Two words: Paula Abdul.

Quick: what’s the first thing that comes to mind?  Great tap dancer?  No doubt about it.  Great choreographer?  You better believe it.  Great ass?  Yeah…oh, yeah.  I’ll give you all of those.

But a great singer?  Hell no!

Now, unless you live in a cave, you’ve heard of that uncanny hit, that puppy-mill of prefabricated pop stars, that place Simon calls home: American Idol.

I wanna slap somebody over this cultural phenomenon for a lot of reasons.  First of all, I have always been of the mind that you don’t become a rock star by winning a game show, but apparently I’m wrong.  Hell, you don’t even have to win to have record companies raining down contracts on these undeserving Star Search rejects with the same reckless aplomb as Planned Parenthood handing out condoms at a safe sex rally.  

And with the exception of that William Hung guy, most of these mutants have practically no personality whatsoever.  (Clay Aiken…need I say more?)  Let’s give credit, though: Kelly had a great voice, no argument.  Too bad about that movie with the kid sporting the Juan Epstein hair, but I digress…

Speaking of hair, would someone please give Ryan Seacrest a freaking comb?  What the hell is going on with his head?  The guy’s got a worse hairdo than Mark Goodwin.  Even Weird Al looks at this guy and says, “Damn!”

You know, Dick Clark has long been touted as America’s oldest teenager, but at least he never tried to dress like one.  So comb your hair, pretty boy!  But, I digress…

Back to the matter at hand.  I think it only fair to say a few words about Paula Abdul.  First of all, this is one talented lady.  She is responsible for a dance revolution in music videos in the 80’s and was one of the best choreographers out there.  Hell, she made the Laker Girls famous and she made the Jacksons look good.  

Then she puts out an album that sells a bajillion copies.  Next thing you know, she’s everywhere and winning everything.  Suffice it to say she’s a great performer.

(I still have a copy of Forever Your Girl somewhere in my CD collection.)

And then she went public with her eating disorder.  Not an easy thing to do and it probably helped a lot of young girls who were struggling with their own self-image to deal with it in a more positive way.

In other words, I do not hate this woman.  Nope, I don’t have much of a problem with Paula Abdul the performer.

What I’m here to talk about is her ability to sing.

Now, was she embroiled in a controversy as to whether it was her and only her actually singing on her debut album?  Yes, she was.  Did anything ever come of it?  Not really.  But that’s not what I’m talking about.  

What I am talking about is the fact that, although she is a talented dancer and performer, she ain’t exactly what I would call a great singer, even if she does have background help.

Does she have a passable voice?  Maybe.  Good enough for studio magic to fill in the blanks?  Definitely.  Can she lip synch with the best of them?  Yep, she could give Britney a run for her money.

But Paula Abdul isn’t exactly a Broadway caliber vocalist.  Not even Off-Broadway or Off-Off-Broadway for that matter.

She’s got no real range, no power, no emotion, no vocal technique…nothing.  (My God, I sound like Simon.)  No wonder she’s so nice to all the contestants on that show -- she identifies with them; she can’t sing all that well, either.

So what’s she doing handing out vocal advice here?  Personally, I think it’s because she bought into the Idol mentality. 

Which brings me to one inevitable conclusion: American Idol is the Anti-Christ.

Think about it for a moment.  This show takes a bunch of no-talent hacks (and those are the judges) who raise another bunch of no-talent hacks (those would be the contestants) to the level of idol.

Idol -- I don’t even know if I like the sound of that word.  Hell, all we need here is a golden calf and we’re good to go.  (Where’s Charlton Heston when you need him?)

And just who are the judges?  Well, there’s that jerk Simon, who’s clearly in this just so he can bang young chicks.  Then there’s the token black dude to give the whole thing a little urban credibility, dawg.  And then there’s Paula, who apparently is there because all the people who really could sing weren’t available.

They were all out singing somewhere.

Now, we all know these judges are qualified industry types who know exactly what they’re talking about, right?  

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

First of all, this is entertainment, at least that what it’s supposed to be.  But all it really does is take a bunch of kids and play on their dreams of becoming stars.  They purposely send kids who don’t have a hooker’s chance in hell of winning in to stand before the judges knowing full well that these kids are gonna get torn a new one -- and on national television, no less. 

Not cool.

And not only do you get to be judged, you get to be judged by people who really (let’s be honest here) aren’t qualified to judge anything entertainment related.  And once that little piece of Spanish Inquisition-like torture is over, you get to have a heart-to-heart with Ryan Seacrest so that you can perhaps, in some cathartic way, work though the emotionally scarring ordeal you’ve just gone through.  

Yeah, baby – that’s entertainment! 

And the worst part is in order to be on American Idol you practically have to sign your life away to 19 Entertainment, the management company of the show’s creator, Simon Fuller.  

In case you’re wondering, Simon Fuller is the “other” Simon.  He’s the same guy who brought you the Spice Girls and, for better or worse (probably worse), the cinematic tour de force known as Spice World.  

If you win, and even if you don’t, these people pretty much own you.  It’s practically indentured servitude.

Ah, the price of fame

What’s more, the Idol contract states, among other things, that the show  "may reveal and/or relate information about me of a personal, private, intimate, surprising, defamatory, disparaging, embarrassing or unfavorable nature, that may be factual and/or fictional." (Emphasis mine.)  Kudos to Anthony Breznican for writing a tidy little article on the matter. 

So it all may be fictional?  Well, that blows the whole “reality” concept right out of the zeitgeist, doesn’t it?

But the world is full of attention-starved people who never read the fine print, or care about it even if they do, so there will never be a shortage of contestants.

Shame on you, Simon – both of you.

So what’s this all got to do with Paula Abdul?  Why does Miss A. get my nearly complete and undivided attention?

Maybe I was expecting a little more from someone as genuinely talented as she is.  She, better than either of the other two judges, knows what it’s like to be under the microscope.  She knows what it’s like to hang the rent on an audition.  (Too bad they don’t have a dance competition; then the lady could really shine.)  

And she, better than any of them, should know what a joke that show really is.

It’s probably obvious by now that I like Paula Abdul as a dancer.  That woman can really move and overcame huge obstacles to be a stellar talent in the dance world.  I even like her as a performer.  She’s not a great vocalist, but as long as she’s dancing, it’s worth watching.

But to see her sit there and tell someone they need to work on their pitch or on their technique?  If she thinks she’s got the ability to do that, she’s buying into the American Idol mentality as much as the Stepford audience members who are voting so hard that their fingers bleed weekly. 

So would someone please pull this pretentious tour bus off to the side of the road so I can get out and hitch a ride back to Coolsville?

And Paula, if you’re out there, do me a favor: Run as far away from that show as possible, put on your tap shoes and head to Broadway where you belong.  

Just don’t sing once you get there.

That’s my two cents, now gimme my change. 
 
 
 

Chuck DiMaria is Los Angeles based musician and antiMUSIC columnist. Check out his website ChuckDiMaria.com for more of his writings, MP3s and more (be sure to read about his adventures in online dating!!)

Your turn. 

Fan Speak:


Click here for more Fan Speak