GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

Ahoy there Droogs and Devotchkas, hope all is well and the urine has been deflected from your Cheerios. This month I’m going to visit an old staple here in the bistro of horror. That being the cultural phenomenon known as the mullet,  yeah I know it’s old hat, and probably the equivalent of yet another Linkin Park remix album but this is something I feel needs to be addressed. Plus you like me a lot more than you like Linkin Park. . . . If you don’t, well then you should. I’m pretty darned boss.  

Enough of the cheeky banter,  I’m here to tell you the disturbing(from an ace mullet hunters perspective)event I see looming on the horizon and it centers around the latest darlings of the media,  The Darkness,  a band so good even Tony Blair says he likes them. Dubya couldn’t be reached for comment that day, but I have it on good authority that he snorts coke off the band’s album cover(I kid,  I kid,  please don’t come get me Ashcroft).

The darkness is supposedly here to put the fun back in rock n roll, complete with solos and spandex catsuits. Especially the catsuits, which in my mind should stay happily in the past. The only thing I’m glad to see again are those swell three quarter length t-shirts with the contrasting sleeve color. Actually I’m not sure if these are back but I sure wish they were. In younger days I had a very cool Styx shirt like that. I might have had a Blue Oyster Cult one as well. All this nostalgia The Darkness brings is nice and all, but I fear it will bring out the mullet in a lot of people who otherwise wouldn’t dream of having one. 

Yes The Darkness stand to spearhead a new mulleted attack on the world at large,  which normally in my mind would be grand, more mullets equal more fun, but I fear these mullets will just be watered down parodies of the real thing. No toughness, no fun, just empty posing. This will make for lean times for the mullet hunters. Picture it: deep in the mullets natural habitat of a discount auto parts store, I would be stalking my prey casually keeping tabs on him while pretending to be interested in a Holley carburetor I have no use for, when moving in for the tagging of this vicious beasts ear I will notice the specimen is too easily taken down, only one roofie tipped dart?!?! Where is the meth crazed wild men I am used to battling on these hallowed aisles? And was that just a Heineken bottle that rolled out of this gentle beasts hands?? Imported beer? For now I will leave this hypothetical situation behind, it’s just too painful for the young ones out there to think that mullet hunting may soon loose all its danger and the big game hunters like myself may have to resort to strapping heroin filled syringes to our backs and running past Courtney Love to get our life threatening danger fix. 

I pray The Darkness never gets too big on our shores, the potential damage to the mullet eco system is of such a magnitude I don’t even want to really consider it. The Darkness single handedly decimated the United Kingdom’s mullet population by introducing a less vicious strain to the gene pool weakening the mullets until a handful of school kids could take out an entire city block of once hardy mullets. Just look on ebay UK at the number of Ford Capri’s that are on there. In the before times each one of these were piloted by burly, violent fellows, healthy mullets so to speak. Now the Ford Metro has overrun their country driven by goofy rejects from the latest Star Trek convention sporting Darkness stickers on the back window of their chariots of doom. Please, I implore you, don’t let this happen here. Do we want our streets devoid of fire belching Camaros and Mustangs? No, no we don’t. And we also don’t want this joke no one finds funny anymore called The Darkness. 

In final closing, gm would like to remind each and every one of you, that you can make a difference in the battle against The Darkness. Play a Queen record and remember what man in a catsuit is supposed to sound like. 
 

Greenmuse loves to hear from you, post a message below or send him an email at greenmuse@antimusic.com (he does get some rather strange emails from time to time... there was this one from a 14 punker girl who asked him if he wanted to...) 
 

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