Any movie critic can tell you what a newly released DVD is about & spoil the ending for you. I plan to ruin your entire DVD watching experience by highlighting it's flaws, it's missteps, it's examples of poor editing, casting, and point out the ridiculous holes in the plot. If you're cynical, you'll appreciate this valuable service I'm providing. If you're easily impressed, then don't say I didn't warn you.  - Mean Jean

Too much attention has been given to the Razzies, a silly yet famous award given to supposedly the worst films of the year. Any list compiled by people other than the readers is going to have protests & dissension. So here is the first round of the AntiAwards, for the worst movies of all time, as seen or thought about in 2004. To gain entrance into this exclusive club, a movie didn't necessarily need to be watched or made in 2004, it just had to have crossed the synapses of whoever went to the message boards & voted.

Since the contributors to the message boards are so brilliantly, blindingly funny, some readers are too intimidated to post anything, including their votes. Rather, they read the postings of monumentous, staggering mirth and actually contemplate swallowing a fatal dose of salmonella laden raw eggs, fully convinced of their posting inferiority. To minimize the anguish over their inability to come up with witty responses, I have quoted here the best comments shredding the winning films, to minimize the anguish over feeling obligated to post. So relax! Put away the chicken fruit, Pop your popcorn in molten gold, grab yourself a seven dollar Coke and enjoy the opportunity to read the helpful film dissections provided by the chairmen of the boards.

Most Hated Movie of All Time:

"Gigli"
This movie was chosen for this prestigious award, this highest honor because it attracted the most comments. Here are a few:

Greenmuse, in response to the incredulous disbelief many expressed at his claim that he actually watched this: "My being was steeled to cinematic atrocities through a regiment of 3 doses of mst3k over a summer or two. I've withstood many an exposure to "Manos, the Hands of Fate" and laughed it off. Though "Gigli" near broke me, especially the scene where J. Lo explains why women are sexier than men. How they got Al Pacino in that stinkbomb remains a mystery."

DeadSun too candidly admits his embarrassing lack of good judgment: "Suffice it to say that I NEARLY made it through 20 minutes of it---- until the nausea and overwhelming malaise placed further viewing beyond the realm of reason."

Frequent flier Zee offers: "I can't imagine that there are enough sedatives in the world to convince an intelligent person to sit through that. I certainly wouldn't have the patience. Seeing previews was more than enough, thanks."

Worst Action Movie Seen or Thought About in 2004:
"Blade 3, Trinity"

Hobo nominates this film for a special award: "Blade 3 Trinity gets my "suckiest movie I almost paid to see" nomination. What a horrible, horrible trainwreck of a movie. Apparently all you need is metro facial hair and you have a good action movie."

Hobo, if some clueless movie exec gets a good idea about a script involving "The Search For America's Top Model" rejects and a 'save the world' theme, I'm mailing you anthrax!

Most Surprisingly Disappointing Film seen or Thought About:
"The Village"

Greenmuse too nominated this opposite of stellar film for a new award category: "The film "The Village" for the category of sucking the most a** any film has ever sucked in recent history." 

Wow! That's a lot of a** sucking! Imagine all the competition this film outsucked!

Worst Horror Movie Seen or Thought About in 2004:
"The Grudge"

Martyr 1 offers this technical critique: "This made over the top seem suspenseful. The baddies either meowed or gurgled. I believe the whole principal of the movie was if you throw in enough sudden loud noises they will be scared"

Runner Up, Worst Horror Movie Seen or Thought About in 2004: 
"Blair Witch Project"

Dead Sun helpfully explains the shocking presence of this movie on this list: Speaking for myself--- "Blair Witch" simply wasn't what it insinuated itself to be--- namely, a horror movie.

Suspenseful, perhaps--- but certainly not deserving of half the "scary" hype surrounding it. I'll elaborate... a.) Being violated with a prickly pear, to the Titanic theme song: terrifying.  b.) The Blair Witch Project: not terrifying.

Honorable Mention, Worst Horror Movie Seen or Thought About in 2004:
"Rock and Roll Nightmare, Starring Thor"

Mean Jean digs into ancient history and dredges this guy up: "If ya can't get famous from yer metal band when all flavors of metal were the white hot trend, resulting in record execs signing anyone with a Marshall stack, lots of leather & a prickly dog collar, then don't look fer SUCKsess in movies, either, Bub. Even young, impressionable metal maidens in this halcyon climate seeking this gem out for the presence of Thor would mistakenly think this was his attempt at comedy. SOOOO funny it's almost worth tracking down & buying used. Settle for VHS, kiddies, I promise this will never be on DVD." 

Dark Horse, Stealth Award:
"The Astronaut's Wife"

Dead Sun solemnly warns: "I've got chunks in my stool that make for betting viewing.
 Here it is, folks: a living testimony as to Johnny Depp's ability to not only be in an utterly trite film--- but to give a performance that REEKS to high heaven.

... and as far the (gag) "plot": when you start copping concepts from Rosemary's Baby, you're in deep water with me.

they even gave Charlize Theron a f*cking Mia Farrow haircut.

There shall be no redemption--- the penalty will be stiff."

And now, thrown together in the mass grave of their own devising, the list of all the other movies which were so atrocious they weren't even worth comments by the droll Board dwellers: 

Worst Examples of the Truth of Andy Warhol's Grim Pronouncement Involving One Quarter of One Hour: 

"From Justin to Kelly": No longer available, we can only hope.

"Spice World": I tell ya what I want, what I really, really want is to see this flick disappear from the shelves of every vid store on the planet.

Worst Examples of Milking a Dead Horse: 
"Lethal Weapon" library: Then again, so many new actors & fading old ones got to either renew or receive their Screen Actor's Guild Card because of the staggering volume of movies in this series. 

Steven Segal catalog: The best comedies are those which are inadvertent.

"Die Hard" franchise: Too bad this movie series took in more than 100 bucks at the box office, now Hollywood thinks we the people like 2 dimensional characters, contrived plot twists, and fantastically unbelievable coincidii.

Worst Examples of Poor Script Choices:
"Tango & Cash"

"Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!"

Does an anti Sly bias exist on the message boards? Or are these movies pure garbage?

Worst Obscure Movies that Sucked:
"Dark Man"

"The Master of Disguise"

Sometimes it's safest to be firmly out of the loop.

Worst Western:
"Rhinestone Cowboy" Travolta's first & worst attempt at a movie comeback, I bet John Boy is still kissing Tarentino's feet. 

Worst Movie Depicting or Resulting in a Romance:
"Daredevil" setting off yet another media bottom feeding frenzy. What kind of coffee did Ben&Jen part 2 drink? What kind of hats did they wear to the Boston sports game? What were they doing at the doc's office together? Did they buy matching toothbrushes at the airport gift shop? Oooh, I'm just dying to know!

"Pretty Woman" Yep, marrying hookers is the safest bet, they've already sown their oats, and they're game for anything. Was AIDS invented when this movie was made?

Worst alleged Horror Movie:
"Gothika" Yup, ghosts made her do it. This is going to be my defense when I'm arrested for threatening to mail Hobo anthrax. 

Most Controversial Choice: 
"Dirty Dancing", embroiled in a message board controversy because of this wacky DeadSun claim: "I must also declare that Patrick Swayze's part in, as well as his financial contributions to--- the film Donnie Darko--- has the power to nullify both "Dirty Dancing" AND "Roadhouse".

I know it sounds incredible--- but you'll have to see Donnie Darko to believe it."

To cancel out not one but two toilet seeking movies makes "Donnie Darko" the best movie of all time, with mega force power, seek it out, AntiKids!

Thanks, to all my unsuspecting co writers, articles are much easier to write when other people write most of them. Few have ever read such brutally honest denouncements before, everyone owes you message board contributors a debt of gratitude for protecting their AntiFamily from what's horrible!

Print this list out and stash it in the glove box of your vehicle to guide you on your next trip to the video store in your quest to rent something you haven't seen before.
 
Future editions of this will have your choices for worst actor, actress, worst set design, worse plot devise, worse example of product placement, etc. so get over your mental complex & get ready to vote intelligently on the message boards!

You are all welcome!