GREENMUSE is a regular reader and fan contributor at antiMUSIC, the views expressed here don't necessarily reflect those of antiMUSIC or our sponsors, but we are sure you will enjoy what he has to say! 

Ahoy droogs, its another mind bending month here in the shed of debauchery, hope all is well on your end and your hoop dreams are coming true. A few weeks back my brother was over at my place and the usual things happened, guitar playing, absinthe drinking, and music discussion. Which is always a nice treat since I rarely get to speak with anyone about music face to face, the missus hates when I go on one of my tirades about why this band is lame, or that band is the bees knees, and believe me I go on this crusade a lot around her. Wouldn’t you? I mean the woman listens to Journey and Air Supply for Bob’s sakes. But back to the subject at hand. Now for those who don’t know, my brother is into metal, and I’m into punk rock. Which translates to a lot of our music conversation goes nowhere but he gets to tell me “they are just using the same riff over and over, and the singer can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Is it supposed to sound like that? ”And I get to tell him” all that guy does is grunt, how is he saying anything? ! Is it supposed to sound like that? ” But it’s always fun to have this conversation. Pretty much all we can agree on is that old Metallica rocks the proverbial socks, and that “St. Anger” is perhaps the worst thing put to any music format in the entire history of rock music.. Being into metal my brother is at a extreme disadvantage, as he simply isn’t into all the satanic trappings that go along with the genre which greatly cuts down on what he finds pleasing. So I decided to delve into the deeper meaning on all this, its a well known fact that music with Jesus’s stamp of approval... Sucks! For proof of this go to most any MXPX show, either the music, or the people in the crowd will make you head for the nearest door to vomit up your lunch and then continue vomiting until your feet come out of your mouth and you are then inside out. If you have never lived in a place where Christian music is prevalent, consider yourself lucky* I only used MXPX as an example people would know. My quest begins with a simple, yet complex task, going to the sources. 

Some people would piddle about with research and socioeconomic bull crap to explain why “evil” music is better. Not me, I don’t have time for that crap. I’m a man on the go who is now middle aged (I’m 25 now, and I plan on snuffing it at 50, I would have went for 29 since that’s a proper rock n roll age to die at. But I have things I need to do for the next few years). So you might ask how to meet the people in charge of the universal scheme of things, is an appointment needed? Do you need to hire a lobbyist? Do you need to slather yourself in creamed corn and let toothless grannys in Lenin masks lick it off your body until your in such a state of ecstasy that you see old bog in heaven? The answer is no, no, and almost. To meet this God fellow all you have to do drive to the outskirts of Mossyhead, Florida(actually the whole town qualifies as “outskirts”. In Mossyhead there is a doublewide trailer that is also a bar (no joke). At that bar/trailer you will find a bearded gent on a barstool under the miller sign. He is the man you need to look for(he stays in there to minister to the poor souls who obviously need his guidance if they are drinking in this place). So once inside this place I proceed to speak with this deity about this rule of music. And this is how it went: 

Me: do I call you Mr. God, sir God, Archduke of Heaven? 

God: Chuck’s cool by me. I’m not near as uptight at people make me out to be. Want a peanut? 

Me: Sure, Chuck. Mind if I ask you a very important question? 

Chuck: shoot, but please don’t ask me for forgiveness for something you’re not sorry  about, or if your going to Heaven or not. Everyone bugs me with those questions. , , and before you ask, no I don’t watch people even when they are in the bathroom. What mortals do in there is their own affairs. 

Me: Not at all chuck, my question is simply this, why is music done in the name of you arch nemesis always seem to be... Er.... Better? 

Chuck: *takes a deep breath and drinks reflectively from his bottle of bud* Well, I can’t really tell you, I think it is all those years of those boring hymns. People got the idea I like that kind of thing. As far as the modern music goes. *throws up his arms in disgust* your guess is good as mine. Don’t get me started on that awful Ska that is supposedly done in my name, give me the specials or Desmond Dekker over that crap any day. 

Me: Why don’t you set the record straight? 

Chuck: Well, it’s a bit complicated, years ago Satan and I got together and hammered this whole religion thing out, I would play the stodgy parent type, and she would play the fun friend role. Nobody told me then that I would get stuck with Stryper while she gets Slayer and all that stuff. Oh I almost forgot *in sarcastic voice* I have Michael W. Smith, and Creed. Even that tool Fred Durst tried getting on my good side in that first album. What fool does he take me for? *regains composure* so you see, by now I’m stuck in this and only the apocalypse can get me out. 

Me: Oh, I see. That must really be lame having to always work in a job you hate, with not even a weekend off.... Satan is a female? 

Chuck: I take some time off from time to time, the 1980’s? all vacation time for ol’ Chuck. And yes Satan is a woman. 

Me: That would explain the explosion of televangelists in the 80’s. Is this Satan girl.... Attractive? ? 

Chuck: I saw the booty, and it was a good booty. 

Me: You’re such a cut up, people have you all wrong. Now what about this whole Lemmy equals God thing? 

At this point chuck is gone and suddenly “ace of spades” twangs onto the jukebox. Strange. Strange occurrence indeed. 

So from this we can gather that the only reason music done in the name of the Lord is cheesy is because people have this perception of things that is marred by history. But that doesn’t explain why the devil’s music is so much better. So I must go to the other source to get my info for this article. To meet Satan it isn’t possible to sell your soul, or to wank 6 times in a 6 hour period for 6 days. All you have to do is visit MTV’s corporate headquarters. Unlike God, I expected to find Satan here. And here she was. Chuck wasn’t kidding about she being rather attractive. Upon first viewing her I would have gladly bought the entire Avril catalog just to be around her.. Luckily I caught a few seconds of Jessica Simpson’s singing to jar me from Satan spell. No power is too much for the horror of Jessica Simpson’s singing. So with that I proceeded to ask my questions:

Me. Ill assume to call you Satan since your name plaque on your desk reads the same. How is it that so called devil music is better than music not invoking the abyss? 

Satan: Why that is very simple. What in this phrase fits into Chuck’s followers beliefs: sex, drugs, and rock n roll? exactly. None. 

Me:well sure, but there has to be some inherent difference between religious and secular music. 

Satan: You would think so, but sex, drugs and rock n roll isn’t just a phrase. It’s a scientific formula. One cannot exist without the other. Why do you think the Red Hot Chili Peppers suck now? They gave up drugs. 

Me: What of Marilyn Manson? I mean he factors in sex, drugs and rock n roll, but lets face it, he really sucks. What happened? 

Satan: *sigh* You had to bring that up didn’t you? I’m so tired of that being attributed to me. Manson is Chucks idea of a cruel joke after I put Robert Tilton on TV. Remember that ”humma humma God said send me 10,000 dollars” bit? What a hoot *slaps knee*. But man did I ever pay for that when Manson reared his ugly head. How will anyone take me serious now with him supposedly being my representative on Earth? Anyone with a bit of sense in their head would see that that position is filled by Pat Robertson. 

Me: So who do you see as your crowning achievement then? 

Satan: Hands down. G. G. Allin, that mofo scared even me. But he embodied rock n roll. Though a lot of the wacky Scandinavian bands are impressive with the killing and church burning. 

At this point things start getting fuzzy and spinning around with the words ”burning” echoing in my head. I realize I’m in my own bed and this was all just a dream.. Though suddenly my nose catches the gentle odor of opium and  I realize the person next to me in bed isn’t Ms Muse, its a certain someone from MTV headquarters! With a pop and a crackle Chuck Berry starts playing on the speakers and I know then I’m going to hell in a bucket, but at least I’m enjoying the ride. (name the song this lyric comes from and I’ll give you a prize). 
 
This month in an effort to get an Oprah like following, I’m starting a song of the month. This month its: Ian Dury and the Blockheads’ “sex, drugs and rock n roll,” mainly because I had to type the phrase so much for this article, and it’s a sock rockin song. Remember kids, Ian Dury must always be listened to. 
 

Greenmuse loves to hear from you, post a message below or send him an email at greenmuse@antimusic.com (he does get some rather strange emails from time to time... there was this one from a 14 punker girl who asked him if he wanted to...) 
 

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