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 The Backstreet Boys (Men) return to world domination, all must bow & take them seriously this time!

With their great, wonderful new album, old people who really miss 80s pop FINALLY have an album to help them usher in their encroaching middle age that the Back Street Men are now experiencing. With musical homage being paid to high gas prices, sky rocketing, confiscatory property tax rates & other laments of the not so young, these men will be remembered as one of the few boy bands who successfully made the segue from boys to men, another 80s pop group.

While I wait for my order of The Backstreet Men (BSM)'s CDs by the yard to come in, I'll have to settle for telling you what their CD sounds like based on their handful of samples from their website.

First off was the lovely & beautiful "Just Want You to Know", in which they channel Michael Bolton, perfectly capturing his distinctive sounds in a much slower atmosphere. While this song didn't terrify me nearly as much as "Lose it All", the song where they made musical history by featuring the entire band simultaneously falling asleep mid song, due to the extremely somber, slow & serious Elton John tribute, this song is all about how they pissed through their multi million dollar fortune & now need to pay copious amounts of money to reline their swimming pools, re-roof their helicopter hangars and feed their extensive llama collection. With this album selling briskly in Europe & the third world, I'm sure their hangers on & distant relatives will soon be lapping up gold bowls of milk soon!

"Incomplete", is their smooth musical acknowledgement that no longer are they in the clutches of the great & revered puppet master Lou Pearlman, but the heralding of the fact that they have a new massa now, the critically acclaimed, much celebrated, former 80s pop star turned producer, Bryan Adams!

Adams production of this CD is so brilliant, that Mensa is considering making him chairperson for life. Concerned with the radical departure from the BSM's sound & the dreaded & well documented "Metallica Effect" diminishing their preteen fan base, Adams keeps one eye on the 'old faithfuls', one eye on us old timers, one eye on even older fans with discerning musical taste & one eye on their bank account, all the songs here have been carefully market tested & sanitized for your protection. If the sales of this CD don't immediately result in the BSM's ability to hire more servants & vacation in Southern France more regularly, I'll be shocked. Adams masterfully reaches out to however many Joan Baez fans that remain alive & able to leave the nursing home to make CD purchases, with an acoustic folksy ballad entitled "Crawling Back to You", sub titled, 'rock SUX!!', a sneering song that musically tars & feathers the similarly titled Linkin Park tune. This song represents an even more cross- generational stretch than the time MTV &AARP teamed up to edjukate the nation on how to think. 

How many CDs can you name that result in 11-year-old fans helping 87-year-old grampas figure out the mysterious universe of iPods while mom & dad rock out & wipe away tears of joy at their unified nuclear family's fun day at Golden Acres? This high quality tune is now the official song of the Geritol-sponsored Worldwide Bingo Tournament, I am delighted to announce!! Gas up the hummer limo, time for another world travelling sensation! B-7, anyone?

"Beautiful Woman" is a deceptive attempt to pull in even music fans from the 1950s, who will no doubt have their ears melt & run down their head at the hard rockin' sounds the BSM apparently do remember how to make. This song is like Christina on speed, Britney on meth, or the BSM snorting Ritalin. Whatever works, guys!!

"I Still" is the last song I can tell you of, their surprising tribute to John Waites. As the boys have matured over the years, they can really understand & appreciate the plight of one hit wonders having to get jobs at 7-11 to pay the bills. This song toasts JW & others like him. I'm sure the liner notes for this song will consist of a list of other bands who used to be on top, only to plummet to the depths of earth & suffer the hard struggle of being forced to remember how to dress oneself in the morning unassisted.

Please buy lots of this CD, AntiFans! The BSM NEED you to do it & get them on the charts in this country!! Please rescue them from being forced to tour the former Soviet states & all the -ikstans in Eastern Europe, the success of this band is entirely up to YOU!!!


CD Info and Links

Backstreet Boys - Never Gone

Label:Jive Turkey
Rating:

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About "Let's Get Dolly": In January (2005) antiMusic readers were introduced to a colorful writer known as Dolly Doppelganger when her Veridical Polemic column debuted. That column almost never happened, but Dolly pestered us until we relented and gave her a chance. The results speak for themselves. You may not know this but Dolly originally applied for a reviewer position. Fast forward to mid-January, antiGuy asked me if we had any CDs to review that have been sitting around for a while.  I named a few and he shook his head and said, "I'll pass, I don't know who you would get to review some of those!" As those words escaped his lips, the solution came to me, "Let's get Dolly! She loves everything!" So, I gave Dolly a few CDs to try out her reviewing skills on and what I got back is classic Dolly. You may not learn much about the actual CDs, and you will learn far too much about Dolly's ideas but in the end if you are a Dolly fan you'll love her latest contributions to antiMusic. If you are looking for regular reviews of these cds, look somewhere else. Dolly don't play that. - Keavin Wiggins, Editor antiMusic.com


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