eh? Uncle apologizes greatly for his absence last month. Constipation of the brain was the order of the month. I poured some exlax in my ear and that seems to have rectumfied the problem. So sit down and have some freedom fries and liberty toast, there’s guaranteed no pesky French here! *the author is using sarcasm here*

In life there are many myths. Such as; why men have nipples? What the heck are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called? And is Keith Richards really made out of beef jerky? This month we are going to take a 3 hour cruise into the world of musical mystery so climb into the Greenmuse mystery machine(patent pending) and lets go see what we can dig up!

Mystery number celui--what the heck lurks under LL Cool J's hat?-have you ever seen this man without a hat in all the years he’s been around? The reason being he has a solar panel there that he uncovers when the time is safe to do so and charges the batteries inside him, much like a submarine. You see the real LL Cool J has been kidnapped and taken to Nellyville. The cyborg has replaced the original and now does duets with Jennifer Lopez.(the real reason I’ve heard is his head is slightly pointed and he is self conscious about it)

Mystery number deux--is Aaron Lewis really all that sad? Yes he really is. Despite all the fame and money he has made from his personal pity poo party he still cant buy the one thing he wants so desperately...a hug! Aaron should know by now I’m here for him. I’m man enough to hug another man and not feel weird about it. This is all it would take to turn Aaron Lewis into this generation’s David Lee Roth, who always seems to be happy (could be Alzheimer’s is setting in?)

Mystery number trois: why the heck does the Linkin Park’s guitar player wear headphones? In every video there he is rocking his little heart out, oblivious to all in the world besides his guitar and his headphones. Could his headphones be his direct link to the mouths of long since forgotten gods, the same gods who are responsible for the popularity of the Monkees? I have it on good source that he is indeed listening to other, perhaps better bands, and during Linkin Park shows he can close his wee eyes and drift of into a dream where he and his bandmates actually matter and wont be forgotten in less than 3 years.

Mystery number quatre: will Guns N Roses’ “Chinese Democracy” ever be released?- this is a great mystery of our time and one that requires some deep, deep delving. Short answer no. Long answer yes. Axl Rose, the eccentric rock star icon of the 80s, has been working on this masterpiece for years and years, its release has been imminent for nearly that long and it keeps getting pushed back. Nobody could take this long to work on any album, or can they? there is a very simple idea behind all of this, the fact is the album 
Doesn’t exist. It is simply a metaphor for Axl sitting on his butt, scarfing down cheeseburgers with Vince Neil and wanking to faked Britney Spears porn. But needless to say the album will be released eventually. After Axl's demise, Time Life Music (or K-tel) will splice together a lot of unreleased tracks and slap a cover on it reading "Chinese Democracy" and the legendary album will be born. By this time nobody will know who Guns N’ Roses were despite some old legends of an asshole who keeps canceling shows for unknown reasons.

Mystery number cinq: mullets in rock- anyone with eyes in their head can notice the absence of mullets in rock music today. Could this possibly be due to the "ho hum poor me" attitude of rock? Remember in the heydays of mulletness how fun the songs were? it was all about sex, drugs and rock n roll. in my years of research into this field I’ve found that fun rock n roll music is essential for good mullet growth. This is why the mullet was so prolific in the 80s. The lighthearted music glorifying fast cars and slow witted women were just the miracle grow the mullets needed for proper thickness and length of the holy manes that flow like rivers of bad assedness down their back. The Seattle movement came and mullets were gone overnight, condemned to the outer fringes of country and bad Christian music, and anymore these genres are severely lacking the topics that make 
mullets coats shine. For the sake of the mullets, bring 80s rock back.

There are indeed many many mysterious musical legends out there, and no one can ever hope to solve them all. I wish I could but for the life of me I still cant figure out why anyone takes Avril Lavigne seriously. So until next time, this is your friend and humble narrator reminding you to always keep your nipples out of hot soup.

Greenmuse loves to hear from you, post a message below or send him an email at greenmuse@antimusic.com (he does get some rather strange emails from time to time... there was this one from a 14 punker girl who asked him if he wanted to...) 
 

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