For our last Rant of the year, our feature
writer Dan Grote steps up to the plate to give us his slant on the year
just past. This is Dan's first editorial and a fitting way to end 2002.
I'll be back in the new year to blast things in the music industry, until
then enjoy Dan's rant!- aG
.
2002 OVEREXPOSUREFESTARAMA Paying lip service one
last time to the most annoying names, words, and people of the past 8,760
hours. Dan Grote, in his editorial
debut
This isn’t a best of. It could be a worst
of, based on your slant on celebrity. But it is a list of stuff that I
(and most people) saw too much of in 2002. So strap on your laughing cap
and get ready to giggle at the stuff we (or some corporate media-type guy)
thought were cool over the last 12 months.
Public nuisance #1: THE – Never before
has a definite article been so omnipresent. The Strokes, The White Stripes,
The Vines, The Hives, The Coldplay, The Beck, The Ja Rule. The was everywhere
this year, especially in sentences. What this means for 2003: I predict
a backlash against the; I predict an equally ridiculous insurgence of “a”:
A Perfect Circle, A Simple Plan, And You Will Know Us By A Trail of Dead,
A Third Eye Blind, A DMX. You get the picture. And then maybe someday it
will level off. When the situation will right itself: 2005.
Public nuisance #2: STEVEN VAN ZANDT –
Partially responsible for the resurgence of the word “the,” partially responsible
for the resurgence of the word “garage,” partially responsible for the
resurgence of the word “Bada Bing,” that’s right, somebody decided it would
be a good idea to hand Springsteen’s bitch a microphone at some point,
and now we have a whole syndicated radio show dedicated to this year’s
most cash cow-y rock trend. What this means for 2003: If you overexpose
it, there will be a backlash against it. Look for Patty Scialfa’s underground
Pro-Tools showcase. When the situation will right itself: When the Sopranos
are over.
Public nuisance #3: THE (there’s that word
again) OLSEN TWINS – On the one hand, the Twins’ turning sixteen this year
may have made many men drool at their oncoming nearness to 18, but let’s
face it, Stern’s right, these two are getting more Colemanesque each day.
Their faces haven’t changed in years, even though their bodies have blossomed.
Let’s see what happens in two years. What this means for 2003: They’ll
turn seventeen (and still be equally balloon-headed). When the situation
will right itself: 2004, when men no longer lust after them cuz they’re
legal.
Public nuisance #4: DAVE GROHL – Ooh, look
at me, I was the third drummer for grunge’s seminal band. Ooh, look at
me, I have my own successful modern rock band. Ooh, look at me, I’m going
to fight Courtney Love for the rights to release an awesome song. Ooh,
look at me, I’m going to attach myself to one of the best albums of the
year. We get it, Dave, you’re wonderful. Rock on. What this means for 2003:
Nirvana box set, second Queens/Foo singles, maybe more work with Tenacious
D (please, God). When the situation will right itself: the situation wasn’t
necessarily wrong.
Public nuisance #5: PHARREL WILLIAMS –
See the Clipse, Justin Timberlake, Busta Rhymes, Jay-Z, Mystikal, N.O.R.E.,
N.E.R.D., Spymob, Britney Spears, O.D.B., Kelis, James Taylor, Linda Ronstadt,
Guns N Roses, Limp Bizkit, C.W. McCall, and Duran Duran. What this means
for 2003: See Michelle Branch, Carlos Santana, Wyclef Jean, Toni Braxton,
Vanessa Carlton, Third Eye Blind, Paul McCartney, and Paul Anka. When the
situation will right itself: as long as there are more N.E.R.D. albums,
the situation isn’t necessarily wrong.
Public nuisance #6: KELLY OSBOURNE – Most
annoying Osbourne, makes you realize why Amy said no. No one wants to see
you sing except for laughs. I’d rather watch Jack stab boxes on repeat.
The Osbournes is a great TV show, but this ridiculous little offshoot concept
of giving Kelly more lip time is just asinine. Let’s recap: Sharon Osbourne
talk show good, Ozzy as rock idol good, Jack stabbing boxes good, Kelly
as celebrity in her own right bad. What this means for 2003: Probably more
of the same for at least the first few months. When the situation will
right itself: September.
Public nuisance #7: J-Lo and BEN AFFLECK
– It’s bad enough we have to call her J-Lo, but having to be exposed to
her latest fling every time you open a magazine is too much. And Ben Affleck:
Jesum Crow, you know she can do better than the star of Reindeer Games
(no offense to Kevin Smith, who is the only director under whom Matt Damon’s
buddy does anything interesting). And no, you are NOT still Jenny from
the Block. Jenny from the Block ain’t got no rocks, and who told her it
would be a good idea to use a three year old sample (aww, nobody knows
who the Beatnuts are anyway). Damn. What this means for 2003: The J-Lo
machine will soldier on, but the B-Af train will most likely derail quickly.
When the Affleck situation will right itself: February.
Public nuisance #8: MURDER, INC. – I’m
sick of Ja Rule rapping with female R&B artists. I’m sick of Ashanti
rapping with male rappers. And I’m sick of Nas putting out albums that
are lauded by critics for a week and then quickly discarded. End of story.
What this means for 2003: With a stable of multi-platinum selling artists,
Irv Gotti ain’t going nowhere, at least for now. When the situation will
right itself: When Aurelius 7 is smart enough to ditch the Inc. and start
his own label.
Public nuisance #9: MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING
– We get it, we get it, it’s the little movie that could. Hey, that’s great.
Now come out on DVD already, you little ethnic pain in my ass. What this
means for 2003: well, there’s a midseason sitcom on CBS coming out based
on the movie, so guess what, the lucrativity train will last a few more
months at least. When the situation will right itself: I give the sitcom
until March.
Public nuisance #10: AL GORE – I just don’t
get it. The man spent most of the year criticizing President Bush when
nobody really wanted to hear his opinion. After the midterm elections,
the Democratic party is scrambling for leadership. Gephardt is ousted,
Daschle starts blaming the media, and a bunch of no name senators and governors
are considering runs, and this man goes on a week long media campaign to
gleefully announce like a choir of deadpan angels that he is NOT running
for president in 2004. Oh, I see, he doesn’t want support, the poor puppy
just wants attention. Well, if nothing else, it’s nice to see politicians
taking time off from steering the country to host SNL. McCain, really liked
your Ashcroft. What this means for 2003: I hear Trent Lott’s gonna host
the season finale and do his Bill Frist imitation. When the situation will
right itself: November 2004, when Bush gets reelected.
So there you have it. Now start disagreeing
with me.
Daniel P. Grote
Dan Grote is a feature
writer for the iconoFAN Network. .
Posted by Ragan Paygan:
That comment you made about the Oleson twins turning 18 in 2004 was really ridiculous. You idiot. The Olson Twins already are legal. Not everybody reading this lives in the United States you self centred bastard. Where I'm from you don't have to be 18 to have sex. You only have to be 14. And in a lot of other countries its 15 or 16. This is the worst Rantorial ever
Posted by Smotz:
Rap, Punk, Pop, Techo it all sucks!
Posted by rick:
how the hell is pharrel a genius? he makes hiphop beats. not hard at all. dingbat
Posted by Rachel:
How can anyone even consider calling Pharrel Williams a public nuisance- he's a genius!!
Posted by jiZZle:
Dont take out your anger on other countries, Bush. Gore should of won, u suck.
Posted by Matt:
Bush can floss his teeth with my bush. Then lick the inside of my rectum.
Posted by DeadSun:
To the postee below: If you're a lady- I love you.
Posted by Gibbisamoron:
Yup you're right gibzilla damn Bush to hell for going after Microsoft and offering to GIVE AWAY the Gnome which caused the markets to do south and the bubble to burst! He also caused all of those companies to cook their books in the 90's. It's all his fault we were fine until the second he took the oath of office and the recession the media ignored during the campaign actually began. Yup the president wakes up every morning and decides I'm gonna screw up the economy. What should I do, let's see cut taxes across the board so people have more money to spend and thus stimulate the sagging economy. That's sure to make things bad when you take money out of the Government hands and trust the people with it. Damn Bush all to hell for that! He shouldn't even be in office. The Supreme Court let a little thing like the way the Constitution set up the Electral College to actually work where each state has a fairer chance in selecting the President instead of letting the people of New York, California and Texas dominating the process. What were the framers thinking? And how could the Supreme Court allow the Constitution to be followed and not let Gore cast extra votes in his rigged recounts? Ah I better go listen to Wolf Blitzer so he can tell me how to think. Gore in 04! If you liked the recession, elect Gore and get a depression! Plus you won't have any money leftover after he taxes it all away and puts it in his federal Lockbox! Better yet let's put gib in a lockbox along with his conveluted thinking. Can't have people voting who don't know what the hell is really going on.
Posted by zee:
I'm not saying he's not full of sh*t, cause he is. But the fact remains that he did get more of the popular vote than Bush did.
Posted by Al Gore:
That's right. Why, just the other day I was having tea with Napoleon, Pablo Picasso and the Tooth Fairy, and I'll be hornswaggled if they didn't tell me the excact same thing! What a card, that Tooth Fairy!...Um, oh yeah- did I ever tell you about the time I led the Normandy invasion for the Allied forces? Boy, it sure was great fighting alongside Bert and Ernie, and the entire cast from the old TV sitcom "Greeen Acres".
Posted by zee:
More people DID vote for him.
Posted by Al Gore:
You're right, more people SHOULD have voted for me. If it weren't for ol' Al- this message board wouldn't exist. That's because I invented the Internet, yeah, that's the ticket. (nose begins growing) And, ummm, my mom used to sing old union songs to me when I was a child, even though they hadn't been written yet, umm, yeah. (nose getting longer) Plus, if I were in power, my wife would make sure to weed out undesireable bands and artists, saving you the trouble of complaining about them. She DOES have financial ties to fundamentalist crackpot groups. (nose stays the same length) Don't worry, she's a HIP liberal, just like you and I, yeah that's it. (nose now shoots out to five feet) Just remember that the state of the economy is not a consequence of Bill's administration. It only dipped THE MINUTE Bush took office. (Gipetto! Gipetto! I can't STOP IT!)
Posted by gibbzilla:
If Bush is reelected - wait, elected for the first time - it will just show how goddamn stupid the American Public is and how easily distracted by war they are. Economy anyone?
Posted by LithiumBliss:
I think Marx's famous quote needs an update. How about, "Television is the Thorazine of the masses"?
Posted by SMIC:
The continuing "Reality TV" public nusicance is not to be overlooked between the dating shows such as Elimidate and the challeng Shows like The Mole and the prince in shining armor theme of The Bachelor(ette) series American Society has been revealed to the world as the wasteland it has become.... and lets not forget "Crossing Over"
Posted by zee:
Trick: "Bigger than jenna jameson in porn circles"... please, God, tell me that wasn't a pun.
And OK, I need to go on the record as saying I like Little Steven. Yes he can be annoying but he is a kick ass musician, especially some of the stuff he did with south side johnny, but maybe that only speaks of my musical taste.
And do you really think Al Gore will go away just because Bush gets reelected?
Posted by Sadist Of The Noblest Blood:
Please, Lord, not a Michael Jackson reality-show!I already have nightmares about the noseless fairy in the Hollywood hills! And in November 2004 that damn fool Bush may be reelected, but I would not consider it a blessing if I were you. If the U.S. continues on this path it will be at war with the entire universe slready by November.
Posted by DeadSun:
1.)Think about how one defines "reality"
2.)Think about how one defines "show"
3.)With all the mental acrobatics one can muster:
PUT THESE TWO ANTITHETICAL IDEAS TOGETHER.
... and then allow me to beg your pardon for being off topic.
Posted by Bryan:
I don't think dave was ever intended as a full time QOTSA member, I think he just joined up for one album and a tour because he thought it would be really cool... I know he's said he had a lotta respect for them... So I don't think he was ever intended as a full time member.
Posted by Josh :
HA! I love your November 2004 comment...It's soo true.
Posted by OJ:
well unfortunitly dave isn't even in qotsa anymore, he already quit the band to concentrate on foo again, they have already replaced him with an ex danzig drummer.
Posted by Flickerstick:
What happened to us? We won!
Posted by The Reggie Parker Experiment:
Michael Jackson, overexposed? Hell, I would love a Michael Jackson reality show now. Frankly, I think tv dropped the ball on this one. Wouldn't you love to see the events and his own dialogue with himself before he dangled his kid out the window or decided it would be a good idea to use the word "devilish." I want more crazy Jacko, and more Botox Axle. And American Idol will burn out under its own steam. Nobody will remember Kelly Clarkson by the time her CD comes out.
Posted by Art Garfunkel's dog:
Well, yes, Jason Lee's underused part in Almost Famous was pretty damn good ("Hey, write about me, I'm incendiary too"). And hell, another of my favorite actors, Christian Bale, has done nothing but crap outside of American Psycho (no disrespect to Newsies fans)
Posted by RonZ:
Dan, you left out some other public nuisances:
Ammerican Idol, Avril Lavigne, Axl Rose, Michael Jackson's behavior, Enimem and all the crappy reality shows that flooded the airwaves. I can't believe you didn't give them an dishonorable mention.
Posted by Trick:
what about Almost Famous? and everyone's done crappy movies. even guy pearce.
Posted by Art Garfunkel's dog:
Jason Lee hasn't exactly flourished outside of Kevin Smith's watchful eye (See Kissing a Fool, Stealing Harvard; no, of course you didn't). Now he's doing some garbagy looking romantic comedy with Julia Stiles. Not quite top shelf. Too bad, he is one of my favorite actors. He's so snarky!
Posted by Trick:
Why does kevin smith even get ben affleck to do his movies? i'm sure he's got better actor friends.i.e jason lee.(i know he's been in most of the movies too but not in leading parts)
Posted by TK138:
No, when I say ABC, I mean the synth pop group from the '80s that were heavily inspired by Roxy Music. The particular song I quoted from was "Poison Arrow". Probably one of the greatest moments in commercial radio IMO was when "Poison Arrow" was played back to back with Anthrax/Public Enemy's "Bring The Noise" on the Flashback Lunch request show here in Austin, TX. That probably tells you something about my taste in music.
Posted by Art Garfunkel's dog:
Wait, TK138, when you say ABC, you don't by any chance mean Another Bad Creation, those pint-sized miscreants who chilled "At the Playground?"
Posted by TK138:
I absolutely love Kevin Smith's movies. They're probably the only reason I have any respect at all for Ben Affleck. I was convinced that he was a dumbass when it was announced that he and J-Lo were engaged. To quote an old ABC song, "You think you're smart - Stupid, Stupid."
Posted by southofheaven:
Goood Daniel P. Grote, *pats on head*. And TJ is stupid for not reading the article properly. I demonstrate thusly why I shall smote your smouldering corpse: 'When the situation will right itself: the situation wasn’t necessarily wrong.'
Posted by VampireRyan:
Heh heh. Good stuff. I also think that "mallpunk" is overexposed. Those annoying bastards should stop trying to do what THEY think is punk (Avril, Sum 41, Good Charlotte). Tina Fey had a good line about J. Lo and Ben: "Its the first for Affleck, the 2nd for J.Lo and the last for neither." Ben has done good in Kevin Smith's movies.
Posted by GREENMUSE:
i think the twins as a collective are worth billions,not millions,billions,unless the porn directer is bill gates,i doubt those cloths are going anywhere.i imagine in time they will become the elizibeth taylors of our time,married more times than one could count on their fingers,and hanging out with michael jackson.is ben afleck even considered an actor?or is it just because he hangs out with equally annoying matt damon.
Posted by the max:
I doubt it would happen...but that would make one hell of an E! True Hollywood Story.
Posted by Trick:
How much you wanna bet in 6 years the olsen twins are gonna be bigger than jenna jameson(sp?) in porn circles?
Posted by Dr Fever:
Uh, TJ, he didn't say anything bad about Dave...he just stated the obvious. He even said that more dave isn't necessarily a bad thing. Take your happy pill and read it again...
Posted by T.J.:
Dave Grohl kicks a$$! Shut the fu*k up, critic boy. QOTSA own you, and will prove to be the death knell for "Nu-Metal."
Posted by burning red:
I am Jennifer Lopeze's next husband, theres no doubt about it :)
