GREENMUSE is a regular reader
and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily
reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy
what he has to say!
Previous Musings
.
The Terror From The
British Isles
Ahoy there Droogs and Devotchkas, hope
all is well and the urine has been deflected from your Cheerios. This month
Im going to visit an old staple here in the bistro of horror. That being
the cultural phenomenon known as the mullet, yeah I know its old
hat, and probably the equivalent of yet another Linkin Park remix album
but this is something I feel needs to be addressed. Plus you like me a
lot more than you like Linkin Park. . . . If you dont, well then you should.
Im pretty darned boss.
Enough of the cheeky banter, Im
here to tell you the disturbing(from an ace mullet hunters perspective)event
I see looming on the horizon and it centers around the latest darlings
of the media, The Darkness, a band so good even Tony Blair
says he likes them. Dubya couldnt be reached for comment that day, but
I have it on good authority that he snorts coke off the bands album cover(I
kid, I kid, please dont come get me Ashcroft).
The darkness is supposedly here to put
the fun back in rock n roll, complete with solos and spandex catsuits.
Especially the catsuits, which in my mind should stay happily in the past.
The only thing Im glad to see again are those swell three quarter length
t-shirts with the contrasting sleeve color. Actually Im not sure if these
are back but I sure wish they were. In younger days I had a very cool Styx
shirt like that. I might have had a Blue Oyster Cult one as well. All this
nostalgia The Darkness brings is nice and all, but I fear it will bring
out the mullet in a lot of people who otherwise wouldnt dream of having
one.
Yes The Darkness stand to spearhead a new
mulleted attack on the world at large, which normally in my mind
would be grand, more mullets equal more fun, but I fear these mullets will
just be watered down parodies of the real thing. No toughness, no fun,
just empty posing. This will make for lean times for the mullet hunters.
Picture it: deep in the mullets natural habitat of a discount auto parts
store, I would be stalking my prey casually keeping tabs on him while pretending
to be interested in a Holley carburetor I have no use for, when moving
in for the tagging of this vicious beasts ear I will notice the specimen
is too easily taken down, only one roofie tipped dart?!?! Where is the
meth crazed wild men I am used to battling on these hallowed aisles? And
was that just a Heineken bottle that rolled out of this gentle beasts hands??
Imported beer? For now I will leave this hypothetical situation behind,
its just too painful for the young ones out there to think that mullet
hunting may soon loose all its danger and the big game hunters like myself
may have to resort to strapping heroin filled syringes to our backs and
running past Courtney Love to get our life threatening danger fix.
I pray The Darkness never gets too big
on our shores, the potential damage to the mullet eco system is of such
a magnitude I dont even want to really consider it. The Darkness single
handedly decimated the United Kingdoms mullet population by introducing
a less vicious strain to the gene pool weakening the mullets until a handful
of school kids could take out an entire city block of once hardy mullets.
Just look on ebay UK at the number of Ford Capris that are on there. In
the before times each one of these were piloted by burly, violent fellows,
healthy mullets so to speak. Now the Ford Metro has overrun their country
driven by goofy rejects from the latest Star Trek convention sporting Darkness
stickers on the back window of their chariots of doom. Please, I implore
you, dont let this happen here. Do we want our streets devoid of fire
belching Camaros and Mustangs? No, no we dont. And we also dont want
this joke no one finds funny anymore called The Darkness.
In final closing, gm would like to remind
each and every one of you, that you can make a difference in the battle
against The Darkness. Play a Queen record and remember what man in a catsuit
is supposed to sound like.
Greenmuse loves
to hear from you, post a message below or send him an email at greenmuse@antimusic.com
(he does get some rather strange emails from time to time... there was
this one from a 14 punker girl who asked him if he wanted to...)
Fan Speak:
What do you think?
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